Thoughts on Speaking Loudly

Something I've learned about myself is that many times when I speak loudly when it's not necessary that I speak loudly, I'm saying something out of pride. I'll have acquired some great knowledge and I've decided to share it. The problem is, many times I've spoken loudly, I've spoken incorrectly. One time in particular comes to mind where I spoke the exact opposite of the truth of the nature of God. Worse yet, I was talking to a younger believer and could very well have been held accountable to the whole millstone thing had she not already known I was full of crap. These days I try to speak softly if I speak at all. I try to take much consideration into what I say. Strange thing is that sometimes when I purposefully speak softly and kindly, I have this strange burst of love and even affection for people come out of me. It honestly doesn't make any sense to me. I tend to like it, though.

I'm about to...scratch that, just now shaved off my moustache, completing the initial step of No-Shave November. In years past, I boasted about it and drew attention to myself. I still do that with a lot of things, telling about the cool stuff I'm going to do, drawing people's attention to me. No-Shave November is a little different, it's a communal and fraternal thing that unites guys for a common purpose, even if that purpose is as small as simply growing a beard and having one. Mostly though, I just like talking about myself. I'm a little bipolar when it comes to the subject of me. Sometimes I talk about myself until I'm certain whoever is listening is quite tired of hearing it, but then sometimes, usually when put on the spot, I hate talking about myself and would much rather talk about other people and the stuff they're doing. I'm a very contrary person many times.

For one reason or another, it happens often that when I get really excited about something and I tell everybody about something I want to do, it ends up not happening. There could be any number of reasons for this or it could all be some strange coincidence. I don't believe in coincidences, though. That alone has made me want to talk about myself less. That and the Bible warns us about talking and boasting about plans we have. If I have something important to say, I'll speak louder. I'll make sure what I'm saying is right. Until then.

 

Love,

Colton

Thoughts on Servitude and, again, Truth

There's a tension in the Christian life between insisting and having your own way and humbly giving others their way. We're called to be servants of all and servants don't get their way a lot. One thing I've learned is that I am very unimportant. In the grand scheme of things, there are many people who are a heck of a lot better at the things I'm good at. Anyone who goes to Trinity knows how many dang musicians there are, for one. My voice is small and often speaks wrong and hurtful things. I have no real worth. I will die one day and turn in to dust. People will cry, then stop crying, but the world will go on. God, however, gives me worth. God leads me on the right path, gives me the right things to say and leads me to do good things that positively effect other people. I am the branch to His True Vine. The vine will continue to grow if a branch is cut off, but the branch bears fruit. This is true for all of us. We are unneeded and unimportant, but God loves us and wants to use us and give us importance.

My point? I'm trying really really hard to not be prideful or selfish. The worth that I have does not come from anything I did or earned. Any title I gain will have no bearing on God's love for me nor will it get me into Heaven. Nope, not one little bit. I fully believe this is true for every person and is something every single person needs to understand. All that to drive the point home that my plans and thoughts and opinions and words are ultimately meaningless. At best, my own words are misguided and full of folly. If that's true, then can I serve people while insisting my own way? For clarity's sake, when I say "my own way," I mean my will, opinions, plans, thoughts, words, anything like that. I'm going to say no, I shouldn't insist my own way. Now we are imperfect people but we will get it right sometimes and our words and plans don't always lead to utter destruction like it seems like I'm saying. The world won't end if we go to the restaurant I want after church instead of the restaurant my friend wants to go to. That's a smaller way we can serve our brother, putting him and his wants and needs first. Scratch that, that's a dang important thing and we all ignore it: Serving our brothers and sisters, putting them before ourselves.

"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;" Philippians 2:3 NAS

We so overlook this and I hate it. I overlook this and I hate it.

In the long run, it's so small and insignificant where we eat or what we eat. We're going to eat again in the future. And you know, if you give your friend choice of where to eat, maybe he'll give you choice next time. And maybe he won't. But serve your brother anyway, count him as more important than yourself. Do I do this? Oftentimes no. Though I did have Taco Bell twice the prior day and didn't want to eat it again. Treating others with love and caring about what they care about is servitude. They might care about silly things that don't have much real significance, but treating people with respect and at least acknowledging that what they care about is important to them is the beginning of love and servitude.

There will be times when we must insist our own way or our own will. Two people driving down a road come to a fork, one says go left the other says go right. The one saying to go left actually knows the way because he's been there, the one saying to go right just thinks he knows because Google maps told him. In this case, the one saying to go left should insist on his own way since they'll get lost if they go right. The point, though, is that the person on the left isn't saying to go left because he simply thinks going left is better or because he wants to be right, he's saying it for the benefit the people in the car. The moment we insist our own way simply because we want to be right, we start serving ourselves. It is not about us. We serve a god of Furious Love who hung Himself on a cross for us and swept through Hell on our behalf, taking the punishment due millenniums of sinners. It's not freaking about us. We must point ourselves to Jesus and we must help point everyone we can to Him. It will hurt and it will at times not be fun. We will be slapped and stepped on and put down and we will get to watch people get their way when we want our own way. But this is the greatest thing we can do because if we lay down with the intention of lifting others up, we have done our duty and been the faithful servants Jesus will greet with the "Well done."

I want to speak Truth, not because I want to speak Truth, but because I want Truth to be spoken. If it's me that speaks it or someone else, I don't care, I just want Truth to be spoken and understood. At least that's what I should want. My evil heart doesn't allow for that a lot of times. But I want to want that because I know it's right. I am a vapor and have no real substance. Jesus Christ is the eternal, transcendent, saving Truth that is the very glue for this universe. Without Him, we cannot exist. Society is quickly declining because of a rejection of ultimate Truth.

My own sinful, fleshly desires aside, I want Jesus Christ. I want everyone to worship Him and love Him. The crazy thing is that we can and should count it joy when we're stepped on and not given our way for the sake of Christ. That's what martyrdom is. The lowly servant is the happy one. Love does not insist it's own way. Love is patient and suffers for a long time. Love is the most powerful thing ever and God is love and all He wants is to love and be loved.

If I for some reason ever say something right or say something with any sort of real authority, it's because of Jesus. When I speak Truth, not for my own sake, but for the sake of others and for the sake of Truth, there's power. Not because of who is saying it, but what is being said. Truth. Jesus Christ, Savior of the world, King of Eternity.

Love, Truth,
Colton

Thoughts on the Weak Heart

"My heart is in a weak place right now."

These words from a friend the other day stuck with me. Strange thing is that this isn't a bad thing necessarily. In fact, I think it's quite a good thing a lot of times. I've shielded myself from a lot of evil lately, just kind of ignored some of the bad stuff that goes on in the world. I've tried for a long time to understand that pain and hurt are necessary in my spiritual walk, that God wants to heal me of those things and wants to be my solace, but I'm still young and afraid of pain. I struggle with the idea of people being both good and bad at the same time.

The whole idea of black and white is, well, kind of grey. Sometimes I feel like there is only black and white and sometimes I feel like there's a lot of halfway, in the middle stuff. What I know is this: the human heart is inclined towards evil. That's pretty evident all throughout the Bible. Strange though, that there's also lots of talking about the heart being a good thing, inclined toward good stuff, righteousness and all that.

It's best summed up like this, if I can even sum up something I don't totally get: We are evil, inclined towards evil. God's grace He bestows on His people make us good and make us clean. Still being human, we still do evil sometimes, but we are covered by God's grace. It makes sense hearing it and saying it, but in practice, I still tend to believe people are either good or bad, desiring righteousness or evil, one or the other, never both. See, the odd thing is that with unsaved people, I get it. But for Christians, myself so very much included in this, I feel like we should know better and that we ought to be inclined towards good all of the time if we're saved and the Holy Spirit lives in us. But experience tells me that this is not true. Either that or no one I know is saved.

All that said, my heart is also in a weak place right now. God is wanting to teach me that we can't do anything apart from Him and His grace, but I'm resisting. I've quoted John 15 before, it talking about us being the branches and Jesus being the Vine and that's what God is trying to instill in me, I think. I understand it at times, others I don't. Adam was talking last night at the end of worship at Frontline and for some reason, something clicked with what he said. He was saying basically how we are evil and imperfect, but God is Holy, and that's what's important. God is bigger and different than anything we can imagine and He can do great and perfect things through imperfect people simply because He has the power and He is holy. My heart is in a weak place because that's where we best receive what God wants to show us.

God is holy. God is love. Those are the only important things. Those two things mean a whole heck of a lot more than we can understand.

To surmise, I'm having trouble dealing with imperfection. Black and white is easier to get, but humans aren't simple. God's trying really hard to get me to rely fully on Him and I'm trying really hard to not need Him. It's becoming clearer and clearer that I have no real choice, though. Oh God, let David's psalm be on my lips. Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.

Love,
Colton

Thoughts on Fall and Sweaters and People

My close friends may read this blog and think I'm talking about them. I am. I'm also talking about myself.

I love fall! Haylee points it out well how magical fall is and the fact of getting to wear comfy jackets and sweaters and scarves isn't bad either. Fall is a wonderful season, lots of people would agree, I think. One thing that I don't really get, though, is why everyone starts longing for a significant other around this time. I mean, I'm guilty of it, too, don't get me wrong. Perhaps it's the thought of bundling up with someone, enjoying a good cup of cider or hot chocolate. Perhaps it's association with all of the holidays like Halloween, Thanksgiving, leading into Christmas where you're simply closer to people you love and care for. Whatever it is, it's an emotional time.

Now this will sound mighty Baptist of me, but emotions are not to be trusted. (To be clear, that was an in-joke with a Baptist friend of mine, lest I offend any people who are or like Baptists.) Emotions are God-given and are good because of that fact, but because we're fallen people, they lead us astray. We, being human, want things that sometimes, oftentimes, are not good for us. We think it's okay because we feel it so strongly. Now again, don't get me wrong, love is so often illogical, but it's still a good thing. We've got to look at the net gain, though. I would like a girlfriend right now, but it wouldn't benefit me. Any benefits that would be had would  be overshadowed by the negative. This, unfortunately, is the case for a lot of people right now, but being young, we're all short-sighted. Thus, the desire for a significant other continues.

So what to do? Throw on a hoodie, grab some cider and hang out. We all (read as: I) need to focus on God, growing our relationship with Him, growing beneficial relationships, good things. Like I was telling a very good friend last night, if we really have the Holy Spirit in us, then we have the power to overcome anything, which includes our own misguiding emotions. A problem that occurs is that we're all very bad at knowing our own hearts. We often do things we think are okay, but we're doing those things for the wrong reason and we don't even know it.

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." Gen 2:18. That right there says it better than I can ever say it. Having a significant other is not a bad thing, inherently. No, it's quite the opposite, but it can very much be a bad thing. The problem is that we are bad at prioritizing God in their lives and we let our girlfriend or boyfriend have a higher place in our lives than God, which is very much no bueno.

To sum it up, this: FOCUS ON GOD. Oh Lord, if I could only learn to do that. If we fix our eyes on Jesus, He will give us what we need. That includes a significant other. If we're to have one.

For the time being, I think many of us need to sit put, wrapped in our scarves, sipping hot chocolate and reading our dang Bibles. At least that's what I need. That and counting others before ourselves. Every now and then I'm good at doing that. Not often, though. Blegh.

Love,
Colton

A Post for the Sake of Having a Post

No broad topic to discuss here, no great revelation, just me talking about how I'm doing.

I'm doing pretty dang good. I'm really the happiest I've ever been. There's that joy thing again. I think I talk a lot about God and the truths He's revealed to me because I think about it a lot. Those things seem like the only important things to talk about. Sure, important stuff happens, interesting stuff, but a lot of it is overshadowed by God, which is how it ought to be, I think. But I want you to know me in the practical stuff. Reading this blog, you know what's going through my head, but not so much what I do or what things I like. Obviously I like God well enough, but that's no the entirety of me.

So again, I'm doing good. People have asked me how I'm doing a lot recently and I've usually responded "good, but busy." I'm almost always doing something, going somewhere, hanging out, meeting for coffee, running sound, doing something. I enjoy it, but it's also made me appreciate down time. And cars with good gas mileage. I've been talking to various people lately and there's a lot of ministry stuff coming down the pike which I'm super excited about. God seems pretty faithful to provide stuff, which is really nice. People keep asking me to sing and play guitar for them, so they must enjoy my playing somewhat, which is also really nice.

I've read a lot here recently, it's kind of my new addiction. Thankfully, this one is cheaper than most of the others I've had. Books are cheap in thrift stores and people give them away all the time as well as loan them out. I must admit, a large part of what I choose to read is very shallowly based on what the book looks like and the name of it. Of course the name is going to be a big part of why most people choose the books they do, but I tend to like old books for the simple fact they're older. Now there's also a greater likelihood of the book being good since publishers will put out just about anything with little fact-checking or discretion, really. But yeah, I like old books. Thankfully, those are usually the cheaper ones in thrift stores.

I've become much more vain lately. In my dress, not so much. I still wear tight t-shirts and pants and I'm happy with my wardrobe, but my hair and face have gotten more attention. It is nice having a good haircut, though. I've finally found someone that is able to consistently give me quality haircuts that I like. God bless my mom, she always cut my hair well, but I was never a huge fan of the style. The lovely Mrs. Shauna Gephart, my stylist, has also got me hooked on proper hair products.

I could think of more stuff to talk about but I'd like a nap, which is precisely what I'll do...right after I add a post-script to my last blog, clearing up something I didn't make as clear as I wanted to.

Love,
Colton

P.S. I feel silly every time it happens, but I will be tired at work, but not want to drink coffee for fear it will make me fidgety and hyped up on caffeine, but still leave me groggy. What almost always happens is that I end up drinking some and actually feeling awake and fine.

The Burden of Truth and the Unbearable Lightness of Being

As my friend Jordan Evans heard from me last night, Truth is preeminent. Okay, now before I get into my topic, I want to point out that I don't use uncommon words for the simple fact that they're uncommon. Well, usually. I use less common or bigger words because they have a more exact definition, closer to the meaning I'm trying to convey. Now that point in itself relates to the topic of this particular post, but it's half me being clear about why I do something, half me being prideful and defending my use of pretentious words.

Preeminent: (adj.)  [pree-em-uh-nuhnt] (taken from Dictionary.com and Merriam-Webster.com)
1. above or before others, superior, surpassing

2. having paramount rank, dignity, or importance : outstanding, supreme 

If Truth is not placed at the highest position, everything goes to crap. If we begin to get into Deconstructionism and Post-Modernism and Existentialism and all those philosophies, we quickly lose sight of Truth and meaning. If Truth is treated as an undefinable, nebulous thing that means whatever we want it to, everything falls apart. Morality is gone, purpose is gone. Truth is definable, yes, but determining exactly what Truth is is impossible without Jesus.

Jesus said to him, "I am the Way, and the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6 ESV, emphasis added.

Truth is the only way people can relate to each other. People are so very different, their biases, their experiences, their prejudices, how can we ever hope to relate to other people? We share experiences, interests, we share Truth.  The same way, it is through Jesus and only through Jesus that we can relate to God. He is our sacrifice, our high priest, our mediator. 

Example time, based off an experience the other day. Here we have an apple:

The apple is green. One may call this particular shade of green Kelly green, another may call it grass green. Either have many valid reasons why they believe it is that color, let's say one is an artist, the other is a screenprinter. To them, the apple is the color they say it is, but regardless of what they say, the apple is the color that it is. They could both very well be wrong, but their wrongness or rightness does not change the color of the apple. That is Truth, and Truth is unaffected by people. Incontrovertible.

My first point is that Truth is so incredibly important. It's something I've been thinking so much about lately. People get well caught up in their ideas and presuppositions and even things they've learned and they often lose sight of the Truth. I understand the need for knowledge and its importance, but I also know that things people have believed beyond the tiniest shadow of a doubt to the point of putting people to death because they didn't believe the same have been proven wrong, one example being when people thought the earth was the center of the universe. It was heretical to believe otherwise. The Truth that the earth is not the center of the universe hasn't ever changed, though. How then do we pursue Truth rather than knowledge, which has been proven wrong many times before? It's Jesus. Oh my, is it ever Jesus.

I try really hard to attain truth. I miss it a lot since I'm human. It's frustrating most often since I'm wrong a lot and it's much easier to go about life leaning on my and others' suppositions. But that just doesn't work. That doesn't quite settle it for me. Now I'm not saying I'm always, 100% of the time truthful. Whether it be a misunderstanding or my own pride, I don't speak truth. But then I feel dumb and go about trying to have Truth around my waist, holding my pants up so I don't show my ass again. For the purpose of finding Truth, I try to be precise in my language so people get what I'm saying rather than what they think I'm saying. Again, I'm bad at this sometimes and I don't get my point across, but it's better to keep trying.

So, point one is this: Jesus is Truth. Truth is found only in Him. For this reason and the reason that Truth is the only thing that we can count on, Truth is and ought to be preeminent to all.

Now then, the unbearable lightness of being. The book where I got that phrase from focuses on the idea that since we have only one life, there's not much pressure. In a way, our one life is incredibly important and heavy because it is our one and only shot. At the same time, however, the Bible talks about how our days are like a breath, here then gone. A single breath, a patch of dust, these things aren't important and are quickly gone. Everything we do is both exalted and made humble by Jesus' sacrifice. Our works alone don't save us, Jesus does, our faith does. Our faith is dead without works, however, so they are indeed important. All this, however, is well overshadowed by Jesus dying on the cross. 

People place so much importance on this life, forgetting that it's a very, very small part of the story. This side of eternity literally can not compare to the other side. It doesn't work mathematically. The point is to do our absolute best while having in mind the fact that Jesus has saved us and we cannot compare or come close to doing anything anywhere near the worth of what Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit do every day. I don't think I need a lot more explaining than that, I'd just be rambling and repeating myself if I did. And I never do that...

Sarcasm aside, be happy. Happiness is important. It's hard to want to do anything side from acquainting yourself with a pint of Ben and Jerry's if you're unhappy. Being, existing, doing life isn't so nearly as hard as we think. Jesus has promised to take care of us. Job went through some incredibly hard times, but was doubly blessed when it was all over. Pain recedes, our old bodies are glorified, we meet Jesus face to face.

To recap: Truth is found only in Jesus. Truth is the only hope for an imperfect and unholy people.  Life is ultimately easy because we have Jesus. The reward is much greater that we can see. 

Love,

Colton

P.S. I didn't stress enough our personal burden of Truth. Truth is important, but the only way it can have the prevalence it needs is if we all constantly put aside ourselves and seek Truth. We must seek Truth. Not knowledge, not opinions, nothing but Truth. That, and I must stress this one more time, is only found in Jesus Christ. Everything else is chaff. We are commanded to bring the Gospel, the Good News, to all the world before Jesus returns, the Gospel being the Truth of Jesus. It is our duty, which is only able to be accomplished with and through God. Go speak Truth.

Thoughts on patience and giving a crap and my ambivalence towards that.

TL;DR: Live life, make decisions, don't fret. I'm Colton and I make a lot of sense sometimes, but today my thoughts aren't incredibly coherent.

I've noticed that I manage twice-monthly posts on this blog, so I figured it's about time for another. I am in a strange season right now as many friends will attest to my claiming that. As I was telling my Baptist friend Jacob today, I almost always want to skip steps. When I'm doing tedious or menial tasks, physical stuff, I like doing everything in order and doing it properly, but when it comes to people or relationships or life, I want to skip steps. Physical pain easily fades, I have just faint memories of the worst pain I've ever been in, nothing that scares me or keeps me from doing stuff now. The thought of emotional work and doing stuff that's not easy is scary, though. I know it's necessary and I always end up a better person from either the experience or the lesson learned from it, but that doesn't make it any easier in my head. A thing that goes along with that is that since I'm a pretty black and white person (much to my own chagrin), I tend to hate the transitional learning period because of the lack of wholeness in it. I want to be done with something shortly after I start it simply because I don't like not being "there". I hate mess-ups and especially steps backward. These are all necessary in the learning process, but it's a pain in the butt.

Patience. Yep, patience is what God's working with me on right now. I'm too impatient for this.

It is, however, in the steps, the mess-ups, the mistakes where we learn the lesson. That said, I'm 20 years old and often feel as dumb as I did when I was 16, making similar, if not the same mistakes. Thankfully, I make them less frequently. I talked with a friend last night who's in his mid 30's (man, I have a lot of friends who are older than me) and he was describing to me how he still feels like he's 18, it just hasn't sunk in yet. I also have friends who are younger than me that say they feel old. Life, feeling old or young, being mature, they're all fickle things. The more I grow into God, the less I care about that stuff. It all comes out in the wash, I think. I care about that stuff and about appearing a certain way because the desire to care about it is innate within me, but the more I learn of God and the closer I grow, the less important that stuff becomes. Yes, being mature is important, don't get me wrong, but becoming mature comes from growing in God and making proper decisions, not willing or wishing or thinking yourself mature. That's why I try not to fret too much about feeling young or feeling old or feeling or being mature. Those dang decisions though, that's part of the whole "steps" thing that I want to skip. It's inescapable, life is a series of decisions, or however that inspirational quote goes, and I will always have decisions to make, steps to take and all that. (The Step-by-Step theme song is playing in my head right now.)

Breather. Okay, let's boil this down to the simple points that I do for myself and for the reader that may be lost in the point I'm trying to make since I'm not that good at making a cohesive point with any tact:

• Life is difficult at times, but is usually only as difficult as we let it be. 
• Don't fret, just live and trust God. He's better at this than you. See above bullet point.
• I'm really, really ADD today. Many rabbits found in the holes I've traveled in my conversations today.
• I'm impatient, but the main way one becomes more patient is to just simply be patient when things test your impatience. Like my friend Alex Norwood says "Don't ever pray for patience." 
• The only thing I care about right now, which is a good and perhaps bad thing, is God. That entails Jesus, my relationships with people and my ability to love them and show them the love of their Savior. Good because, well, that's good, but bad because I don't care that much about anything else. Like my job or whether or not I have money in my bank account. I care some, but the only reason I care about those is because they're relevant to my loving people and God.
• Like I said, it all comes out in the wash. Get your priorities in order and it will all fall into place. Lord I hope that's true, look at the previous bullet point.
• Scripture and really the whole Trinity is kicking my butt right now. 
• I love life. Oh my gosh do I love life. It's awesome. I wish people who hated life could see what I see. As much as I complain about stuff and even life itself, I love it and could not currently think of doing anything else. 
• Random songs that have entered my head during the course of this blog: the Step-by-Step theme, Alive by P.O.D., and one more I can't remember. Wait, it was How to Save a Life by The Fray. Not sure why.
• Whoooo, I'm lacking in making sense today!

Haha, well, any semblance of coherence in thought now gone, I'll wrap up. I am a son of God. He will always be my Dad and I'll always be learning from Him. That relieves a lot of pressure. Now you, yeah you, stop fretting. 

Hahaha, oh gosh. I hope I don't weird anyone out. Like I said, I'm feeling strange today. I normally make more sense than this, I'm sorry. I'll make more sense tomorrow, hopefully. One thing I'm certain of is that I am a multifaceted individual. There is rarely a normal Colton, but the one most common aspect is that I'm smiling a lot. At least that's an aspect I like to have a lot.

Gah.

Love,
Colton