I've been thinking about myself a lot here lately. I've been told by several friends that I'm deeply introspective and that my introspection can get away from me and lead into self-centeredness. They're right, unfortunately. I recently got called out (again) by a friend for thinking too much about things. It's very hard discerning between the good exploratory thoughts that actually let me discover things and the thoughts that lead me nowhere but the lovely little corner where I don't know what the heck to do for fear of making a wrong move.
If I were to try and surmise all I've learned lately about myself and God and relationships and spiritual life and all that, it would have to be that which I have already had the thought of, but not grasped, which is that I need to not worry. If I am to have faith, if I am to trust, then I must trust and have faith. That's it. Trusting is about acting under the assumption that another person you are depending on will actually do as they are supposed to. If God wants to make me into the person He wants me to be, I must let Him, not try to do it myself. I'll obviously suppress the urge to yell at the old lady that takes forever to dig 7 cents out of her purse, but I'll also trust that when I say something to somebody that my meaning will be understood, regardless of whether the pitch and inflection of my voice was such that it would seem the most honest. That is something that I have worried about, as silly as it sounds. What I have a hard time grasping, for whatever reason, is that my honesty will be gauged by how honest I actually am, not by the tone of voice with which I say something I want to be honest. Haha, I really, really do think far too much. Some people (those jerks) are naturally good at thinking things through, gathering the needed information from the thoughts, then leaving the topic be. While I can think of things, I both have a hard time leaving a thought be and thinking it through properly. I need to learn to be okay with not being super good at things I want to be super good at, but can't.
Aaron Weiss, singer for mewithoutYou seems to be on this strange kick right now about being unsure of the concept of "self". Rather, that the idea and concept of one's "self" is somewhat faulty and that we build these false conceptions of our own "selves" and act as if they are our true being. He goes way deeper than I understand at this moment and level of alertness, but it's an idea I've been interested in. Strangely enough, today I read a blog posted recently about one's false idea of self and our misconceptions of our own being. From what I understand our self is our heart, all our true intentions and feelings, unknowable to a degree, and our idea of self is our mind and thought processes. My mind, perhaps more often than other people, changes and shifts. If "myself" was how I felt and thought about things then I would never be the same person, but yet I am. Multi-faceted as I am, I'm somewhat consistent. Who I am, however, has changed over the years and I am vocal about this being what God has done in my life, the ways in which He's changed my heart. See the connection?
People, very, very unfortunately, get their identities wrapped up in things they like or other people. While it's great to like things and to let people influence you positively, it's unhealthy to have the whole of who you are wrapped up in something so inconsequential as your love for music or coffee or another person. The large and obvious exception to this being when we find ourselves in Jesus, our identities found in Him, in the spiritual sense, obviously not the physical sense. Not church or religion or our love for Him. But Him. The difference is razor-thin and can easily be shifted from Jesus to our love for Jesus. Let me try to explain a little further. If our identity, who we truly are, is found in Jesus, then that's solid and unshakable. If our identity is found in church or our love for Jesus, that can be shaken by crisis or criticism.
Let me paint a picture: Someone who exists in Jesus is vocal about their relationship with Him to a degree, but doesn't flaunt it or wear it as a badge of pride. Someone who has their "I'm a Christian, I prayed today, got a problem with it?" shirt lives in the idea of their relationship with Jesus. This person has frantic and frequent ups and downs and is generally less mature. The person who exists in Jesus has smoother sailing, they are proactive and do the things that encourage their relationship rather than fret over how they should read their Bible more. Let it be stated with all seriousness and soberness that I'm not there. I'm nowhere near there. I will be there someday, as much as anyone can while still being alive and having a physical body, but today is not that day.
C.S. Lewis expounded on the phrase of being "in Jesus" in The Problem of Pain. As I understand it, being in and a part of someone else manifests itself as having a deep understanding of and rest in that person. Imagine the perfect old married couple who understand each other completely and love each other deeply. They don't fret about much. They exist as one and exist in each other. Lewis worded this much better than I can, I highly suggest reading that book, it's great overall and chock full of ideas that get you thinking.
In conclusion, Jesus alone is worthy of our selves. Our true selves. God, let us live in You the way You live in us.
Love,
Colton
P.S. Read this.
