"My heart is in a weak place right now."
These words from a friend the other day stuck with me. Strange thing is that this isn't a bad thing necessarily. In fact, I think it's quite a good thing a lot of times. I've shielded myself from a lot of evil lately, just kind of ignored some of the bad stuff that goes on in the world. I've tried for a long time to understand that pain and hurt are necessary in my spiritual walk, that God wants to heal me of those things and wants to be my solace, but I'm still young and afraid of pain. I struggle with the idea of people being both good and bad at the same time.
The whole idea of black and white is, well, kind of grey. Sometimes I feel like there is only black and white and sometimes I feel like there's a lot of halfway, in the middle stuff. What I know is this: the human heart is inclined towards evil. That's pretty evident all throughout the Bible. Strange though, that there's also lots of talking about the heart being a good thing, inclined toward good stuff, righteousness and all that.
It's best summed up like this, if I can even sum up something I don't totally get: We are evil, inclined towards evil. God's grace He bestows on His people make us good and make us clean. Still being human, we still do evil sometimes, but we are covered by God's grace. It makes sense hearing it and saying it, but in practice, I still tend to believe people are either good or bad, desiring righteousness or evil, one or the other, never both. See, the odd thing is that with unsaved people, I get it. But for Christians, myself so very much included in this, I feel like we should know better and that we ought to be inclined towards good all of the time if we're saved and the Holy Spirit lives in us. But experience tells me that this is not true. Either that or no one I know is saved.
All that said, my heart is also in a weak place right now. God is wanting to teach me that we can't do anything apart from Him and His grace, but I'm resisting. I've quoted John 15 before, it talking about us being the branches and Jesus being the Vine and that's what God is trying to instill in me, I think. I understand it at times, others I don't. Adam was talking last night at the end of worship at Frontline and for some reason, something clicked with what he said. He was saying basically how we are evil and imperfect, but God is Holy, and that's what's important. God is bigger and different than anything we can imagine and He can do great and perfect things through imperfect people simply because He has the power and He is holy. My heart is in a weak place because that's where we best receive what God wants to show us.
God is holy. God is love. Those are the only important things. Those two things mean a whole heck of a lot more than we can understand.
To surmise, I'm having trouble dealing with imperfection. Black and white is easier to get, but humans aren't simple. God's trying really hard to get me to rely fully on Him and I'm trying really hard to not need Him. It's becoming clearer and clearer that I have no real choice, though. Oh God, let David's psalm be on my lips. Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.
Love,
Colton
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Thoughts on Fall and Sweaters and People
My close friends may read this blog and think I'm talking about them. I am. I'm also talking about myself.
I love fall! Haylee points it out well how magical fall is and the fact of getting to wear comfy jackets and sweaters and scarves isn't bad either. Fall is a wonderful season, lots of people would agree, I think. One thing that I don't really get, though, is why everyone starts longing for a significant other around this time. I mean, I'm guilty of it, too, don't get me wrong. Perhaps it's the thought of bundling up with someone, enjoying a good cup of cider or hot chocolate. Perhaps it's association with all of the holidays like Halloween, Thanksgiving, leading into Christmas where you're simply closer to people you love and care for. Whatever it is, it's an emotional time.
Now this will sound mighty Baptist of me, but emotions are not to be trusted. (To be clear, that was an in-joke with a Baptist friend of mine, lest I offend any people who are or like Baptists.) Emotions are God-given and are good because of that fact, but because we're fallen people, they lead us astray. We, being human, want things that sometimes, oftentimes, are not good for us. We think it's okay because we feel it so strongly. Now again, don't get me wrong, love is so often illogical, but it's still a good thing. We've got to look at the net gain, though. I would like a girlfriend right now, but it wouldn't benefit me. Any benefits that would be had would be overshadowed by the negative. This, unfortunately, is the case for a lot of people right now, but being young, we're all short-sighted. Thus, the desire for a significant other continues.
So what to do? Throw on a hoodie, grab some cider and hang out. We all (read as: I) need to focus on God, growing our relationship with Him, growing beneficial relationships, good things. Like I was telling a very good friend last night, if we really have the Holy Spirit in us, then we have the power to overcome anything, which includes our own misguiding emotions. A problem that occurs is that we're all very bad at knowing our own hearts. We often do things we think are okay, but we're doing those things for the wrong reason and we don't even know it.
Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." Gen 2:18. That right there says it better than I can ever say it. Having a significant other is not a bad thing, inherently. No, it's quite the opposite, but it can very much be a bad thing. The problem is that we are bad at prioritizing God in their lives and we let our girlfriend or boyfriend have a higher place in our lives than God, which is very much no bueno.
To sum it up, this: FOCUS ON GOD. Oh Lord, if I could only learn to do that. If we fix our eyes on Jesus, He will give us what we need. That includes a significant other. If we're to have one.
For the time being, I think many of us need to sit put, wrapped in our scarves, sipping hot chocolate and reading our dang Bibles. At least that's what I need. That and counting others before ourselves. Every now and then I'm good at doing that. Not often, though. Blegh.
Love,
Colton
I love fall! Haylee points it out well how magical fall is and the fact of getting to wear comfy jackets and sweaters and scarves isn't bad either. Fall is a wonderful season, lots of people would agree, I think. One thing that I don't really get, though, is why everyone starts longing for a significant other around this time. I mean, I'm guilty of it, too, don't get me wrong. Perhaps it's the thought of bundling up with someone, enjoying a good cup of cider or hot chocolate. Perhaps it's association with all of the holidays like Halloween, Thanksgiving, leading into Christmas where you're simply closer to people you love and care for. Whatever it is, it's an emotional time.
Now this will sound mighty Baptist of me, but emotions are not to be trusted. (To be clear, that was an in-joke with a Baptist friend of mine, lest I offend any people who are or like Baptists.) Emotions are God-given and are good because of that fact, but because we're fallen people, they lead us astray. We, being human, want things that sometimes, oftentimes, are not good for us. We think it's okay because we feel it so strongly. Now again, don't get me wrong, love is so often illogical, but it's still a good thing. We've got to look at the net gain, though. I would like a girlfriend right now, but it wouldn't benefit me. Any benefits that would be had would be overshadowed by the negative. This, unfortunately, is the case for a lot of people right now, but being young, we're all short-sighted. Thus, the desire for a significant other continues.
So what to do? Throw on a hoodie, grab some cider and hang out. We all (read as: I) need to focus on God, growing our relationship with Him, growing beneficial relationships, good things. Like I was telling a very good friend last night, if we really have the Holy Spirit in us, then we have the power to overcome anything, which includes our own misguiding emotions. A problem that occurs is that we're all very bad at knowing our own hearts. We often do things we think are okay, but we're doing those things for the wrong reason and we don't even know it.
Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." Gen 2:18. That right there says it better than I can ever say it. Having a significant other is not a bad thing, inherently. No, it's quite the opposite, but it can very much be a bad thing. The problem is that we are bad at prioritizing God in their lives and we let our girlfriend or boyfriend have a higher place in our lives than God, which is very much no bueno.
To sum it up, this: FOCUS ON GOD. Oh Lord, if I could only learn to do that. If we fix our eyes on Jesus, He will give us what we need. That includes a significant other. If we're to have one.
For the time being, I think many of us need to sit put, wrapped in our scarves, sipping hot chocolate and reading our dang Bibles. At least that's what I need. That and counting others before ourselves. Every now and then I'm good at doing that. Not often, though. Blegh.
Love,
Colton
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