I've been thinking about myself a lot here lately. I've been told by several friends that I'm deeply introspective and that my introspection can get away from me and lead into self-centeredness. They're right, unfortunately. I recently got called out (again) by a friend for thinking too much about things. It's very hard discerning between the good exploratory thoughts that actually let me discover things and the thoughts that lead me nowhere but the lovely little corner where I don't know what the heck to do for fear of making a wrong move.
If I were to try and surmise all I've learned lately about myself and God and relationships and spiritual life and all that, it would have to be that which I have already had the thought of, but not grasped, which is that I need to not worry. If I am to have faith, if I am to trust, then I must trust and have faith. That's it. Trusting is about acting under the assumption that another person you are depending on will actually do as they are supposed to. If God wants to make me into the person He wants me to be, I must let Him, not try to do it myself. I'll obviously suppress the urge to yell at the old lady that takes forever to dig 7 cents out of her purse, but I'll also trust that when I say something to somebody that my meaning will be understood, regardless of whether the pitch and inflection of my voice was such that it would seem the most honest. That is something that I have worried about, as silly as it sounds. What I have a hard time grasping, for whatever reason, is that my honesty will be gauged by how honest I actually am, not by the tone of voice with which I say something I want to be honest. Haha, I really, really do think far too much. Some people (those jerks) are naturally good at thinking things through, gathering the needed information from the thoughts, then leaving the topic be. While I can think of things, I both have a hard time leaving a thought be and thinking it through properly. I need to learn to be okay with not being super good at things I want to be super good at, but can't.
Aaron Weiss, singer for mewithoutYou seems to be on this strange kick right now about being unsure of the concept of "self". Rather, that the idea and concept of one's "self" is somewhat faulty and that we build these false conceptions of our own "selves" and act as if they are our true being. He goes way deeper than I understand at this moment and level of alertness, but it's an idea I've been interested in. Strangely enough, today I read a blog posted recently about one's false idea of self and our misconceptions of our own being. From what I understand our self is our heart, all our true intentions and feelings, unknowable to a degree, and our idea of self is our mind and thought processes. My mind, perhaps more often than other people, changes and shifts. If "myself" was how I felt and thought about things then I would never be the same person, but yet I am. Multi-faceted as I am, I'm somewhat consistent. Who I am, however, has changed over the years and I am vocal about this being what God has done in my life, the ways in which He's changed my heart. See the connection?
People, very, very unfortunately, get their identities wrapped up in things they like or other people. While it's great to like things and to let people influence you positively, it's unhealthy to have the whole of who you are wrapped up in something so inconsequential as your love for music or coffee or another person. The large and obvious exception to this being when we find ourselves in Jesus, our identities found in Him, in the spiritual sense, obviously not the physical sense. Not church or religion or our love for Him. But Him. The difference is razor-thin and can easily be shifted from Jesus to our love for Jesus. Let me try to explain a little further. If our identity, who we truly are, is found in Jesus, then that's solid and unshakable. If our identity is found in church or our love for Jesus, that can be shaken by crisis or criticism.
Let me paint a picture: Someone who exists in Jesus is vocal about their relationship with Him to a degree, but doesn't flaunt it or wear it as a badge of pride. Someone who has their "I'm a Christian, I prayed today, got a problem with it?" shirt lives in the idea of their relationship with Jesus. This person has frantic and frequent ups and downs and is generally less mature. The person who exists in Jesus has smoother sailing, they are proactive and do the things that encourage their relationship rather than fret over how they should read their Bible more. Let it be stated with all seriousness and soberness that I'm not there. I'm nowhere near there. I will be there someday, as much as anyone can while still being alive and having a physical body, but today is not that day.
C.S. Lewis expounded on the phrase of being "in Jesus" in The Problem of Pain. As I understand it, being in and a part of someone else manifests itself as having a deep understanding of and rest in that person. Imagine the perfect old married couple who understand each other completely and love each other deeply. They don't fret about much. They exist as one and exist in each other. Lewis worded this much better than I can, I highly suggest reading that book, it's great overall and chock full of ideas that get you thinking.
In conclusion, Jesus alone is worthy of our selves. Our true selves. God, let us live in You the way You live in us.
Love,
Colton
P.S. Read this.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Thoughts on Hiatuses and Growing Up
So I've not blogged since January. I apologize, I now owe whoever reads my blog about five posts. I've not sat down long enough to flesh out any ideas I've had floating around. I've attempted to write a blog a couple of times but I never got around to finishing them. Here's what I had:
---
(This would have been titled "Thoughts on the Altered Consciousness and Necessity of Human Contact".)
"Separation lets the Devil in." -Adam Lutts
As much as I say that I would like to hermit myself away in a cabin for a year, it's not something I could do forever. I like being by myself, but I need people, not only emotionally, but physically. Have you ever noticed how when you break the touch barrier with someone--the point at which you purposefully make physical contact with another person rather than accidental--you grow much closer to them? Their jokes are funnier, you're happier to be around them, you think about them more often. It's not in a romantic way, though it can be.
I love hugs. I love them.
---
("Thoughts on the Bad, the Understandable, and the Best")
God's Grace is a dang wonderful thing. The thing that is kind of frustrating is that it's oftentimes really hard to tell what is good and acceptable and what is not, simply because the intent of our hearts is the determining factor is this. I think that because of God's Grace, our actions and thoughts as Christians are loosely divided into three categories: the Bad, the Understandable, and the Best. The Bad and the Understandable are kind of grey and the lines aren't so defined. The Bad is a pretty recognizable thing, including things like lying, murdering people
---
Those are some of the thoughts I had during my radio silence these past few months. I've had a couple of friends comment on how they weren't sure I was alive. I am, mostly. I've just . . . I dunno, been quiet. The clarity I have at times is now escaping me. It'll come back. The murk I find myself in will subside, I'll be loud and at my happiest again. One thing I've had trouble remembering since I had learned it is that the peaks and valleys aren't always a bad thing. The peaks are so much fun, I'm always so happy up there and things come so naturally and easy, but I can't stay there forever. It does need to be said that in the valleys, I'm not at my best and I'm more prone to succumbing to my inherent sinful nature. That is to say, I'm a butthole.
The solution to this valley and my mild butthole nature right now? Read my Bible more and more consistently and purposefully, pray more consistently, stuff like that. It's really simple, basic stuff. The foundational stuff is foundational for a reason.
I'm trying my best to grow up. Hopefully, prayerfully, by the time I'm all grown up and stuff I'll have good habits in place. And crap, I don't want to be a Christian moralist, one who focuses completely on morals and tacks Jesus' name onto what I believe. No, I want Jesus to be the center of what I believe.
Also, but much less importantly, I hope I can successfully work out getting a new car in the next month.
Love,
Colton
---
(This would have been titled "Thoughts on the Altered Consciousness and Necessity of Human Contact".)
"Separation lets the Devil in." -Adam Lutts
As much as I say that I would like to hermit myself away in a cabin for a year, it's not something I could do forever. I like being by myself, but I need people, not only emotionally, but physically. Have you ever noticed how when you break the touch barrier with someone--the point at which you purposefully make physical contact with another person rather than accidental--you grow much closer to them? Their jokes are funnier, you're happier to be around them, you think about them more often. It's not in a romantic way, though it can be.
I love hugs. I love them.
---
("Thoughts on the Bad, the Understandable, and the Best")
God's Grace is a dang wonderful thing. The thing that is kind of frustrating is that it's oftentimes really hard to tell what is good and acceptable and what is not, simply because the intent of our hearts is the determining factor is this. I think that because of God's Grace, our actions and thoughts as Christians are loosely divided into three categories: the Bad, the Understandable, and the Best. The Bad and the Understandable are kind of grey and the lines aren't so defined. The Bad is a pretty recognizable thing, including things like lying, murdering people
---
Those are some of the thoughts I had during my radio silence these past few months. I've had a couple of friends comment on how they weren't sure I was alive. I am, mostly. I've just . . . I dunno, been quiet. The clarity I have at times is now escaping me. It'll come back. The murk I find myself in will subside, I'll be loud and at my happiest again. One thing I've had trouble remembering since I had learned it is that the peaks and valleys aren't always a bad thing. The peaks are so much fun, I'm always so happy up there and things come so naturally and easy, but I can't stay there forever. It does need to be said that in the valleys, I'm not at my best and I'm more prone to succumbing to my inherent sinful nature. That is to say, I'm a butthole.
The solution to this valley and my mild butthole nature right now? Read my Bible more and more consistently and purposefully, pray more consistently, stuff like that. It's really simple, basic stuff. The foundational stuff is foundational for a reason.
I'm trying my best to grow up. Hopefully, prayerfully, by the time I'm all grown up and stuff I'll have good habits in place. And crap, I don't want to be a Christian moralist, one who focuses completely on morals and tacks Jesus' name onto what I believe. No, I want Jesus to be the center of what I believe.
Also, but much less importantly, I hope I can successfully work out getting a new car in the next month.
Love,
Colton
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Thoughts on the Hardened Heart
Tough skin and a soft heart. That's what Aaron Jones, long time mentor and friend, told me I'd need to have to be in the kind of ministry I want to be in. Hardness of Heart, to use some Christianese, is an awful thing. To say that it's all bad would be incorrect since God chose to harden the hearts of people at times in order to accomplish His will. There is a difference, however, between that and a heart hardened by choice of the owner.
"I'm really detached," would be what I would say if I were joking with my friend Jordan, but it's the truth to a degree. I am and have been in this strange place where my mind, or essence, or spirit or whatever is being polarized and I'm getting to watch it. It sounds kind of dramatic, but rather than there being one Colton, there are two: the old Colton who was a jerk and liked that fact, and the new Colton who's more mature and sensitive. If I'm paying attention, I go back and forth between those two sporadically. The strange part is that I can immediately observe my decisions and reactions and can tell which Colton did what.
Stop.
Okay, the thing I've just realized/remembered is that I'm thinking too much about myself. That's kind of how I got to where I am. Introspection is a good thing to a degree, but easily and quickly leads to self-centeredness, which is a symptom of having a hard heart. To surmise this initial point and move on to the next and main point, God is slowly working out the bad habits I have by showing me what they look like and their effects. It's really weird. There's a lot more, but that's a different blog.
I know I've said that if I could physically see Jesus, if I could be with Him in the same room, that would be enough to keep me from ever sinning again. I know many others have said that, too. This, unfortunately, is just not true. Take for example the disciples: Twelve dudes who were with Jesus constantly, yet they betrayed him for petty things, lost focus, bickered among themselves, and just plain sinned in His presence. Jesus went so far as to call Peter Satan. That must have hurt. Now imagine you are Judas Ischariot. With Jesus always, Him doing nothing but loving you and helping your dumb self along, planning to give him up for some cash.
Hardness of Heart is a creeping thing. It sneaks in without you noticing it and it kills you. It takes so many forms that I can't hardly begin to expound upon them. If it is powerful enough to cause the Israelites to lose hope and make and worship a golden calf when they were waiting on their leader to come down with the very word of God, if it is powerful enough to convince a man who was constantly in the presence of God incarnate to sell Him out, it's certainly powerful enough to sneak in and convince you to be a jerk to your mom. I know this.
I've prayed a lot lately that my heart would not be hard, that I would be given a heart of flesh. As great and terrible a thing as a hardened heart is, it is conquered. Perhaps not in the time or fashion I would like, but knowing that God is sovereign I'm not going to fret too much about it.
One thing that has been glaringly clear as of late is that I don't have it right. There was a short time where I thought I did, but still had the knowledge that I couldn't have had it right. God grants me my honest prayers, I just have this way of praying for hard lessons. Gah. One thing I know is that it is almost never a "one and done" type deal, that the whole process of salvation is just that: a process. Philippians 2:12-13 is a strange and notable passage.
There's so much I have to say, but sorting out what is relevant to this topic and what is a different topic and what is simply something I must say to myself is a really large task that I don't care to tackle right now. That and it's lunch time.
Love,
Colton
"I'm really detached," would be what I would say if I were joking with my friend Jordan, but it's the truth to a degree. I am and have been in this strange place where my mind, or essence, or spirit or whatever is being polarized and I'm getting to watch it. It sounds kind of dramatic, but rather than there being one Colton, there are two: the old Colton who was a jerk and liked that fact, and the new Colton who's more mature and sensitive. If I'm paying attention, I go back and forth between those two sporadically. The strange part is that I can immediately observe my decisions and reactions and can tell which Colton did what.
Stop.
Okay, the thing I've just realized/remembered is that I'm thinking too much about myself. That's kind of how I got to where I am. Introspection is a good thing to a degree, but easily and quickly leads to self-centeredness, which is a symptom of having a hard heart. To surmise this initial point and move on to the next and main point, God is slowly working out the bad habits I have by showing me what they look like and their effects. It's really weird. There's a lot more, but that's a different blog.
I know I've said that if I could physically see Jesus, if I could be with Him in the same room, that would be enough to keep me from ever sinning again. I know many others have said that, too. This, unfortunately, is just not true. Take for example the disciples: Twelve dudes who were with Jesus constantly, yet they betrayed him for petty things, lost focus, bickered among themselves, and just plain sinned in His presence. Jesus went so far as to call Peter Satan. That must have hurt. Now imagine you are Judas Ischariot. With Jesus always, Him doing nothing but loving you and helping your dumb self along, planning to give him up for some cash.
Hardness of Heart is a creeping thing. It sneaks in without you noticing it and it kills you. It takes so many forms that I can't hardly begin to expound upon them. If it is powerful enough to cause the Israelites to lose hope and make and worship a golden calf when they were waiting on their leader to come down with the very word of God, if it is powerful enough to convince a man who was constantly in the presence of God incarnate to sell Him out, it's certainly powerful enough to sneak in and convince you to be a jerk to your mom. I know this.
I've prayed a lot lately that my heart would not be hard, that I would be given a heart of flesh. As great and terrible a thing as a hardened heart is, it is conquered. Perhaps not in the time or fashion I would like, but knowing that God is sovereign I'm not going to fret too much about it.
16 Therefore say, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD: Though I removed them far off among the nations, and though I scattered them among the countries, yet I have been a sanctuary to them for a while in the countries where they have gone.’ 17 Therefore say, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD: I will gather you from the peoples and assemble you out of the countries where you have been scattered, and I will give you the land of Israel.’ 18 And when they come there, they will remove from it all its detestable things and all its abominations. 19 And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh, 20 that they may walk in my statutes and keep my rules and obey them. And they shall be my people, and I will be their God. 21 But as for those whose heart goes after their detestable things and their abominations, I will bring their deeds upon their own heads, declares the Lord GOD.” Ezekiel 11:16-21 ESV
One thing that has been glaringly clear as of late is that I don't have it right. There was a short time where I thought I did, but still had the knowledge that I couldn't have had it right. God grants me my honest prayers, I just have this way of praying for hard lessons. Gah. One thing I know is that it is almost never a "one and done" type deal, that the whole process of salvation is just that: a process. Philippians 2:12-13 is a strange and notable passage.
There's so much I have to say, but sorting out what is relevant to this topic and what is a different topic and what is simply something I must say to myself is a really large task that I don't care to tackle right now. That and it's lunch time.
Love,
Colton
Friday, January 6, 2012
Thoughts on Romanticism and Winter
I have this great habit of being able to throw myself down into a funk. I haven't yet figured out how to rein in my emotions and feelings to the point of being able to function normally in arduous times. I'm not a self-pitying mess like I used to be, but I just get in these weird funks. And you know, it may just be that it's winter and that's where a lot of people are right now: in weird funks. People keep alluding to and mentioning the strange spiritual season we're all in right now, maybe that's it.
Something I noted recently that makes sense but didn't cross my mind until now is that I tend to really hate romanticism. The beautiful stories of two people getting together, the wonderful tragedy of a spurned lover, destined to marriage to the warm haze from a bottle of whiskey, the lone hero sticking to his beliefs despite the whole world being against him. Yeah, all that stuff is good and well I guess but I have an admittedly very cynical view of it all.
1 I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
3 He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord. 4 Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,
who have no confidence in the proud
or in those who worship idols.
5 O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,
I would never come to the end of them.
6 You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.
Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand—
you don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings.
Psalm 40, NLT
Part of me wants to be the handsome hobo who gave everything up for love. A really big part of me.
Love,
Colton
Something I noted recently that makes sense but didn't cross my mind until now is that I tend to really hate romanticism. The beautiful stories of two people getting together, the wonderful tragedy of a spurned lover, destined to marriage to the warm haze from a bottle of whiskey, the lone hero sticking to his beliefs despite the whole world being against him. Yeah, all that stuff is good and well I guess but I have an admittedly very cynical view of it all.
I really doubt there are hobos that handsome. (Side note: I literally just opened up my Facebook and saw this at the top of my news feed. This is not helping my cynicism.)
The cold, bitter, logical part of me would just like to throw all that out. To be truthful, I have and it's not treated me well because of it. Perhaps it's the sheer number of times I've seen people caught up in some false romance, be it a flurry of emotions worked up to take place of a real relationship with God or be it one of any number of immature, tempestuous relationships. The thing I just now got is that it's not the romance that's bad, but rather how it's handled. Romance is an emotion in a way and just like any other emotion, it needs to be properly handled. In my banishment of the romantic ideals, I've replaced the relationship with a stoic acquisition of knowledge which has only gotten me so far.
The moral? Lewis pointed it out well in The Screwtape Letters when he essentially said that any extreme, save for extreme dedication to loving God, is bad. My dedication was to approaching God through logic, not through His Son. There are certain personality traits, negative things we gravitate towards, that we will all have to overcome in our pursuit of God, but that doesn't make those things inherently bad. So I suppose the moral is look to God and don't let anything distract you, which includes looking at and analyzing things that may inhibit your relationship with God. We can get caught up in anything, especially things that aren't inherently bad.
I started writing this with the intention of disdaining romanticism, but I ended up with a strange, sappy feeling in my heart towards my Savior who chooses to love me despite my constant refusal to love Him. Of all the ways He could speak to me, He chose to have me listen to a song that I really needed to hear, despite my cynicism towards signs like that. As I drove down Clinton Highway on a cold Sunday morning with the sun hitting my face, I cried as the weight of a loving Son weighed on me with the gentlest of touches. I could and will go back and forth forever on what actions to take and what mindsets to assume but I'll never really get that far with that. Only God.
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
3 He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord. 4 Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,
who have no confidence in the proud
or in those who worship idols.
5 O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,
I would never come to the end of them.
6 You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.
Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand—
you don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings.
Psalm 40, NLT
Part of me wants to be the handsome hobo who gave everything up for love. A really big part of me.
Love,
Colton
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