I'm going to be waking up about five hours from now, getting ready for work. I specifically asked for nothing for Christmas and I was granted my wish, I could only imagine reluctantly. My parents love me and want me happy. This has been a major driving force in many of their decisions they've made in life. I won't say it has been the only driving force since they're human and alive and are incapable of purity of heart which can be defined as to want one thing. For that reason, I don't blame them for anything. They're human, bound to make mistakes and be selfish.
I've recently realized that I've had prayers answered lately. The prayers have been along the lines of "please show me my brokenness, make me aware of it constantly." I was granted this and now I don't know how I feel about it. Even as I asked for it, I knew that I didn't know fully what I was asking for, I knew that any romantic notions of self-awareness of dependance on God or whatever I was going on about were probably going to be dashed as the reality of pain and need set in. Ignorance is indeed bliss, I've found. Sometimes I yearn for it. It sucks, knowing you need someone else to always help you. I mean really knowing it, not some scholarly "Yea verily, it is a sad truth," type thing where you know it but are detached from it. If you don't know it, that's fine, most won't and will be content with it.
One thing which has been liberating is knowing that I'm really no different or better than anyone else. Yeah, I can do some stuff other people might not be able two, but there are people that can do that same stuff better, and the people who can't do the stuff I can, can in turn do stuff that I myself can't. No pressure. My accolades and things I can pride myself on are pretty useless and meaningless in eternity. I'm happy when I do something of eternal significance, but I'm happy with the knowledge that I was driven to do whatever it is because of the love and grace God has shown me. The Bible spares no feelings when saying that all our righteousness is a used tampon. This could be referring to the unsaved and not those who know and love God, in fact it talks about the crowns we'll receive in Heaven for our deeds. Taking those two statements at face value, okay sure, we're not totally useless. But you can't help but look at an almighty and perfect God and think of yourself and what you do as being pretty small in comparison.
Dryness or awareness or perhaps just winter, whatever this season of the soul is, I'm decidedly lonely. That is, I've chosen to be lonely. For what end, I don't know just yet, but I know that I'm dependent on God and I'm pretty certain I always will be. No romanticism, no flowery poems, no built-up emotions leading to a cry for Abba--not the band--find me here, lonely and confused about a lot of stuff.
Now I want to be clear that this isn't a cry for friendship or sympathy or anything. I actually am quite happy, but I've been taking stock of the importance of things that have made me happy in the past and I've found that the stuff that has made me happy has been mostly temporal, unimportant stuff. I've sequestered myself and deprived myself something that really truly does make me happy and that's meaningful conversation, especially about how good God is and what He's done. I've erred in that regard, potentially others.
To conclude, I've gotten what I asked for and now that I have it, I see what it is. Now, to ask for and go about getting the next set of things I need. Let's find out what it is. I suppose I'll talk to some people.
LOVE,
Colton
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Thoughts on Contentment and American Greed
There's a very fine line in between contentment and "settling," I think. I couldn't say where this line is, exactly. I guess that's the point of this post. I've heard it said that the greatest enemy of "the best" is "good." In regards to God's perfect will for us, of course I want what's best, not just what's good. Depending on how reformed you are, this may be a non-issue since His will is unalterable. You'll always get His best, His plan A. One scripture which has bugged me ever since I really thought about it is when Jesus mentioned Moses making provision for divorce because of the hardness of their hearts. Divorce was not the best choice, nor was it plan A.
Let's start with this: I think it's important to be content. In 1 Timothy 6, it talks about godliness with contentment. If I had to sum up the topic of settling vs. contentment, I'd have to say that we ought to be content with what we have like food and clothes and such since getting obsessed with stuff will drive us away from God. For pertinent stuff like who we're going to marry and getting a good job, it's a little trickier since you can get carried away in really anything. Be happy with what is good for you. Some of the most happy and content people I've met are people in third world countries who don't have anything. I won't say to settle for a spouse who isn't good for you just because you're content. I won't say not to, though.
Basically, it's this: We want more and more stuff because the world tells us to be number 1, which requires us to have the best stuff. This mindset causes us to never be content with what we have; we'll always need a cooler car, a better phone, a nicer guitar. (I've wanted all three of those within the last week, by the way.) Where discontent goes wrong is when we desire things that don't matter and when we fail to be thankful for what we do actually have. It's not a sin to want a new phone, but it becomes one when you go on and on about how you hate your phone and can't stand it and just have to have a better one. If it works half the time, you're better off than a good portion of the world who doesn't have a phone at all. Where we go really wrong is when we start the prosperity gospel bullcrap and start talking about all the stuff we deserve because of our salvation. "I'm faithful to God, therefore I should have this nice truck." If you do have a nice truck, count it as a blessing. If you have a vehicle at all, count it as a blessing. A blessing is a gift, not something we deserve. Christians have a good way of using God to justify our desires and point of view. God does not conform to us.
Now we can be content to the point of not really desiring anything much at all. This can be good, but it can be bad. I don't have a huge desire for a nice job or a college degree. When I get to Heaven, having a nice job or college degree or not won't matter. But it would still be good to have them because having those things would help me in effectively serving people. Better job means more money to donate and use for stuff other than the mortgage.
So where is the line between healthy discontent and greed? It's when you fail to be thankful and fail to desire things that will in some way help your or someone else's relationship with God, but rather trivial things. You focus on yourself. Where's the line between healthy content and laziness? It's when you fail to desire and go after things that will help your or someone else's relationship with God because you're content to be lazy.You focus on yourself
The moral of the story? Desire God. Be thankful. Desire noble things like political justice and things that will help your ministry. But first and foremost, desire God and His commands. His commands don't mold around us, God doesn't automatically want what we want.
God is enough. God is everything. Singulare Momentum.
Love,
Colton
P. S.
I didn't flesh this out like I wanted to but it's been sitting in my browser for three days and I wanted it posted. Also, Joel Osteen is going to have some explaining to do when he gets to Heaven.
♥-c
Let's start with this: I think it's important to be content. In 1 Timothy 6, it talks about godliness with contentment. If I had to sum up the topic of settling vs. contentment, I'd have to say that we ought to be content with what we have like food and clothes and such since getting obsessed with stuff will drive us away from God. For pertinent stuff like who we're going to marry and getting a good job, it's a little trickier since you can get carried away in really anything. Be happy with what is good for you. Some of the most happy and content people I've met are people in third world countries who don't have anything. I won't say to settle for a spouse who isn't good for you just because you're content. I won't say not to, though.
Basically, it's this: We want more and more stuff because the world tells us to be number 1, which requires us to have the best stuff. This mindset causes us to never be content with what we have; we'll always need a cooler car, a better phone, a nicer guitar. (I've wanted all three of those within the last week, by the way.) Where discontent goes wrong is when we desire things that don't matter and when we fail to be thankful for what we do actually have. It's not a sin to want a new phone, but it becomes one when you go on and on about how you hate your phone and can't stand it and just have to have a better one. If it works half the time, you're better off than a good portion of the world who doesn't have a phone at all. Where we go really wrong is when we start the prosperity gospel bullcrap and start talking about all the stuff we deserve because of our salvation. "I'm faithful to God, therefore I should have this nice truck." If you do have a nice truck, count it as a blessing. If you have a vehicle at all, count it as a blessing. A blessing is a gift, not something we deserve. Christians have a good way of using God to justify our desires and point of view. God does not conform to us.
Now we can be content to the point of not really desiring anything much at all. This can be good, but it can be bad. I don't have a huge desire for a nice job or a college degree. When I get to Heaven, having a nice job or college degree or not won't matter. But it would still be good to have them because having those things would help me in effectively serving people. Better job means more money to donate and use for stuff other than the mortgage.
So where is the line between healthy discontent and greed? It's when you fail to be thankful and fail to desire things that will in some way help your or someone else's relationship with God, but rather trivial things. You focus on yourself. Where's the line between healthy content and laziness? It's when you fail to desire and go after things that will help your or someone else's relationship with God because you're content to be lazy.You focus on yourself
The moral of the story? Desire God. Be thankful. Desire noble things like political justice and things that will help your ministry. But first and foremost, desire God and His commands. His commands don't mold around us, God doesn't automatically want what we want.
God is enough. God is everything. Singulare Momentum.
Love,
Colton
P. S.
I didn't flesh this out like I wanted to but it's been sitting in my browser for three days and I wanted it posted. Also, Joel Osteen is going to have some explaining to do when he gets to Heaven.
♥-c
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Thoughts on Christians (a Rant)
I'll start off with the topic I had thought about writing about the other day. Then I'll start hollerin' and cussin'.
I find it ever more strange how people can just look at other people and know if they're Christian or not. Now I've been surprised in the past by finding out someone was Christian that I didn't know was, so at least for me it's not always something I can see. Yeah, the ankle-length denim skirt is going to be a giveaway, but it's more than that. Stranger still is that non-Christians can even tell who the Christians are. When I went out for my birthday, some very drunk people decided to get on the stage at Boyd's Jig and Reel and sing really loudly, off-key, and profanely. And they kept on. And we told them to get off the stage. And they kept on. And I went up and calmly explained that I was trying to have a nice birthday dinner with my friends. And they kept on. When the Kenny Rogers look-a-like bouncer got them off the stage, the guy who was the leader for their impromptu, drunken band mumbled "fucking Christians" as he got off the stage. I'm really glad I didn't hear him for several reasons. It's just strange because we weren't wearing Christian t-shirts, we didn't have our Bibles on the table, half of the people there at my party weren't even Christian. But somehow he knew.
Maybe it was the fact of us not wanting him to yell "mammaries" while plunking away on an upright bass that gave it away, but I feel like anyone wanting a nice quiet dinner would request the same. This was an instance where we were well-behaved and we handled it calmly and properly. But there are too many instances where Christians are assholes. There is no other word for it. I called a long-time friend "fat" tonight because I thought it would be funny. That makes me a really big jerk. Be it reasons like this or more "holy" reasons, Christians get a really bad rap. This is because we freaking deserve it. We are not known for our love as Jesus commanded us to be. No, we're known for being ignorant assholes. This breaks my heart.
Jesus' name wasn't meant to be used as a PR trick. It wasn't meant to get people on your side so they'll vote for you or to use your plumbing service. No, Jesus' name was meant to inspire love and spread hope. Jesus' name was not meant to justify our own agendas and ideals. Jesus name was meant to revolutionize and utterly shift our wicked selves.
There's so much wrong with the Church. Jesus' bride, at the moment, is sullied and short-sighted. I want to be clear when I say that I don't give a shit about your healing ministry when people died because they stopped their HIV medication because you said they were healed. I don't give a shit about your prayer meetings when your marriage just ended because you couldn't pull your head out of the false glory you conjure up. And I don't give a shit about what small titles you hold in your church when you can't stop criticizing your friends on absolutely inconsequential, trivial shit.
(That last one there, that one is me.)
To be very clear, I have seen a man regain his sight in front of me. I have seen impossible things happen because of prayer. I've seen prideful, ignorant people teach me lessons that leave me feeling more prideful and ignorant than I thought they were. It's ultimately all redeemed by the sacrifice of the blood of Jesus, all our stupidities and sin, but with only some foresight we can make it better for ourselves and save ourselves some heartache. Jesus is and wants to be our Redeemer, but I really honestly think He wants us to make good decisions that glorify Him, too. We're constantly given the chance to either glorify God or make fools of ourselves and we all too often do the latter. It's because we never focus on the very basic principles.
We need to love people more. That's it. I need to love people more. When you love somebody, the focus is on them. But no, we just focus on ourselves and what we want and pleasing whatever stupid, contrived ideas we come up with. We inexplicably have the crowned King of the Universe, in His entirety, contained within us, but we still focus on ourselves! I prayed to be ever-aware of my dependence on God and this is what I'm shown!
I try to run from Christianese. I don't care about your weekly prophecy bulletin. I don't care about increasing my territory. I don't care about your trip to the Third Throneroom that's decorated in lilac and cherubim. The unimportant stuff tends to be first in our line of visions and thus what we focus on. My Coke is flat, she was mean to me, I hate my job. Because we're "saved", we think we're entitled to stuff. We complain about things that don't matter!
I could go on about this forever. I say all these things knowing I'm not excluded from them. The winter makes me cynical. I am wrong about things and a couple of years down the road I'll look back and go "oh man, what was I thinking?"
We are irrevocably dependent on the Love and Grace of Jesus Christ. "5Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men." Phil 2:5-7
We don't get it. I pray we do. I believe. Help my unbelief.
Love, the only important thing, the thing I wish I had more of,
Colton
I find it ever more strange how people can just look at other people and know if they're Christian or not. Now I've been surprised in the past by finding out someone was Christian that I didn't know was, so at least for me it's not always something I can see. Yeah, the ankle-length denim skirt is going to be a giveaway, but it's more than that. Stranger still is that non-Christians can even tell who the Christians are. When I went out for my birthday, some very drunk people decided to get on the stage at Boyd's Jig and Reel and sing really loudly, off-key, and profanely. And they kept on. And we told them to get off the stage. And they kept on. And I went up and calmly explained that I was trying to have a nice birthday dinner with my friends. And they kept on. When the Kenny Rogers look-a-like bouncer got them off the stage, the guy who was the leader for their impromptu, drunken band mumbled "fucking Christians" as he got off the stage. I'm really glad I didn't hear him for several reasons. It's just strange because we weren't wearing Christian t-shirts, we didn't have our Bibles on the table, half of the people there at my party weren't even Christian. But somehow he knew.
Maybe it was the fact of us not wanting him to yell "mammaries" while plunking away on an upright bass that gave it away, but I feel like anyone wanting a nice quiet dinner would request the same. This was an instance where we were well-behaved and we handled it calmly and properly. But there are too many instances where Christians are assholes. There is no other word for it. I called a long-time friend "fat" tonight because I thought it would be funny. That makes me a really big jerk. Be it reasons like this or more "holy" reasons, Christians get a really bad rap. This is because we freaking deserve it. We are not known for our love as Jesus commanded us to be. No, we're known for being ignorant assholes. This breaks my heart.
Jesus' name wasn't meant to be used as a PR trick. It wasn't meant to get people on your side so they'll vote for you or to use your plumbing service. No, Jesus' name was meant to inspire love and spread hope. Jesus' name was not meant to justify our own agendas and ideals. Jesus name was meant to revolutionize and utterly shift our wicked selves.
There's so much wrong with the Church. Jesus' bride, at the moment, is sullied and short-sighted. I want to be clear when I say that I don't give a shit about your healing ministry when people died because they stopped their HIV medication because you said they were healed. I don't give a shit about your prayer meetings when your marriage just ended because you couldn't pull your head out of the false glory you conjure up. And I don't give a shit about what small titles you hold in your church when you can't stop criticizing your friends on absolutely inconsequential, trivial shit.
(That last one there, that one is me.)
To be very clear, I have seen a man regain his sight in front of me. I have seen impossible things happen because of prayer. I've seen prideful, ignorant people teach me lessons that leave me feeling more prideful and ignorant than I thought they were. It's ultimately all redeemed by the sacrifice of the blood of Jesus, all our stupidities and sin, but with only some foresight we can make it better for ourselves and save ourselves some heartache. Jesus is and wants to be our Redeemer, but I really honestly think He wants us to make good decisions that glorify Him, too. We're constantly given the chance to either glorify God or make fools of ourselves and we all too often do the latter. It's because we never focus on the very basic principles.
We need to love people more. That's it. I need to love people more. When you love somebody, the focus is on them. But no, we just focus on ourselves and what we want and pleasing whatever stupid, contrived ideas we come up with. We inexplicably have the crowned King of the Universe, in His entirety, contained within us, but we still focus on ourselves! I prayed to be ever-aware of my dependence on God and this is what I'm shown!
I try to run from Christianese. I don't care about your weekly prophecy bulletin. I don't care about increasing my territory. I don't care about your trip to the Third Throneroom that's decorated in lilac and cherubim. The unimportant stuff tends to be first in our line of visions and thus what we focus on. My Coke is flat, she was mean to me, I hate my job. Because we're "saved", we think we're entitled to stuff. We complain about things that don't matter!
I could go on about this forever. I say all these things knowing I'm not excluded from them. The winter makes me cynical. I am wrong about things and a couple of years down the road I'll look back and go "oh man, what was I thinking?"
We are irrevocably dependent on the Love and Grace of Jesus Christ. "5Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men." Phil 2:5-7
We don't get it. I pray we do. I believe. Help my unbelief.
Love, the only important thing, the thing I wish I had more of,
Colton
Monday, December 5, 2011
Thoughts on Being 21
Two days from now I will be 21. This is kind of strange to me. See, I get myself built up to these things and get all excited about reaching a certain point, but many times there's not much that's special there. Being 16 was notable since I got my license and could drive places without my parents. Being 18 was kind of notable since I felt a little more grown up and could buy cigarettes and porn. Twenty was weird because I could no longer call myself a teenager. I still honestly think of myself as being anywhere from 16-18, though. Now that I'm almost 21, I'll soon be able to buy beer and can get into some concerts or restaurants I couldn't get into before. Aside from getting to do more stuff, I haven't felt terribly different when I became any notable age. Once it sunk in and I realized that I was in fact older, I did feel a little older but in retrospect things weren't terribly different. This whole paragraph has been about how I've felt different but not felt different. I've confused myself, I think. Let's try again.
Two days from now I will be 21. This is kind of strange to me. I'll be able to buy beer and get into Barley's after 10pm, but beyond that, not much will be different. With each notable age I've reached, Ive gained new things I could do, but none of them aside from being able to drive by myself are really worth much to me. I managed to get along fine before I could go to 18+ shows or buy cigarettes, I managed to survive this long without being able to drink, I could always find an adult to go with if I wanted to see an R-rated movie. Being certain ages now allows me to do important things like rent cars or open checking accounts or stuff like that, but most of what people wait for is largely unimportant. That's not to say I haven't partaken of the privileges I was granted when I hit 17 or 18 or that I won't do what I couldn't do before when I turn 21. The point, though, is that I'm okay without those things. It bugs the heck out of me when someone goes on about being deprived of their rights or privileges.
I've made mention before of my lack of sympathy for people when they talk about what they're owed. Sure, go ahead and want something, there's nothing wrong with that, but when you go on about what you're owed and what you deserve, you're treading dangerous water. James 1 talks about asking for faith, but it makes mention that we shouldn't expect anything from God. Tell me, what have you done lately that has earned you something from God? I haven't done much in that regard. Now Paul does talk about his rights in 1 Corinthians, but he talks about how he willingly gives up his rights.
My point, before I begin to sound holier-than-thou as is the prideful tendency, is that I'm not going to let any of my privileges become a thing. It'll be nice to have a beer with some friends or go to a 21+ show, but I don't want that to become an issue. I've smoked various types of tobacco on and off since I turned 18, but it's not important to me. Half the time I wonder why I even do it anyway. That said, I could easily give it up since I don't hold it dear to my heart. I don't hold it dear to my heart simply because I know it's a contentious thing with people and my relationships with people are more important than whether or not I smoke. By the same token, I will not let drinking a beer get in the way of anything that is important.
This is a long issue that has a lot of stuff to be addressed in it. I'm going to leave it at this: We aren't owed anything. The things we think we are owed aren't worth anything. Nothing beyond our relationship with God and people is really that important
"13The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. 14For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil." Ecclesiastes 12:13-14 (emphasis added)
That pretty much sums it up. Ecclesiastes is one of my favorite books in that it's right up my alley, saying that everything is meaningless and pointless. Folly, even. Whether or not we had respect, whether or not we were treated properly, whether or not we smoked cigarettes, whether or not we enjoyed alcohol, nothing at all matters. Our relationship with God is the important thing. The only important thing.
Haha, on the eve of my 21st birthday, I come to the realization of how sobering the things God has been showing me are. Oh, irony.
Love, man.
Colton
P.S. It's also very, very important to mention that just because someone reaches a certain age, that does not mean that they are all of a sudden entitled to or are free from anything. "Oh man, when I turn 18, I'm not going to have to listen to my parents anymore." "When I hit 19, I'm going to do what I want." "Once I'm 20, no one will be able to tell me what to do anymore." "My 21st will be awesome since I'm going to now be able to justify what I've been disobeying and doing all along." Age is a number. It's a reference point, but it isn't a magical apex that grants you anything. In my experience, a mother doesn't stop loving or worrying when her son turns 18. The son doesn't magically know better when he hits 18. He's still dumb and rebellious, just a year older. At least that was the case for me, I don't know about you. Retard.
♥-c
Two days from now I will be 21. This is kind of strange to me. I'll be able to buy beer and get into Barley's after 10pm, but beyond that, not much will be different. With each notable age I've reached, Ive gained new things I could do, but none of them aside from being able to drive by myself are really worth much to me. I managed to get along fine before I could go to 18+ shows or buy cigarettes, I managed to survive this long without being able to drink, I could always find an adult to go with if I wanted to see an R-rated movie. Being certain ages now allows me to do important things like rent cars or open checking accounts or stuff like that, but most of what people wait for is largely unimportant. That's not to say I haven't partaken of the privileges I was granted when I hit 17 or 18 or that I won't do what I couldn't do before when I turn 21. The point, though, is that I'm okay without those things. It bugs the heck out of me when someone goes on about being deprived of their rights or privileges.
I've made mention before of my lack of sympathy for people when they talk about what they're owed. Sure, go ahead and want something, there's nothing wrong with that, but when you go on about what you're owed and what you deserve, you're treading dangerous water. James 1 talks about asking for faith, but it makes mention that we shouldn't expect anything from God. Tell me, what have you done lately that has earned you something from God? I haven't done much in that regard. Now Paul does talk about his rights in 1 Corinthians, but he talks about how he willingly gives up his rights.
My point, before I begin to sound holier-than-thou as is the prideful tendency, is that I'm not going to let any of my privileges become a thing. It'll be nice to have a beer with some friends or go to a 21+ show, but I don't want that to become an issue. I've smoked various types of tobacco on and off since I turned 18, but it's not important to me. Half the time I wonder why I even do it anyway. That said, I could easily give it up since I don't hold it dear to my heart. I don't hold it dear to my heart simply because I know it's a contentious thing with people and my relationships with people are more important than whether or not I smoke. By the same token, I will not let drinking a beer get in the way of anything that is important.
This is a long issue that has a lot of stuff to be addressed in it. I'm going to leave it at this: We aren't owed anything. The things we think we are owed aren't worth anything. Nothing beyond our relationship with God and people is really that important
"13The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. 14For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil." Ecclesiastes 12:13-14 (emphasis added)
That pretty much sums it up. Ecclesiastes is one of my favorite books in that it's right up my alley, saying that everything is meaningless and pointless. Folly, even. Whether or not we had respect, whether or not we were treated properly, whether or not we smoked cigarettes, whether or not we enjoyed alcohol, nothing at all matters. Our relationship with God is the important thing. The only important thing.
Haha, on the eve of my 21st birthday, I come to the realization of how sobering the things God has been showing me are. Oh, irony.
Love, man.
Colton
P.S. It's also very, very important to mention that just because someone reaches a certain age, that does not mean that they are all of a sudden entitled to or are free from anything. "Oh man, when I turn 18, I'm not going to have to listen to my parents anymore." "When I hit 19, I'm going to do what I want." "Once I'm 20, no one will be able to tell me what to do anymore." "My 21st will be awesome since I'm going to now be able to justify what I've been disobeying and doing all along." Age is a number. It's a reference point, but it isn't a magical apex that grants you anything. In my experience, a mother doesn't stop loving or worrying when her son turns 18. The son doesn't magically know better when he hits 18. He's still dumb and rebellious, just a year older. At least that was the case for me, I don't know about you. Retard.
♥-c
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Thoughts on Self-Destruction
I have this nasty tendency to do self-destructive things for whatever reason. Consciously self-destructive things which I then justify away. I still often wonder whether these things I do are okay or not. Obviously, it's not going to be the best choice all the time, but I feel, in the moment at least, like it's a good choice. It usually happens that I'll do something to piss somebody off and then play it off as pushing them away in order to give some sort of propriety to the relationship that was lacking before. Not that it's an improper relationship, just that I've let someone get a little closer than I'm comfortable with. I then upset them, purposefully or accidentally, then say it's okay because it's putting the relationship where I think it ought to be.
On the surface of my mind, I almost always have good intentions for this. One instance, there was a person who thought I was just awesome and could do no wrong. I purposefully said or did something to let them down so they would have a more realistic idea of me. Instances like this, I feel like it might be okay, but I've always attributed the phrase "self-destruction" to stuff like this which is a negative term. Other times I've done something unintentionally, then rid myself of the guilt by telling myself that whatever I did was okay because I was getting too close to the person and that what I did would serve to widen the gap between us. That's happened a lot more than the former. One instance recently, I slipped into my "I'm Colton and I'm wise and I know and say things that are hard, but true." I said something before I thought about it and upset the person I was talking to. Was what I said true? Maybe, I'm not so sure, but I know it upset the person when I was supposed to be lending an ear to a friend who needed one.
I am forever learning the lesson of "it's how you say it." First and foremost, I must take care to speak accurately, but right alongside it, I must also speak carefully. Truth is Truth, it is of utmost importance and it is at times inexorable. I just now looked up the definition for inexorable and it means a little more than I thought. It can mean adamant and stubborn, but also pitiless and cruel. The truth hurts many times, but we, being scared, fragile beings, have a tendency to close up when pain is involved. The real trick, the thing that involves finesse, (I definitely just added that so I could use "finesse") is saying the truth to where someone will actually listen and grow from it. But, you know, making sure what I'm saying is right is important too.
I've joked that I'm a bit of a masochist. That would explain the self-destruction thing. In a way it's good, it makes certain aspects of denying yourself easier, but that can get out of hand if your focus is taken off of Jesus. Because it really is all about Him. Read The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis, he does a good job of revealing the many, many, layered ways we focus on ourselves instead of Jesus. If you've read it, read it again. I hope to read it once a year at least.
I'm going to leave this blog with no conclusion. I don't really have one, I didn't find one in the course of it, I'm not going to conjure one up. That's all.
Love,
Colton
On the surface of my mind, I almost always have good intentions for this. One instance, there was a person who thought I was just awesome and could do no wrong. I purposefully said or did something to let them down so they would have a more realistic idea of me. Instances like this, I feel like it might be okay, but I've always attributed the phrase "self-destruction" to stuff like this which is a negative term. Other times I've done something unintentionally, then rid myself of the guilt by telling myself that whatever I did was okay because I was getting too close to the person and that what I did would serve to widen the gap between us. That's happened a lot more than the former. One instance recently, I slipped into my "I'm Colton and I'm wise and I know and say things that are hard, but true." I said something before I thought about it and upset the person I was talking to. Was what I said true? Maybe, I'm not so sure, but I know it upset the person when I was supposed to be lending an ear to a friend who needed one.
I am forever learning the lesson of "it's how you say it." First and foremost, I must take care to speak accurately, but right alongside it, I must also speak carefully. Truth is Truth, it is of utmost importance and it is at times inexorable. I just now looked up the definition for inexorable and it means a little more than I thought. It can mean adamant and stubborn, but also pitiless and cruel. The truth hurts many times, but we, being scared, fragile beings, have a tendency to close up when pain is involved. The real trick, the thing that involves finesse, (I definitely just added that so I could use "finesse") is saying the truth to where someone will actually listen and grow from it. But, you know, making sure what I'm saying is right is important too.
I've joked that I'm a bit of a masochist. That would explain the self-destruction thing. In a way it's good, it makes certain aspects of denying yourself easier, but that can get out of hand if your focus is taken off of Jesus. Because it really is all about Him. Read The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis, he does a good job of revealing the many, many, layered ways we focus on ourselves instead of Jesus. If you've read it, read it again. I hope to read it once a year at least.
I'm going to leave this blog with no conclusion. I don't really have one, I didn't find one in the course of it, I'm not going to conjure one up. That's all.
Love,
Colton
Friday, November 11, 2011
Thoughts on Meaningless Stuff
I've been realizing the need to look to Jesus. I mean really, really looking to Him. Remembering all the things I say is hard since I say a lot of stuff. When I post here, I usually plan out and think about what I say and make sure what I'm saying is accurate, or at least potentially accurate. I can pose conjecture all day long and a lot of what I say is theoretical. That's not necessarily bad, it helps to figure out stuff, so long as it's balanced with absolutes. The problem lies in finding those absolutes. It's dang hard. The other day, I was going back and forth on a situation, trying desperately to find which of the two sides was right. Jordan Evans pointed out that I should go with whatever side pointed me toward Jesus. Mark Medley solidified that by saying simply to look to Jesus.
C. S. Lewis said something in The Screwtape Letters to the effect of everything being meaningless, but that the important and meaningful part is a thing's tendency to bring you closer of further away from God. This rings pretty true with me. Having a talk with Whitteny the other day reminded me of the fact that earthly things and motives are almost never purely anything. An overall good motive may have some selfishness or bad in it whereas an overall bad thing may have had good motives. The idea of trying to weigh the good and bad of everything makes my head cloudy and my legs fidgety. I honestly believe that everything can be boiled down to how it effects our relationship with God. The degree to which things effect that relationship varies from great to tiny, but it all matters and it all adds up. Should we not fret about how our chicken we had for lunch will effect our relationship with God? Probably, but it matters in some small way. And it's most often times about the heart behind an action and not an action itself, which reinforces the first statement in this paragraph. Am I eating this chicken because I wanted chicken or am I eating it despite my doctor's pleads to eat healthier, thus essentially mistreating my body and the temple God has chosen to live in? Everything is meaningful in a way, but it's also meaningless. God really just wants us to be considerate of Him which requires us to be considerate of people and a lot of stuff we didn't consider being considerate about.
Looking to Jesus, not looking to the painting of Jesus holding a lamb, not praying about what color to paint your room, but really depending on Him and asking for help is all we can do many times. And it's all we ought to do many times. Of course there are physical, practical things we can and should do in life and in situations, but we can't forget the importance of asking Jesus, our Great Counselor, for help. I do all too often. And then I get all existential and worried and doubtful and unfaithful.
In conclusion, I don't know. All I can do is take what I know of Jesus and go from there. Thankfully I've been learning about Him a little more. Not as a historical figure, but as a person. I make bad choices a lot of times, I make choices that upset people a lot of times, and I make good choices sometimes. Thankfully, the ratio of good to bad choices is shifting a little more towards good choices. As long as the choices I make ultimately point me or others toward Jesus, I'm glad I made them. When they don't, I'm glad God has grace for that. With all the doubt and uncertainty and lack of wholeness this world offers, all anyone can do is look to God, the Truth, the A to Z, the author and perfecter of our faith.
love,
Colton
C. S. Lewis said something in The Screwtape Letters to the effect of everything being meaningless, but that the important and meaningful part is a thing's tendency to bring you closer of further away from God. This rings pretty true with me. Having a talk with Whitteny the other day reminded me of the fact that earthly things and motives are almost never purely anything. An overall good motive may have some selfishness or bad in it whereas an overall bad thing may have had good motives. The idea of trying to weigh the good and bad of everything makes my head cloudy and my legs fidgety. I honestly believe that everything can be boiled down to how it effects our relationship with God. The degree to which things effect that relationship varies from great to tiny, but it all matters and it all adds up. Should we not fret about how our chicken we had for lunch will effect our relationship with God? Probably, but it matters in some small way. And it's most often times about the heart behind an action and not an action itself, which reinforces the first statement in this paragraph. Am I eating this chicken because I wanted chicken or am I eating it despite my doctor's pleads to eat healthier, thus essentially mistreating my body and the temple God has chosen to live in? Everything is meaningful in a way, but it's also meaningless. God really just wants us to be considerate of Him which requires us to be considerate of people and a lot of stuff we didn't consider being considerate about.
Looking to Jesus, not looking to the painting of Jesus holding a lamb, not praying about what color to paint your room, but really depending on Him and asking for help is all we can do many times. And it's all we ought to do many times. Of course there are physical, practical things we can and should do in life and in situations, but we can't forget the importance of asking Jesus, our Great Counselor, for help. I do all too often. And then I get all existential and worried and doubtful and unfaithful.
In conclusion, I don't know. All I can do is take what I know of Jesus and go from there. Thankfully I've been learning about Him a little more. Not as a historical figure, but as a person. I make bad choices a lot of times, I make choices that upset people a lot of times, and I make good choices sometimes. Thankfully, the ratio of good to bad choices is shifting a little more towards good choices. As long as the choices I make ultimately point me or others toward Jesus, I'm glad I made them. When they don't, I'm glad God has grace for that. With all the doubt and uncertainty and lack of wholeness this world offers, all anyone can do is look to God, the Truth, the A to Z, the author and perfecter of our faith.
love,
Colton
Monday, October 31, 2011
Thoughts on Speaking Loudly
Something I've learned about myself is that many times when I speak loudly when it's not necessary that I speak loudly, I'm saying something out of pride. I'll have acquired some great knowledge and I've decided to share it. The problem is, many times I've spoken loudly, I've spoken incorrectly. One time in particular comes to mind where I spoke the exact opposite of the truth of the nature of God. Worse yet, I was talking to a younger believer and could very well have been held accountable to the whole millstone thing had she not already known I was full of crap. These days I try to speak softly if I speak at all. I try to take much consideration into what I say. Strange thing is that sometimes when I purposefully speak softly and kindly, I have this strange burst of love and even affection for people come out of me. It honestly doesn't make any sense to me. I tend to like it, though.
I'm about to...scratch that, just now shaved off my moustache, completing the initial step of No-Shave November. In years past, I boasted about it and drew attention to myself. I still do that with a lot of things, telling about the cool stuff I'm going to do, drawing people's attention to me. No-Shave November is a little different, it's a communal and fraternal thing that unites guys for a common purpose, even if that purpose is as small as simply growing a beard and having one. Mostly though, I just like talking about myself. I'm a little bipolar when it comes to the subject of me. Sometimes I talk about myself until I'm certain whoever is listening is quite tired of hearing it, but then sometimes, usually when put on the spot, I hate talking about myself and would much rather talk about other people and the stuff they're doing. I'm a very contrary person many times.
For one reason or another, it happens often that when I get really excited about something and I tell everybody about something I want to do, it ends up not happening. There could be any number of reasons for this or it could all be some strange coincidence. I don't believe in coincidences, though. That alone has made me want to talk about myself less. That and the Bible warns us about talking and boasting about plans we have. If I have something important to say, I'll speak louder. I'll make sure what I'm saying is right. Until then.
I'm about to...scratch that, just now shaved off my moustache, completing the initial step of No-Shave November. In years past, I boasted about it and drew attention to myself. I still do that with a lot of things, telling about the cool stuff I'm going to do, drawing people's attention to me. No-Shave November is a little different, it's a communal and fraternal thing that unites guys for a common purpose, even if that purpose is as small as simply growing a beard and having one. Mostly though, I just like talking about myself. I'm a little bipolar when it comes to the subject of me. Sometimes I talk about myself until I'm certain whoever is listening is quite tired of hearing it, but then sometimes, usually when put on the spot, I hate talking about myself and would much rather talk about other people and the stuff they're doing. I'm a very contrary person many times.
For one reason or another, it happens often that when I get really excited about something and I tell everybody about something I want to do, it ends up not happening. There could be any number of reasons for this or it could all be some strange coincidence. I don't believe in coincidences, though. That alone has made me want to talk about myself less. That and the Bible warns us about talking and boasting about plans we have. If I have something important to say, I'll speak louder. I'll make sure what I'm saying is right. Until then.
Love,
Colton
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)