Two days from now I will be 21. This is kind of strange to me. See, I get myself built up to these things and get all excited about reaching a certain point, but many times there's not much that's special there. Being 16 was notable since I got my license and could drive places without my parents. Being 18 was kind of notable since I felt a little more grown up and could buy cigarettes and porn. Twenty was weird because I could no longer call myself a teenager. I still honestly think of myself as being anywhere from 16-18, though. Now that I'm almost 21, I'll soon be able to buy beer and can get into some concerts or restaurants I couldn't get into before. Aside from getting to do more stuff, I haven't felt terribly different when I became any notable age. Once it sunk in and I realized that I was in fact older, I did feel a little older but in retrospect things weren't terribly different. This whole paragraph has been about how I've felt different but not felt different. I've confused myself, I think. Let's try again.
Two days from now I will be 21. This is kind of strange to me. I'll be able to buy beer and get into Barley's after 10pm, but beyond that, not much will be different. With each notable age I've reached, Ive gained new things I could do, but none of them aside from being able to drive by myself are really worth much to me. I managed to get along fine before I could go to 18+ shows or buy cigarettes, I managed to survive this long without being able to drink, I could always find an adult to go with if I wanted to see an R-rated movie. Being certain ages now allows me to do important things like rent cars or open checking accounts or stuff like that, but most of what people wait for is largely unimportant. That's not to say I haven't partaken of the privileges I was granted when I hit 17 or 18 or that I won't do what I couldn't do before when I turn 21. The point, though, is that I'm okay without those things. It bugs the heck out of me when someone goes on about being deprived of their rights or privileges.
I've made mention before of my lack of sympathy for people when they talk about what they're owed. Sure, go ahead and want something, there's nothing wrong with that, but when you go on about what you're owed and what you deserve, you're treading dangerous water. James 1 talks about asking for faith, but it makes mention that we shouldn't expect anything from God. Tell me, what have you done lately that has earned you something from God? I haven't done much in that regard. Now Paul does talk about his rights in 1 Corinthians, but he talks about how he willingly gives up his rights.
My point, before I begin to sound holier-than-thou as is the prideful tendency, is that I'm not going to let any of my privileges become a thing. It'll be nice to have a beer with some friends or go to a 21+ show, but I don't want that to become an issue. I've smoked various types of tobacco on and off since I turned 18, but it's not important to me. Half the time I wonder why I even do it anyway. That said, I could easily give it up since I don't hold it dear to my heart. I don't hold it dear to my heart simply because I know it's a contentious thing with people and my relationships with people are more important than whether or not I smoke. By the same token, I will not let drinking a beer get in the way of anything that is important.
This is a long issue that has a lot of stuff to be addressed in it. I'm going to leave it at this: We aren't owed anything. The things we think we are owed aren't worth anything. Nothing beyond our relationship with God and people is really that important
"13The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. 14For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil." Ecclesiastes 12:13-14 (emphasis added)
That pretty much sums it up. Ecclesiastes is one of my favorite books in that it's right up my alley, saying that everything is meaningless and pointless. Folly, even. Whether or not we had respect, whether or not we were treated properly, whether or not we smoked cigarettes, whether or not we enjoyed alcohol, nothing at all matters. Our relationship with God is the important thing. The only important thing.
Haha, on the eve of my 21st birthday, I come to the realization of how sobering the things God has been showing me are. Oh, irony.
Love, man.
Colton
P.S. It's also very, very important to mention that just because someone reaches a certain age, that does not mean that they are all of a sudden entitled to or are free from anything. "Oh man, when I turn 18, I'm not going to have to listen to my parents anymore." "When I hit 19, I'm going to do what I want." "Once I'm 20, no one will be able to tell me what to do anymore." "My 21st will be awesome since I'm going to now be able to justify what I've been disobeying and doing all along." Age is a number. It's a reference point, but it isn't a magical apex that grants you anything. In my experience, a mother doesn't stop loving or worrying when her son turns 18. The son doesn't magically know better when he hits 18. He's still dumb and rebellious, just a year older. At least that was the case for me, I don't know about you. Retard.
♥-c
Monday, December 5, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Thoughts on Self-Destruction
I have this nasty tendency to do self-destructive things for whatever reason. Consciously self-destructive things which I then justify away. I still often wonder whether these things I do are okay or not. Obviously, it's not going to be the best choice all the time, but I feel, in the moment at least, like it's a good choice. It usually happens that I'll do something to piss somebody off and then play it off as pushing them away in order to give some sort of propriety to the relationship that was lacking before. Not that it's an improper relationship, just that I've let someone get a little closer than I'm comfortable with. I then upset them, purposefully or accidentally, then say it's okay because it's putting the relationship where I think it ought to be.
On the surface of my mind, I almost always have good intentions for this. One instance, there was a person who thought I was just awesome and could do no wrong. I purposefully said or did something to let them down so they would have a more realistic idea of me. Instances like this, I feel like it might be okay, but I've always attributed the phrase "self-destruction" to stuff like this which is a negative term. Other times I've done something unintentionally, then rid myself of the guilt by telling myself that whatever I did was okay because I was getting too close to the person and that what I did would serve to widen the gap between us. That's happened a lot more than the former. One instance recently, I slipped into my "I'm Colton and I'm wise and I know and say things that are hard, but true." I said something before I thought about it and upset the person I was talking to. Was what I said true? Maybe, I'm not so sure, but I know it upset the person when I was supposed to be lending an ear to a friend who needed one.
I am forever learning the lesson of "it's how you say it." First and foremost, I must take care to speak accurately, but right alongside it, I must also speak carefully. Truth is Truth, it is of utmost importance and it is at times inexorable. I just now looked up the definition for inexorable and it means a little more than I thought. It can mean adamant and stubborn, but also pitiless and cruel. The truth hurts many times, but we, being scared, fragile beings, have a tendency to close up when pain is involved. The real trick, the thing that involves finesse, (I definitely just added that so I could use "finesse") is saying the truth to where someone will actually listen and grow from it. But, you know, making sure what I'm saying is right is important too.
I've joked that I'm a bit of a masochist. That would explain the self-destruction thing. In a way it's good, it makes certain aspects of denying yourself easier, but that can get out of hand if your focus is taken off of Jesus. Because it really is all about Him. Read The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis, he does a good job of revealing the many, many, layered ways we focus on ourselves instead of Jesus. If you've read it, read it again. I hope to read it once a year at least.
I'm going to leave this blog with no conclusion. I don't really have one, I didn't find one in the course of it, I'm not going to conjure one up. That's all.
Love,
Colton
On the surface of my mind, I almost always have good intentions for this. One instance, there was a person who thought I was just awesome and could do no wrong. I purposefully said or did something to let them down so they would have a more realistic idea of me. Instances like this, I feel like it might be okay, but I've always attributed the phrase "self-destruction" to stuff like this which is a negative term. Other times I've done something unintentionally, then rid myself of the guilt by telling myself that whatever I did was okay because I was getting too close to the person and that what I did would serve to widen the gap between us. That's happened a lot more than the former. One instance recently, I slipped into my "I'm Colton and I'm wise and I know and say things that are hard, but true." I said something before I thought about it and upset the person I was talking to. Was what I said true? Maybe, I'm not so sure, but I know it upset the person when I was supposed to be lending an ear to a friend who needed one.
I am forever learning the lesson of "it's how you say it." First and foremost, I must take care to speak accurately, but right alongside it, I must also speak carefully. Truth is Truth, it is of utmost importance and it is at times inexorable. I just now looked up the definition for inexorable and it means a little more than I thought. It can mean adamant and stubborn, but also pitiless and cruel. The truth hurts many times, but we, being scared, fragile beings, have a tendency to close up when pain is involved. The real trick, the thing that involves finesse, (I definitely just added that so I could use "finesse") is saying the truth to where someone will actually listen and grow from it. But, you know, making sure what I'm saying is right is important too.
I've joked that I'm a bit of a masochist. That would explain the self-destruction thing. In a way it's good, it makes certain aspects of denying yourself easier, but that can get out of hand if your focus is taken off of Jesus. Because it really is all about Him. Read The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis, he does a good job of revealing the many, many, layered ways we focus on ourselves instead of Jesus. If you've read it, read it again. I hope to read it once a year at least.
I'm going to leave this blog with no conclusion. I don't really have one, I didn't find one in the course of it, I'm not going to conjure one up. That's all.
Love,
Colton
Friday, November 11, 2011
Thoughts on Meaningless Stuff
I've been realizing the need to look to Jesus. I mean really, really looking to Him. Remembering all the things I say is hard since I say a lot of stuff. When I post here, I usually plan out and think about what I say and make sure what I'm saying is accurate, or at least potentially accurate. I can pose conjecture all day long and a lot of what I say is theoretical. That's not necessarily bad, it helps to figure out stuff, so long as it's balanced with absolutes. The problem lies in finding those absolutes. It's dang hard. The other day, I was going back and forth on a situation, trying desperately to find which of the two sides was right. Jordan Evans pointed out that I should go with whatever side pointed me toward Jesus. Mark Medley solidified that by saying simply to look to Jesus.
C. S. Lewis said something in The Screwtape Letters to the effect of everything being meaningless, but that the important and meaningful part is a thing's tendency to bring you closer of further away from God. This rings pretty true with me. Having a talk with Whitteny the other day reminded me of the fact that earthly things and motives are almost never purely anything. An overall good motive may have some selfishness or bad in it whereas an overall bad thing may have had good motives. The idea of trying to weigh the good and bad of everything makes my head cloudy and my legs fidgety. I honestly believe that everything can be boiled down to how it effects our relationship with God. The degree to which things effect that relationship varies from great to tiny, but it all matters and it all adds up. Should we not fret about how our chicken we had for lunch will effect our relationship with God? Probably, but it matters in some small way. And it's most often times about the heart behind an action and not an action itself, which reinforces the first statement in this paragraph. Am I eating this chicken because I wanted chicken or am I eating it despite my doctor's pleads to eat healthier, thus essentially mistreating my body and the temple God has chosen to live in? Everything is meaningful in a way, but it's also meaningless. God really just wants us to be considerate of Him which requires us to be considerate of people and a lot of stuff we didn't consider being considerate about.
Looking to Jesus, not looking to the painting of Jesus holding a lamb, not praying about what color to paint your room, but really depending on Him and asking for help is all we can do many times. And it's all we ought to do many times. Of course there are physical, practical things we can and should do in life and in situations, but we can't forget the importance of asking Jesus, our Great Counselor, for help. I do all too often. And then I get all existential and worried and doubtful and unfaithful.
In conclusion, I don't know. All I can do is take what I know of Jesus and go from there. Thankfully I've been learning about Him a little more. Not as a historical figure, but as a person. I make bad choices a lot of times, I make choices that upset people a lot of times, and I make good choices sometimes. Thankfully, the ratio of good to bad choices is shifting a little more towards good choices. As long as the choices I make ultimately point me or others toward Jesus, I'm glad I made them. When they don't, I'm glad God has grace for that. With all the doubt and uncertainty and lack of wholeness this world offers, all anyone can do is look to God, the Truth, the A to Z, the author and perfecter of our faith.
love,
Colton
C. S. Lewis said something in The Screwtape Letters to the effect of everything being meaningless, but that the important and meaningful part is a thing's tendency to bring you closer of further away from God. This rings pretty true with me. Having a talk with Whitteny the other day reminded me of the fact that earthly things and motives are almost never purely anything. An overall good motive may have some selfishness or bad in it whereas an overall bad thing may have had good motives. The idea of trying to weigh the good and bad of everything makes my head cloudy and my legs fidgety. I honestly believe that everything can be boiled down to how it effects our relationship with God. The degree to which things effect that relationship varies from great to tiny, but it all matters and it all adds up. Should we not fret about how our chicken we had for lunch will effect our relationship with God? Probably, but it matters in some small way. And it's most often times about the heart behind an action and not an action itself, which reinforces the first statement in this paragraph. Am I eating this chicken because I wanted chicken or am I eating it despite my doctor's pleads to eat healthier, thus essentially mistreating my body and the temple God has chosen to live in? Everything is meaningful in a way, but it's also meaningless. God really just wants us to be considerate of Him which requires us to be considerate of people and a lot of stuff we didn't consider being considerate about.
Looking to Jesus, not looking to the painting of Jesus holding a lamb, not praying about what color to paint your room, but really depending on Him and asking for help is all we can do many times. And it's all we ought to do many times. Of course there are physical, practical things we can and should do in life and in situations, but we can't forget the importance of asking Jesus, our Great Counselor, for help. I do all too often. And then I get all existential and worried and doubtful and unfaithful.
In conclusion, I don't know. All I can do is take what I know of Jesus and go from there. Thankfully I've been learning about Him a little more. Not as a historical figure, but as a person. I make bad choices a lot of times, I make choices that upset people a lot of times, and I make good choices sometimes. Thankfully, the ratio of good to bad choices is shifting a little more towards good choices. As long as the choices I make ultimately point me or others toward Jesus, I'm glad I made them. When they don't, I'm glad God has grace for that. With all the doubt and uncertainty and lack of wholeness this world offers, all anyone can do is look to God, the Truth, the A to Z, the author and perfecter of our faith.
love,
Colton
Monday, October 31, 2011
Thoughts on Speaking Loudly
Something I've learned about myself is that many times when I speak loudly when it's not necessary that I speak loudly, I'm saying something out of pride. I'll have acquired some great knowledge and I've decided to share it. The problem is, many times I've spoken loudly, I've spoken incorrectly. One time in particular comes to mind where I spoke the exact opposite of the truth of the nature of God. Worse yet, I was talking to a younger believer and could very well have been held accountable to the whole millstone thing had she not already known I was full of crap. These days I try to speak softly if I speak at all. I try to take much consideration into what I say. Strange thing is that sometimes when I purposefully speak softly and kindly, I have this strange burst of love and even affection for people come out of me. It honestly doesn't make any sense to me. I tend to like it, though.
I'm about to...scratch that, just now shaved off my moustache, completing the initial step of No-Shave November. In years past, I boasted about it and drew attention to myself. I still do that with a lot of things, telling about the cool stuff I'm going to do, drawing people's attention to me. No-Shave November is a little different, it's a communal and fraternal thing that unites guys for a common purpose, even if that purpose is as small as simply growing a beard and having one. Mostly though, I just like talking about myself. I'm a little bipolar when it comes to the subject of me. Sometimes I talk about myself until I'm certain whoever is listening is quite tired of hearing it, but then sometimes, usually when put on the spot, I hate talking about myself and would much rather talk about other people and the stuff they're doing. I'm a very contrary person many times.
For one reason or another, it happens often that when I get really excited about something and I tell everybody about something I want to do, it ends up not happening. There could be any number of reasons for this or it could all be some strange coincidence. I don't believe in coincidences, though. That alone has made me want to talk about myself less. That and the Bible warns us about talking and boasting about plans we have. If I have something important to say, I'll speak louder. I'll make sure what I'm saying is right. Until then.
I'm about to...scratch that, just now shaved off my moustache, completing the initial step of No-Shave November. In years past, I boasted about it and drew attention to myself. I still do that with a lot of things, telling about the cool stuff I'm going to do, drawing people's attention to me. No-Shave November is a little different, it's a communal and fraternal thing that unites guys for a common purpose, even if that purpose is as small as simply growing a beard and having one. Mostly though, I just like talking about myself. I'm a little bipolar when it comes to the subject of me. Sometimes I talk about myself until I'm certain whoever is listening is quite tired of hearing it, but then sometimes, usually when put on the spot, I hate talking about myself and would much rather talk about other people and the stuff they're doing. I'm a very contrary person many times.
For one reason or another, it happens often that when I get really excited about something and I tell everybody about something I want to do, it ends up not happening. There could be any number of reasons for this or it could all be some strange coincidence. I don't believe in coincidences, though. That alone has made me want to talk about myself less. That and the Bible warns us about talking and boasting about plans we have. If I have something important to say, I'll speak louder. I'll make sure what I'm saying is right. Until then.
Love,
Colton
Monday, October 17, 2011
Thoughts on Servitude and, again, Truth
There's a tension in the Christian life between insisting and having your own way and humbly giving others their way. We're called to be servants of all and servants don't get their way a lot. One thing I've learned is that I am very unimportant. In the grand scheme of things, there are many people who are a heck of a lot better at the things I'm good at. Anyone who goes to Trinity knows how many dang musicians there are, for one. My voice is small and often speaks wrong and hurtful things. I have no real worth. I will die one day and turn in to dust. People will cry, then stop crying, but the world will go on. God, however, gives me worth. God leads me on the right path, gives me the right things to say and leads me to do good things that positively effect other people. I am the branch to His True Vine. The vine will continue to grow if a branch is cut off, but the branch bears fruit. This is true for all of us. We are unneeded and unimportant, but God loves us and wants to use us and give us importance.
My point? I'm trying really really hard to not be prideful or selfish. The worth that I have does not come from anything I did or earned. Any title I gain will have no bearing on God's love for me nor will it get me into Heaven. Nope, not one little bit. I fully believe this is true for every person and is something every single person needs to understand. All that to drive the point home that my plans and thoughts and opinions and words are ultimately meaningless. At best, my own words are misguided and full of folly. If that's true, then can I serve people while insisting my own way? For clarity's sake, when I say "my own way," I mean my will, opinions, plans, thoughts, words, anything like that. I'm going to say no, I shouldn't insist my own way. Now we are imperfect people but we will get it right sometimes and our words and plans don't always lead to utter destruction like it seems like I'm saying. The world won't end if we go to the restaurant I want after church instead of the restaurant my friend wants to go to. That's a smaller way we can serve our brother, putting him and his wants and needs first. Scratch that, that's a dang important thing and we all ignore it: Serving our brothers and sisters, putting them before ourselves.
"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;" Philippians 2:3 NAS
We so overlook this and I hate it. I overlook this and I hate it.
In the long run, it's so small and insignificant where we eat or what we eat. We're going to eat again in the future. And you know, if you give your friend choice of where to eat, maybe he'll give you choice next time. And maybe he won't. But serve your brother anyway, count him as more important than yourself. Do I do this? Oftentimes no. Though I did have Taco Bell twice the prior day and didn't want to eat it again. Treating others with love and caring about what they care about is servitude. They might care about silly things that don't have much real significance, but treating people with respect and at least acknowledging that what they care about is important to them is the beginning of love and servitude.
There will be times when we must insist our own way or our own will. Two people driving down a road come to a fork, one says go left the other says go right. The one saying to go left actually knows the way because he's been there, the one saying to go right just thinks he knows because Google maps told him. In this case, the one saying to go left should insist on his own way since they'll get lost if they go right. The point, though, is that the person on the left isn't saying to go left because he simply thinks going left is better or because he wants to be right, he's saying it for the benefit the people in the car. The moment we insist our own way simply because we want to be right, we start serving ourselves. It is not about us. We serve a god of Furious Love who hung Himself on a cross for us and swept through Hell on our behalf, taking the punishment due millenniums of sinners. It's not freaking about us. We must point ourselves to Jesus and we must help point everyone we can to Him. It will hurt and it will at times not be fun. We will be slapped and stepped on and put down and we will get to watch people get their way when we want our own way. But this is the greatest thing we can do because if we lay down with the intention of lifting others up, we have done our duty and been the faithful servants Jesus will greet with the "Well done."
I want to speak Truth, not because I want to speak Truth, but because I want Truth to be spoken. If it's me that speaks it or someone else, I don't care, I just want Truth to be spoken and understood. At least that's what I should want. My evil heart doesn't allow for that a lot of times. But I want to want that because I know it's right. I am a vapor and have no real substance. Jesus Christ is the eternal, transcendent, saving Truth that is the very glue for this universe. Without Him, we cannot exist. Society is quickly declining because of a rejection of ultimate Truth.
My own sinful, fleshly desires aside, I want Jesus Christ. I want everyone to worship Him and love Him. The crazy thing is that we can and should count it joy when we're stepped on and not given our way for the sake of Christ. That's what martyrdom is. The lowly servant is the happy one. Love does not insist it's own way. Love is patient and suffers for a long time. Love is the most powerful thing ever and God is love and all He wants is to love and be loved.
If I for some reason ever say something right or say something with any sort of real authority, it's because of Jesus. When I speak Truth, not for my own sake, but for the sake of others and for the sake of Truth, there's power. Not because of who is saying it, but what is being said. Truth. Jesus Christ, Savior of the world, King of Eternity.
Love, Truth,
Colton
My point? I'm trying really really hard to not be prideful or selfish. The worth that I have does not come from anything I did or earned. Any title I gain will have no bearing on God's love for me nor will it get me into Heaven. Nope, not one little bit. I fully believe this is true for every person and is something every single person needs to understand. All that to drive the point home that my plans and thoughts and opinions and words are ultimately meaningless. At best, my own words are misguided and full of folly. If that's true, then can I serve people while insisting my own way? For clarity's sake, when I say "my own way," I mean my will, opinions, plans, thoughts, words, anything like that. I'm going to say no, I shouldn't insist my own way. Now we are imperfect people but we will get it right sometimes and our words and plans don't always lead to utter destruction like it seems like I'm saying. The world won't end if we go to the restaurant I want after church instead of the restaurant my friend wants to go to. That's a smaller way we can serve our brother, putting him and his wants and needs first. Scratch that, that's a dang important thing and we all ignore it: Serving our brothers and sisters, putting them before ourselves.
"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;" Philippians 2:3 NAS
We so overlook this and I hate it. I overlook this and I hate it.
In the long run, it's so small and insignificant where we eat or what we eat. We're going to eat again in the future. And you know, if you give your friend choice of where to eat, maybe he'll give you choice next time. And maybe he won't. But serve your brother anyway, count him as more important than yourself. Do I do this? Oftentimes no. Though I did have Taco Bell twice the prior day and didn't want to eat it again. Treating others with love and caring about what they care about is servitude. They might care about silly things that don't have much real significance, but treating people with respect and at least acknowledging that what they care about is important to them is the beginning of love and servitude.
There will be times when we must insist our own way or our own will. Two people driving down a road come to a fork, one says go left the other says go right. The one saying to go left actually knows the way because he's been there, the one saying to go right just thinks he knows because Google maps told him. In this case, the one saying to go left should insist on his own way since they'll get lost if they go right. The point, though, is that the person on the left isn't saying to go left because he simply thinks going left is better or because he wants to be right, he's saying it for the benefit the people in the car. The moment we insist our own way simply because we want to be right, we start serving ourselves. It is not about us. We serve a god of Furious Love who hung Himself on a cross for us and swept through Hell on our behalf, taking the punishment due millenniums of sinners. It's not freaking about us. We must point ourselves to Jesus and we must help point everyone we can to Him. It will hurt and it will at times not be fun. We will be slapped and stepped on and put down and we will get to watch people get their way when we want our own way. But this is the greatest thing we can do because if we lay down with the intention of lifting others up, we have done our duty and been the faithful servants Jesus will greet with the "Well done."
I want to speak Truth, not because I want to speak Truth, but because I want Truth to be spoken. If it's me that speaks it or someone else, I don't care, I just want Truth to be spoken and understood. At least that's what I should want. My evil heart doesn't allow for that a lot of times. But I want to want that because I know it's right. I am a vapor and have no real substance. Jesus Christ is the eternal, transcendent, saving Truth that is the very glue for this universe. Without Him, we cannot exist. Society is quickly declining because of a rejection of ultimate Truth.
My own sinful, fleshly desires aside, I want Jesus Christ. I want everyone to worship Him and love Him. The crazy thing is that we can and should count it joy when we're stepped on and not given our way for the sake of Christ. That's what martyrdom is. The lowly servant is the happy one. Love does not insist it's own way. Love is patient and suffers for a long time. Love is the most powerful thing ever and God is love and all He wants is to love and be loved.
If I for some reason ever say something right or say something with any sort of real authority, it's because of Jesus. When I speak Truth, not for my own sake, but for the sake of others and for the sake of Truth, there's power. Not because of who is saying it, but what is being said. Truth. Jesus Christ, Savior of the world, King of Eternity.
Love, Truth,
Colton
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Thoughts on the Weak Heart
"My heart is in a weak place right now."
These words from a friend the other day stuck with me. Strange thing is that this isn't a bad thing necessarily. In fact, I think it's quite a good thing a lot of times. I've shielded myself from a lot of evil lately, just kind of ignored some of the bad stuff that goes on in the world. I've tried for a long time to understand that pain and hurt are necessary in my spiritual walk, that God wants to heal me of those things and wants to be my solace, but I'm still young and afraid of pain. I struggle with the idea of people being both good and bad at the same time.
The whole idea of black and white is, well, kind of grey. Sometimes I feel like there is only black and white and sometimes I feel like there's a lot of halfway, in the middle stuff. What I know is this: the human heart is inclined towards evil. That's pretty evident all throughout the Bible. Strange though, that there's also lots of talking about the heart being a good thing, inclined toward good stuff, righteousness and all that.
It's best summed up like this, if I can even sum up something I don't totally get: We are evil, inclined towards evil. God's grace He bestows on His people make us good and make us clean. Still being human, we still do evil sometimes, but we are covered by God's grace. It makes sense hearing it and saying it, but in practice, I still tend to believe people are either good or bad, desiring righteousness or evil, one or the other, never both. See, the odd thing is that with unsaved people, I get it. But for Christians, myself so very much included in this, I feel like we should know better and that we ought to be inclined towards good all of the time if we're saved and the Holy Spirit lives in us. But experience tells me that this is not true. Either that or no one I know is saved.
All that said, my heart is also in a weak place right now. God is wanting to teach me that we can't do anything apart from Him and His grace, but I'm resisting. I've quoted John 15 before, it talking about us being the branches and Jesus being the Vine and that's what God is trying to instill in me, I think. I understand it at times, others I don't. Adam was talking last night at the end of worship at Frontline and for some reason, something clicked with what he said. He was saying basically how we are evil and imperfect, but God is Holy, and that's what's important. God is bigger and different than anything we can imagine and He can do great and perfect things through imperfect people simply because He has the power and He is holy. My heart is in a weak place because that's where we best receive what God wants to show us.
God is holy. God is love. Those are the only important things. Those two things mean a whole heck of a lot more than we can understand.
To surmise, I'm having trouble dealing with imperfection. Black and white is easier to get, but humans aren't simple. God's trying really hard to get me to rely fully on Him and I'm trying really hard to not need Him. It's becoming clearer and clearer that I have no real choice, though. Oh God, let David's psalm be on my lips. Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.
Love,
Colton
These words from a friend the other day stuck with me. Strange thing is that this isn't a bad thing necessarily. In fact, I think it's quite a good thing a lot of times. I've shielded myself from a lot of evil lately, just kind of ignored some of the bad stuff that goes on in the world. I've tried for a long time to understand that pain and hurt are necessary in my spiritual walk, that God wants to heal me of those things and wants to be my solace, but I'm still young and afraid of pain. I struggle with the idea of people being both good and bad at the same time.
The whole idea of black and white is, well, kind of grey. Sometimes I feel like there is only black and white and sometimes I feel like there's a lot of halfway, in the middle stuff. What I know is this: the human heart is inclined towards evil. That's pretty evident all throughout the Bible. Strange though, that there's also lots of talking about the heart being a good thing, inclined toward good stuff, righteousness and all that.
It's best summed up like this, if I can even sum up something I don't totally get: We are evil, inclined towards evil. God's grace He bestows on His people make us good and make us clean. Still being human, we still do evil sometimes, but we are covered by God's grace. It makes sense hearing it and saying it, but in practice, I still tend to believe people are either good or bad, desiring righteousness or evil, one or the other, never both. See, the odd thing is that with unsaved people, I get it. But for Christians, myself so very much included in this, I feel like we should know better and that we ought to be inclined towards good all of the time if we're saved and the Holy Spirit lives in us. But experience tells me that this is not true. Either that or no one I know is saved.
All that said, my heart is also in a weak place right now. God is wanting to teach me that we can't do anything apart from Him and His grace, but I'm resisting. I've quoted John 15 before, it talking about us being the branches and Jesus being the Vine and that's what God is trying to instill in me, I think. I understand it at times, others I don't. Adam was talking last night at the end of worship at Frontline and for some reason, something clicked with what he said. He was saying basically how we are evil and imperfect, but God is Holy, and that's what's important. God is bigger and different than anything we can imagine and He can do great and perfect things through imperfect people simply because He has the power and He is holy. My heart is in a weak place because that's where we best receive what God wants to show us.
God is holy. God is love. Those are the only important things. Those two things mean a whole heck of a lot more than we can understand.
To surmise, I'm having trouble dealing with imperfection. Black and white is easier to get, but humans aren't simple. God's trying really hard to get me to rely fully on Him and I'm trying really hard to not need Him. It's becoming clearer and clearer that I have no real choice, though. Oh God, let David's psalm be on my lips. Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.
Love,
Colton
Friday, September 16, 2011
Thoughts on Fall and Sweaters and People
My close friends may read this blog and think I'm talking about them. I am. I'm also talking about myself.
I love fall! Haylee points it out well how magical fall is and the fact of getting to wear comfy jackets and sweaters and scarves isn't bad either. Fall is a wonderful season, lots of people would agree, I think. One thing that I don't really get, though, is why everyone starts longing for a significant other around this time. I mean, I'm guilty of it, too, don't get me wrong. Perhaps it's the thought of bundling up with someone, enjoying a good cup of cider or hot chocolate. Perhaps it's association with all of the holidays like Halloween, Thanksgiving, leading into Christmas where you're simply closer to people you love and care for. Whatever it is, it's an emotional time.
Now this will sound mighty Baptist of me, but emotions are not to be trusted. (To be clear, that was an in-joke with a Baptist friend of mine, lest I offend any people who are or like Baptists.) Emotions are God-given and are good because of that fact, but because we're fallen people, they lead us astray. We, being human, want things that sometimes, oftentimes, are not good for us. We think it's okay because we feel it so strongly. Now again, don't get me wrong, love is so often illogical, but it's still a good thing. We've got to look at the net gain, though. I would like a girlfriend right now, but it wouldn't benefit me. Any benefits that would be had would be overshadowed by the negative. This, unfortunately, is the case for a lot of people right now, but being young, we're all short-sighted. Thus, the desire for a significant other continues.
So what to do? Throw on a hoodie, grab some cider and hang out. We all (read as: I) need to focus on God, growing our relationship with Him, growing beneficial relationships, good things. Like I was telling a very good friend last night, if we really have the Holy Spirit in us, then we have the power to overcome anything, which includes our own misguiding emotions. A problem that occurs is that we're all very bad at knowing our own hearts. We often do things we think are okay, but we're doing those things for the wrong reason and we don't even know it.
Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." Gen 2:18. That right there says it better than I can ever say it. Having a significant other is not a bad thing, inherently. No, it's quite the opposite, but it can very much be a bad thing. The problem is that we are bad at prioritizing God in their lives and we let our girlfriend or boyfriend have a higher place in our lives than God, which is very much no bueno.
To sum it up, this: FOCUS ON GOD. Oh Lord, if I could only learn to do that. If we fix our eyes on Jesus, He will give us what we need. That includes a significant other. If we're to have one.
For the time being, I think many of us need to sit put, wrapped in our scarves, sipping hot chocolate and reading our dang Bibles. At least that's what I need. That and counting others before ourselves. Every now and then I'm good at doing that. Not often, though. Blegh.
Love,
Colton
I love fall! Haylee points it out well how magical fall is and the fact of getting to wear comfy jackets and sweaters and scarves isn't bad either. Fall is a wonderful season, lots of people would agree, I think. One thing that I don't really get, though, is why everyone starts longing for a significant other around this time. I mean, I'm guilty of it, too, don't get me wrong. Perhaps it's the thought of bundling up with someone, enjoying a good cup of cider or hot chocolate. Perhaps it's association with all of the holidays like Halloween, Thanksgiving, leading into Christmas where you're simply closer to people you love and care for. Whatever it is, it's an emotional time.
Now this will sound mighty Baptist of me, but emotions are not to be trusted. (To be clear, that was an in-joke with a Baptist friend of mine, lest I offend any people who are or like Baptists.) Emotions are God-given and are good because of that fact, but because we're fallen people, they lead us astray. We, being human, want things that sometimes, oftentimes, are not good for us. We think it's okay because we feel it so strongly. Now again, don't get me wrong, love is so often illogical, but it's still a good thing. We've got to look at the net gain, though. I would like a girlfriend right now, but it wouldn't benefit me. Any benefits that would be had would be overshadowed by the negative. This, unfortunately, is the case for a lot of people right now, but being young, we're all short-sighted. Thus, the desire for a significant other continues.
So what to do? Throw on a hoodie, grab some cider and hang out. We all (read as: I) need to focus on God, growing our relationship with Him, growing beneficial relationships, good things. Like I was telling a very good friend last night, if we really have the Holy Spirit in us, then we have the power to overcome anything, which includes our own misguiding emotions. A problem that occurs is that we're all very bad at knowing our own hearts. We often do things we think are okay, but we're doing those things for the wrong reason and we don't even know it.
Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." Gen 2:18. That right there says it better than I can ever say it. Having a significant other is not a bad thing, inherently. No, it's quite the opposite, but it can very much be a bad thing. The problem is that we are bad at prioritizing God in their lives and we let our girlfriend or boyfriend have a higher place in our lives than God, which is very much no bueno.
To sum it up, this: FOCUS ON GOD. Oh Lord, if I could only learn to do that. If we fix our eyes on Jesus, He will give us what we need. That includes a significant other. If we're to have one.
For the time being, I think many of us need to sit put, wrapped in our scarves, sipping hot chocolate and reading our dang Bibles. At least that's what I need. That and counting others before ourselves. Every now and then I'm good at doing that. Not often, though. Blegh.
Love,
Colton
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