Thoughts on Getting What I Asked For

I'm going to be waking up about five hours from now, getting ready for work. I specifically asked for nothing for Christmas and I was granted my wish, I could only imagine reluctantly. My parents love me and want me happy. This has been a major driving force in many of their decisions they've made in life. I won't say it has been the only driving force since they're human and alive and are incapable of purity of heart which can be defined as to want one thing. For that reason, I don't blame them for anything. They're human, bound to make mistakes and be selfish.

I've recently realized that I've had prayers answered lately. The prayers have been along the lines of "please show me my brokenness, make me aware of it constantly." I was granted this and now I don't know how I feel about it. Even as I asked for it, I knew that I didn't know fully what I was asking for, I knew that any romantic notions of self-awareness of dependance on God or whatever I was going on about were probably going to be dashed as the reality of pain and need set in. Ignorance is indeed bliss, I've found. Sometimes I yearn for it. It sucks, knowing you need someone else to always help you. I mean really knowing it, not some scholarly "Yea verily, it is a sad truth," type thing where you know it but are detached from it. If you don't know it, that's fine, most won't and will be content with it.

One thing which has been liberating is knowing that I'm really no different or better than anyone else. Yeah, I can do some stuff other people might not be able two, but there are people that can do that same stuff better, and the people who can't do the stuff I can, can in turn do stuff that I myself can't. No pressure. My accolades and things I can pride myself on are pretty useless and meaningless in eternity. I'm happy when I do something of eternal significance, but I'm happy with the knowledge that I was driven to do whatever it is because of the love and grace God has shown me. The Bible spares no feelings when saying that all our righteousness is a used tampon. This could be referring to the unsaved and not those who know and love God, in fact it talks about the crowns we'll receive in Heaven for our deeds. Taking those two statements at face value, okay sure, we're not totally useless. But you can't help but look at an almighty and perfect God and think of yourself and what you do as being pretty small in comparison.

Dryness or awareness or perhaps just winter, whatever this season of the soul is, I'm decidedly lonely. That is, I've chosen to be lonely. For what end, I don't know just yet, but I know that I'm dependent on God and I'm pretty certain I always will be. No romanticism, no flowery poems, no built-up emotions leading to a cry for Abba--not the band--find me here, lonely and confused about a lot of stuff.

Now I want to be clear that this isn't a cry for friendship or sympathy or anything. I actually am quite happy, but I've been taking stock of the importance of things that have made me happy in the past and I've found that the stuff that has made me happy has been mostly temporal, unimportant stuff. I've sequestered myself and deprived myself something that really truly does make me happy and that's meaningful conversation, especially about how good God is and what He's done. I've erred in that regard, potentially others.

To conclude, I've gotten what I asked for and now that I have it, I see what it is. Now, to ask for and go about getting the next set of things I need. Let's find out what it is. I suppose I'll talk to some people.

LOVE,
Colton

Thoughts on Contentment and American Greed

There's a very fine line in between contentment and "settling," I think. I couldn't say where this line is, exactly. I guess that's the point of this post. I've heard it said that the greatest enemy of "the best" is "good." In regards to God's perfect will for us, of course I want what's best, not just what's good. Depending on how reformed you are, this may be a non-issue since His will is unalterable. You'll always get His best, His plan A. One scripture which has bugged me ever since I really thought about it is when Jesus mentioned Moses making provision for divorce because of the hardness of their hearts. Divorce was not the best choice, nor was it plan A.

Let's start with this: I think it's important to be content. In 1 Timothy 6, it talks about godliness with contentment. If I had to sum up the topic of settling vs. contentment, I'd have to say that we ought to be content with what we have like food and clothes and such since getting obsessed with stuff will drive us away from God. For pertinent stuff like who we're going to marry and getting a good job, it's a little trickier since you can get carried away in really anything. Be happy with what is good for you. Some of the most happy and content people I've met are people in third world countries who don't have anything. I won't say to settle for a spouse who isn't good for you just because you're content. I won't say not to, though.

Basically, it's this: We want more and more stuff because the world tells us to be number 1, which requires us to have the best stuff. This mindset causes us to never be content with what we have; we'll always need a cooler car, a better phone, a nicer guitar. (I've wanted all three of those within the last week, by the way.) Where discontent goes wrong is when we desire things that don't matter and when we fail to be thankful for what we do actually have. It's not a sin to want a new phone, but it becomes one when you go on and on about how you hate your phone and can't stand it and just have to have a better one. If it works half the time, you're better off than a good portion of the world who doesn't have a phone at all. Where we go really wrong is when we start the prosperity gospel bullcrap and start talking about all the stuff we deserve because of our salvation. "I'm faithful to God, therefore I should have this nice truck." If you do have a nice truck, count it as a blessing. If you have a vehicle at all, count it as a blessing. A blessing is a gift, not something we deserve. Christians have a good way of using God to justify our desires and point of view. God does not conform to us.

Now we can be content to the point of not really desiring anything much at all. This can be good, but it can be bad. I don't have a huge desire for a nice job or a college degree. When I get to Heaven, having a nice job or college degree or not won't matter. But it would still be good to have them because having those things would help me in effectively serving people. Better job means more money to donate and use for stuff other than the mortgage.

So where is the line between healthy discontent and greed? It's when you fail to be thankful and fail to desire things that will in some way help your or someone else's relationship with God, but rather trivial things. You focus on yourself. Where's the line between healthy content and laziness? It's when you fail to desire and go after things that will help your or someone else's relationship with God because you're content to be lazy.You focus on yourself

The moral of the story? Desire God. Be thankful. Desire noble things like political justice and things that will help your ministry. But first and foremost, desire God and His commands. His commands don't mold around us, God doesn't automatically want what we want.

God is enough. God is everything. Singulare Momentum.

Love,
Colton

P. S.

I didn't flesh this out like I wanted to but it's been sitting in my browser for three days and I wanted it posted. Also, Joel Osteen is going to have some explaining to do when he gets to Heaven.

♥-c

Thoughts on Christians (a Rant)

I'll start off with the topic I had thought about writing about the other day. Then I'll start hollerin' and cussin'.

I find it ever more strange how people can just look at other people and know if they're Christian or not. Now I've been surprised in the past by finding out someone was Christian that I didn't know was, so at least for me it's not always something I can see. Yeah, the ankle-length denim skirt is going to be a giveaway, but it's more than that. Stranger still is that non-Christians can even tell who the Christians are. When I went out for my birthday, some very drunk people decided to get on the stage at Boyd's Jig and Reel and sing really loudly, off-key, and profanely. And they kept on. And we told them to get off the stage. And they kept on. And I went up and calmly explained that I was trying to have a nice birthday dinner with my friends. And they kept on. When the Kenny Rogers look-a-like bouncer got them off the stage, the guy who was the leader for their impromptu, drunken band mumbled "fucking Christians" as he got off the stage. I'm really glad I didn't hear him for several reasons. It's just strange because we weren't wearing Christian t-shirts, we didn't have our Bibles on the table, half of the people there at my party weren't even Christian. But somehow he knew.

Maybe it was the fact of us not wanting him to yell "mammaries" while plunking away on an upright bass that gave it away, but I feel like anyone wanting a nice quiet dinner would request the same. This was an instance where we were well-behaved and we handled it calmly and properly. But there are too many instances where Christians are assholes. There is no other word for it. I called a long-time friend "fat" tonight because I thought it would be funny. That makes me a really big jerk. Be it reasons like this or more "holy" reasons, Christians get a really bad rap. This is because we freaking deserve it. We are not known for our love as Jesus commanded us to be. No, we're known for being ignorant assholes. This breaks my heart.

Jesus' name wasn't meant to be used as a PR trick. It wasn't meant to get people on your side so they'll vote for you or to use your plumbing service. No, Jesus' name was meant to inspire love and spread hope. Jesus' name was not meant to justify our own agendas and ideals. Jesus name was meant to revolutionize and utterly shift our wicked selves.

There's so much wrong with the Church. Jesus' bride, at the moment, is sullied and short-sighted. I want to be clear when I say that I don't give a shit about your healing ministry when people died because they stopped their HIV medication because you said they were healed. I don't give a shit about your prayer meetings when your marriage just ended because you couldn't pull your head out of the false glory you conjure up. And I don't give a shit about what small titles you hold in your church when you can't stop criticizing your friends on absolutely inconsequential, trivial shit.

(That last one there, that one is me.)

To be very clear, I have seen a man regain his sight in front of me. I have seen impossible things happen because of prayer. I've seen prideful, ignorant people teach me lessons that leave me feeling more prideful and ignorant than I thought they were. It's ultimately all redeemed by the sacrifice of the blood of Jesus, all our stupidities and sin, but with only some foresight we can make it better for ourselves and save ourselves some heartache. Jesus is and wants to be our Redeemer, but I really honestly think He wants us to make good decisions that glorify Him, too. We're constantly given the chance to either glorify God or make fools of ourselves and we all too often do the latter. It's because we never focus on the very basic principles.

We need to love people more. That's it. I need to love people more. When you love somebody, the focus is on them. But no, we just focus on ourselves and what we want and pleasing whatever stupid, contrived ideas we come up with. We inexplicably have the crowned King of the Universe, in His entirety, contained within us, but we still focus on ourselves! I prayed to be ever-aware of my dependence on God and this is what I'm shown!

I try to run from Christianese. I don't care about your weekly prophecy bulletin. I don't care about increasing my territory. I don't care about your trip to the Third Throneroom that's decorated in lilac and cherubim. The unimportant stuff tends to be first in our line of visions and thus what we focus on. My Coke is flat, she was mean to me, I hate my job. Because we're "saved", we think we're entitled to stuff. We complain about things that don't matter!

I could go on about this forever. I say all these things knowing I'm not excluded from them. The winter makes me cynical. I am wrong about things and a couple of years down the road I'll look back and go "oh man, what was I thinking?"

We are irrevocably dependent on the Love and Grace of Jesus Christ. "⁵Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, ⁶who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, ⁷but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men." Phil 2:5-7

We don't get it. I pray we do. I believe. Help my unbelief.

Love, the only important thing, the thing I wish I had more of,
Colton

Thoughts on Being 21

Two days from now I will be 21. This is kind of strange to me. See, I get myself built up to these things and get all excited about reaching a certain point, but many times there's not much that's special there. Being 16 was notable since I got my license and could drive places without my parents. Being 18 was kind of notable since I felt a little more grown up and could buy cigarettes and porn. Twenty was weird because I could no longer call myself a teenager. I still honestly think of myself as being anywhere from 16-18, though. Now that I'm almost 21, I'll soon be able to buy beer and can get into some concerts or restaurants I couldn't get into before. Aside from getting to do more stuff, I haven't felt terribly different when I became any notable age. Once it sunk in and I realized that I was in fact older, I did feel a little older but in retrospect things weren't terribly different. This whole paragraph has been about how I've felt different but not felt different. I've confused myself, I think. Let's try again.

Two days from now I will be 21. This is kind of strange to me. I'll be able to buy beer and get into Barley's after 10pm, but beyond that, not much will be different. With each notable age I've reached, Ive gained new things I could do, but none of them aside from being able to drive by myself are really worth much to me. I managed to get along fine before I could go to 18+ shows or buy cigarettes, I managed to survive this long without being able to drink, I could always find an adult to go with if I wanted to see an R-rated movie. Being certain ages now allows me to do important things like rent cars or open checking accounts or stuff like that, but most of what people wait for is largely unimportant. That's not to say I haven't partaken of the privileges I was granted when I hit 17 or 18 or that I won't do what I couldn't do before when I turn 21. The point, though, is that I'm okay without those things. It bugs the heck out of me when someone goes on about being deprived of their rights or privileges.

I've made mention before of my lack of sympathy for people when they talk about what they're owed. Sure, go ahead and want something, there's nothing wrong with that, but when you go on about what you're owed and what you deserve, you're treading dangerous water. James 1 talks about asking for faith, but it makes mention that we shouldn't expect anything from God. Tell me, what have you done lately that has earned you something from God? I haven't done much in that regard. Now Paul does talk about his rights in 1 Corinthians, but he talks about how he willingly gives up his rights.

My point, before I begin to sound holier-than-thou as is the prideful tendency, is that I'm not going to let any of my privileges become a thing. It'll be nice to have a beer with some friends or go to a 21+ show, but I don't want that to become an issue. I've smoked various types of tobacco on and off since I turned 18, but it's not important to me. Half the time I wonder why I even do it anyway. That said, I could easily give it up since I don't hold it dear to my heart. I don't hold it dear to my heart simply because I know it's a contentious thing with people and my relationships with people are more important than whether or not I smoke. By the same token, I will not let drinking a beer get in the way of anything that is important.

This is a long issue that has a lot of stuff to be addressed in it. I'm going to leave it at this: We aren't owed anything. The things we think we are owed aren't worth anything. Nothing beyond our relationship with God and people is really that important

^"13The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. ¹⁴For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil." Ecclesiastes 12:13-14 (emphasis added)

That pretty much sums it up.  Ecclesiastes is one of my favorite books in that it's right up my alley, saying that everything is meaningless and pointless. Folly, even. Whether or not we had respect, whether or not we were treated properly, whether or not we smoked cigarettes, whether or not we enjoyed alcohol, nothing at all matters. Our relationship with God is the important thing. The only important thing.

Haha, on the eve of my 21st birthday, I come to the realization of how sobering the things God has been showing me are. Oh, irony.

Love, man.
Colton

P.S. It's also very, very important to mention that just because someone reaches a certain age, that does not mean that they are all of a sudden entitled to or are free from anything. "Oh man, when I turn 18, I'm not going to have to listen to my parents anymore." "When I hit 19, I'm going to do what I want." "Once I'm 20, no one will be able to tell me what to do anymore." "My 21st will be awesome since I'm going to now be able to justify what I've been disobeying and doing all along." Age is a number. It's a reference point, but it isn't a magical apex that grants you anything. In my experience, a mother doesn't stop loving or worrying when her son turns 18. The son doesn't magically know better when he hits 18. He's still dumb and rebellious, just a year older. At least that was the case for me, I don't know about you. Retard.

♥-c

Thoughts on Self-Destruction

I have this nasty tendency to do self-destructive things for whatever reason. Consciously self-destructive things which I then justify away. I still often wonder whether these things I do are okay or not. Obviously, it's not going to be the best choice all the time, but I feel, in the moment at least, like it's a good choice. It usually happens that I'll do something to piss somebody off and then play it off as pushing them away in order to give some sort of propriety to the relationship that was lacking before. Not that it's an improper relationship, just that I've let someone get a little closer than I'm comfortable with. I then upset them, purposefully or accidentally, then say it's okay because it's putting the relationship where I think it ought to be.

On the surface of my mind, I almost always have good intentions for this. One instance, there was a person who thought I was just awesome and could do no wrong. I purposefully said or did something to let them down so they would have a more realistic idea of me. Instances like this, I feel like it might be okay, but I've always attributed the phrase "self-destruction" to stuff like this which is a negative term. Other times I've done something unintentionally, then rid myself of the guilt by telling myself that whatever I did was okay because I was getting too close to the person and that what I did would serve to widen the gap between us. That's happened a lot more than the former. One instance recently, I slipped into my "I'm Colton and I'm wise and I know and say things that are hard, but true." I said something before I thought about it and upset the person I was talking to. Was what I said true? Maybe, I'm not so sure, but I know it upset the person when I was supposed to be lending an ear to a friend who needed one.

I am forever learning the lesson of "it's how you say it." First and foremost, I must take care to speak accurately, but right alongside it, I must also speak carefully. Truth is Truth, it is of utmost importance and it is at times inexorable. I just now looked up the definition for inexorable and it means a little more than I thought. It can mean adamant and stubborn, but also pitiless and cruel. The truth hurts many times, but we, being scared, fragile beings, have a tendency to close up when pain is involved. The real trick, the thing that involves finesse, (I definitely just added that so I could use "finesse") is saying the truth to where someone will actually listen and grow from it. But, you know, making sure what I'm saying is right is important too.

I've joked that I'm a bit of a masochist. That would explain the self-destruction thing. In a way it's good, it makes certain aspects of denying yourself easier, but that can get out of hand if your focus is taken off of Jesus. Because it really is all about Him. Read The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis, he does a good job of revealing the many, many, layered ways we focus on ourselves instead of Jesus. If you've read it, read it again. I hope to read it once a year at least.

I'm going to leave this blog with no conclusion. I don't really have one, I didn't find one in the course of it, I'm not going to conjure one up. That's all.

Love,
Colton

Thoughts on Meaningless Stuff

I've been realizing the need to look to Jesus. I mean really, really looking to Him. Remembering all the things I say is hard since I say a lot of stuff. When I post here, I usually plan out and think about what I say and make sure what I'm saying is accurate, or at least potentially accurate. I can pose conjecture all day long and a lot of what I say is theoretical. That's not necessarily bad, it helps to figure out stuff, so long as it's balanced with absolutes. The problem lies in finding those absolutes. It's dang hard. The other day, I was going back and forth on a situation, trying desperately to find which of the two sides was right. Jordan Evans pointed out that I should go with whatever side pointed me toward Jesus. Mark Medley solidified that by saying simply to look to Jesus.

C. S. Lewis said something in The Screwtape Letters to the effect of everything being meaningless, but that the important and meaningful part is a thing's tendency to bring you closer of further away from God. This rings pretty true with me. Having a talk with Whitteny the other day reminded me of the fact that earthly things and motives are almost never purely anything. An overall good motive may have some selfishness or bad in it whereas an overall bad thing may have had good motives. The idea of trying to weigh the good and bad of everything makes my head cloudy and my legs fidgety. I honestly believe that everything can be boiled down to how it effects our relationship with God. The degree to which things effect that relationship varies from great to tiny, but it all matters and it all adds up. Should we not fret about how our chicken we had for lunch will effect our relationship with God? Probably, but it matters in some small way. And it's most often times about the heart behind an action and not an action itself, which reinforces the first statement in this paragraph. Am I eating this chicken because I wanted chicken or am I eating it despite my doctor's pleads to eat healthier, thus essentially mistreating my body and the temple God has chosen to live in? Everything is meaningful in a way, but it's also meaningless. God really just wants us to be considerate of Him which requires us to be considerate of people and a lot of stuff we didn't consider being considerate about.

Looking to Jesus, not looking to the painting of Jesus holding a lamb, not praying about what color to paint your room, but really depending on Him and asking for help is all we can do many times. And it's all we ought to do many times. Of course there are physical, practical things we can and should do in life and in situations, but we can't forget the importance of asking Jesus, our Great Counselor, for help. I do all too often. And then I get all existential and worried and doubtful and unfaithful.

In conclusion, I don't know. All I can do is take what I know of Jesus and go from there. Thankfully I've been learning about Him a little more. Not as a historical figure, but as a person. I make bad choices a lot of times, I make choices that upset people a lot of times, and I make good choices sometimes. Thankfully, the ratio of good to bad choices is shifting a little more towards good choices. As long as the choices I make ultimately point me or others toward Jesus, I'm glad I made them. When they don't, I'm glad God has grace for that. With all the doubt and uncertainty and lack of wholeness this world offers, all anyone can do is look to God, the Truth, the A to Z, the author and perfecter of our faith.

love,
Colton

Thoughts on Speaking Loudly

Something I've learned about myself is that many times when I speak loudly when it's not necessary that I speak loudly, I'm saying something out of pride. I'll have acquired some great knowledge and I've decided to share it. The problem is, many times I've spoken loudly, I've spoken incorrectly. One time in particular comes to mind where I spoke the exact opposite of the truth of the nature of God. Worse yet, I was talking to a younger believer and could very well have been held accountable to the whole millstone thing had she not already known I was full of crap. These days I try to speak softly if I speak at all. I try to take much consideration into what I say. Strange thing is that sometimes when I purposefully speak softly and kindly, I have this strange burst of love and even affection for people come out of me. It honestly doesn't make any sense to me. I tend to like it, though.

I'm about to...scratch that, just now shaved off my moustache, completing the initial step of No-Shave November. In years past, I boasted about it and drew attention to myself. I still do that with a lot of things, telling about the cool stuff I'm going to do, drawing people's attention to me. No-Shave November is a little different, it's a communal and fraternal thing that unites guys for a common purpose, even if that purpose is as small as simply growing a beard and having one. Mostly though, I just like talking about myself. I'm a little bipolar when it comes to the subject of me. Sometimes I talk about myself until I'm certain whoever is listening is quite tired of hearing it, but then sometimes, usually when put on the spot, I hate talking about myself and would much rather talk about other people and the stuff they're doing. I'm a very contrary person many times.

For one reason or another, it happens often that when I get really excited about something and I tell everybody about something I want to do, it ends up not happening. There could be any number of reasons for this or it could all be some strange coincidence. I don't believe in coincidences, though. That alone has made me want to talk about myself less. That and the Bible warns us about talking and boasting about plans we have. If I have something important to say, I'll speak louder. I'll make sure what I'm saying is right. Until then.

 

Love,

Colton

Thoughts on Servitude and, again, Truth

There's a tension in the Christian life between insisting and having your own way and humbly giving others their way. We're called to be servants of all and servants don't get their way a lot. One thing I've learned is that I am very unimportant. In the grand scheme of things, there are many people who are a heck of a lot better at the things I'm good at. Anyone who goes to Trinity knows how many dang musicians there are, for one. My voice is small and often speaks wrong and hurtful things. I have no real worth. I will die one day and turn in to dust. People will cry, then stop crying, but the world will go on. God, however, gives me worth. God leads me on the right path, gives me the right things to say and leads me to do good things that positively effect other people. I am the branch to His True Vine. The vine will continue to grow if a branch is cut off, but the branch bears fruit. This is true for all of us. We are unneeded and unimportant, but God loves us and wants to use us and give us importance.

My point? I'm trying really really hard to not be prideful or selfish. The worth that I have does not come from anything I did or earned. Any title I gain will have no bearing on God's love for me nor will it get me into Heaven. Nope, not one little bit. I fully believe this is true for every person and is something every single person needs to understand. All that to drive the point home that my plans and thoughts and opinions and words are ultimately meaningless. At best, my own words are misguided and full of folly. If that's true, then can I serve people while insisting my own way? For clarity's sake, when I say "my own way," I mean my will, opinions, plans, thoughts, words, anything like that. I'm going to say no, I shouldn't insist my own way. Now we are imperfect people but we will get it right sometimes and our words and plans don't always lead to utter destruction like it seems like I'm saying. The world won't end if we go to the restaurant I want after church instead of the restaurant my friend wants to go to. That's a smaller way we can serve our brother, putting him and his wants and needs first. Scratch that, that's a dang important thing and we all ignore it: Serving our brothers and sisters, putting them before ourselves.

"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;" Philippians 2:3 NAS

We so overlook this and I hate it. I overlook this and I hate it.

In the long run, it's so small and insignificant where we eat or what we eat. We're going to eat again in the future. And you know, if you give your friend choice of where to eat, maybe he'll give you choice next time. And maybe he won't. But serve your brother anyway, count him as more important than yourself. Do I do this? Oftentimes no. Though I did have Taco Bell twice the prior day and didn't want to eat it again. Treating others with love and caring about what they care about is servitude. They might care about silly things that don't have much real significance, but treating people with respect and at least acknowledging that what they care about is important to them is the beginning of love and servitude.

There will be times when we must insist our own way or our own will. Two people driving down a road come to a fork, one says go left the other says go right. The one saying to go left actually knows the way because he's been there, the one saying to go right just thinks he knows because Google maps told him. In this case, the one saying to go left should insist on his own way since they'll get lost if they go right. The point, though, is that the person on the left isn't saying to go left because he simply thinks going left is better or because he wants to be right, he's saying it for the benefit the people in the car. The moment we insist our own way simply because we want to be right, we start serving ourselves. It is not about us. We serve a god of Furious Love who hung Himself on a cross for us and swept through Hell on our behalf, taking the punishment due millenniums of sinners. It's not freaking about us. We must point ourselves to Jesus and we must help point everyone we can to Him. It will hurt and it will at times not be fun. We will be slapped and stepped on and put down and we will get to watch people get their way when we want our own way. But this is the greatest thing we can do because if we lay down with the intention of lifting others up, we have done our duty and been the faithful servants Jesus will greet with the "Well done."

I want to speak Truth, not because I want to speak Truth, but because I want Truth to be spoken. If it's me that speaks it or someone else, I don't care, I just want Truth to be spoken and understood. At least that's what I should want. My evil heart doesn't allow for that a lot of times. But I want to want that because I know it's right. I am a vapor and have no real substance. Jesus Christ is the eternal, transcendent, saving Truth that is the very glue for this universe. Without Him, we cannot exist. Society is quickly declining because of a rejection of ultimate Truth.

My own sinful, fleshly desires aside, I want Jesus Christ. I want everyone to worship Him and love Him. The crazy thing is that we can and should count it joy when we're stepped on and not given our way for the sake of Christ. That's what martyrdom is. The lowly servant is the happy one. Love does not insist it's own way. Love is patient and suffers for a long time. Love is the most powerful thing ever and God is love and all He wants is to love and be loved.

If I for some reason ever say something right or say something with any sort of real authority, it's because of Jesus. When I speak Truth, not for my own sake, but for the sake of others and for the sake of Truth, there's power. Not because of who is saying it, but what is being said. Truth. Jesus Christ, Savior of the world, King of Eternity.

Love, Truth,
Colton

Thoughts on the Weak Heart

"My heart is in a weak place right now."

These words from a friend the other day stuck with me. Strange thing is that this isn't a bad thing necessarily. In fact, I think it's quite a good thing a lot of times. I've shielded myself from a lot of evil lately, just kind of ignored some of the bad stuff that goes on in the world. I've tried for a long time to understand that pain and hurt are necessary in my spiritual walk, that God wants to heal me of those things and wants to be my solace, but I'm still young and afraid of pain. I struggle with the idea of people being both good and bad at the same time.

The whole idea of black and white is, well, kind of grey. Sometimes I feel like there is only black and white and sometimes I feel like there's a lot of halfway, in the middle stuff. What I know is this: the human heart is inclined towards evil. That's pretty evident all throughout the Bible. Strange though, that there's also lots of talking about the heart being a good thing, inclined toward good stuff, righteousness and all that.

It's best summed up like this, if I can even sum up something I don't totally get: We are evil, inclined towards evil. God's grace He bestows on His people make us good and make us clean. Still being human, we still do evil sometimes, but we are covered by God's grace. It makes sense hearing it and saying it, but in practice, I still tend to believe people are either good or bad, desiring righteousness or evil, one or the other, never both. See, the odd thing is that with unsaved people, I get it. But for Christians, myself so very much included in this, I feel like we should know better and that we ought to be inclined towards good all of the time if we're saved and the Holy Spirit lives in us. But experience tells me that this is not true. Either that or no one I know is saved.

All that said, my heart is also in a weak place right now. God is wanting to teach me that we can't do anything apart from Him and His grace, but I'm resisting. I've quoted John 15 before, it talking about us being the branches and Jesus being the Vine and that's what God is trying to instill in me, I think. I understand it at times, others I don't. Adam was talking last night at the end of worship at Frontline and for some reason, something clicked with what he said. He was saying basically how we are evil and imperfect, but God is Holy, and that's what's important. God is bigger and different than anything we can imagine and He can do great and perfect things through imperfect people simply because He has the power and He is holy. My heart is in a weak place because that's where we best receive what God wants to show us.

God is holy. God is love. Those are the only important things. Those two things mean a whole heck of a lot more than we can understand.

To surmise, I'm having trouble dealing with imperfection. Black and white is easier to get, but humans aren't simple. God's trying really hard to get me to rely fully on Him and I'm trying really hard to not need Him. It's becoming clearer and clearer that I have no real choice, though. Oh God, let David's psalm be on my lips. Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.

Love,
Colton

Thoughts on Fall and Sweaters and People

My close friends may read this blog and think I'm talking about them. I am. I'm also talking about myself.

I love fall! Haylee points it out well how magical fall is and the fact of getting to wear comfy jackets and sweaters and scarves isn't bad either. Fall is a wonderful season, lots of people would agree, I think. One thing that I don't really get, though, is why everyone starts longing for a significant other around this time. I mean, I'm guilty of it, too, don't get me wrong. Perhaps it's the thought of bundling up with someone, enjoying a good cup of cider or hot chocolate. Perhaps it's association with all of the holidays like Halloween, Thanksgiving, leading into Christmas where you're simply closer to people you love and care for. Whatever it is, it's an emotional time.

Now this will sound mighty Baptist of me, but emotions are not to be trusted. (To be clear, that was an in-joke with a Baptist friend of mine, lest I offend any people who are or like Baptists.) Emotions are God-given and are good because of that fact, but because we're fallen people, they lead us astray. We, being human, want things that sometimes, oftentimes, are not good for us. We think it's okay because we feel it so strongly. Now again, don't get me wrong, love is so often illogical, but it's still a good thing. We've got to look at the net gain, though. I would like a girlfriend right now, but it wouldn't benefit me. Any benefits that would be had would  be overshadowed by the negative. This, unfortunately, is the case for a lot of people right now, but being young, we're all short-sighted. Thus, the desire for a significant other continues.

So what to do? Throw on a hoodie, grab some cider and hang out. We all (read as: I) need to focus on God, growing our relationship with Him, growing beneficial relationships, good things. Like I was telling a very good friend last night, if we really have the Holy Spirit in us, then we have the power to overcome anything, which includes our own misguiding emotions. A problem that occurs is that we're all very bad at knowing our own hearts. We often do things we think are okay, but we're doing those things for the wrong reason and we don't even know it.

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." Gen 2:18. That right there says it better than I can ever say it. Having a significant other is not a bad thing, inherently. No, it's quite the opposite, but it can very much be a bad thing. The problem is that we are bad at prioritizing God in their lives and we let our girlfriend or boyfriend have a higher place in our lives than God, which is very much no bueno.

To sum it up, this: FOCUS ON GOD. Oh Lord, if I could only learn to do that. If we fix our eyes on Jesus, He will give us what we need. That includes a significant other. If we're to have one.

For the time being, I think many of us need to sit put, wrapped in our scarves, sipping hot chocolate and reading our dang Bibles. At least that's what I need. That and counting others before ourselves. Every now and then I'm good at doing that. Not often, though. Blegh.

Love,
Colton

A Post for the Sake of Having a Post

No broad topic to discuss here, no great revelation, just me talking about how I'm doing.

I'm doing pretty dang good. I'm really the happiest I've ever been. There's that joy thing again. I think I talk a lot about God and the truths He's revealed to me because I think about it a lot. Those things seem like the only important things to talk about. Sure, important stuff happens, interesting stuff, but a lot of it is overshadowed by God, which is how it ought to be, I think. But I want you to know me in the practical stuff. Reading this blog, you know what's going through my head, but not so much what I do or what things I like. Obviously I like God well enough, but that's no the entirety of me.

So again, I'm doing good. People have asked me how I'm doing a lot recently and I've usually responded "good, but busy." I'm almost always doing something, going somewhere, hanging out, meeting for coffee, running sound, doing something. I enjoy it, but it's also made me appreciate down time. And cars with good gas mileage. I've been talking to various people lately and there's a lot of ministry stuff coming down the pike which I'm super excited about. God seems pretty faithful to provide stuff, which is really nice. People keep asking me to sing and play guitar for them, so they must enjoy my playing somewhat, which is also really nice.

I've read a lot here recently, it's kind of my new addiction. Thankfully, this one is cheaper than most of the others I've had. Books are cheap in thrift stores and people give them away all the time as well as loan them out. I must admit, a large part of what I choose to read is very shallowly based on what the book looks like and the name of it. Of course the name is going to be a big part of why most people choose the books they do, but I tend to like old books for the simple fact they're older. Now there's also a greater likelihood of the book being good since publishers will put out just about anything with little fact-checking or discretion, really. But yeah, I like old books. Thankfully, those are usually the cheaper ones in thrift stores.

I've become much more vain lately. In my dress, not so much. I still wear tight t-shirts and pants and I'm happy with my wardrobe, but my hair and face have gotten more attention. It is nice having a good haircut, though. I've finally found someone that is able to consistently give me quality haircuts that I like. God bless my mom, she always cut my hair well, but I was never a huge fan of the style. The lovely Mrs. Shauna Gephart, my stylist, has also got me hooked on proper hair products.

I could think of more stuff to talk about but I'd like a nap, which is precisely what I'll do...right after I add a post-script to my last blog, clearing up something I didn't make as clear as I wanted to.

Love,
Colton

P.S. I feel silly every time it happens, but I will be tired at work, but not want to drink coffee for fear it will make me fidgety and hyped up on caffeine, but still leave me groggy. What almost always happens is that I end up drinking some and actually feeling awake and fine.

The Burden of Truth and the Unbearable Lightness of Being

As my friend Jordan Evans heard from me last night, Truth is preeminent. Okay, now before I get into my topic, I want to point out that I don't use uncommon words for the simple fact that they're uncommon. Well, usually. I use less common or bigger words because they have a more exact definition, closer to the meaning I'm trying to convey. Now that point in itself relates to the topic of this particular post, but it's half me being clear about why I do something, half me being prideful and defending my use of pretentious words.

Preeminent: (adj.)  [pree-em-uh-nuhnt] (taken from Dictionary.com and Merriam-Webster.com)
1. above or before others, superior, surpassing

2. having paramount rank, dignity, or importance : outstanding, supreme 

If Truth is not placed at the highest position, everything goes to crap. If we begin to get into Deconstructionism and Post-Modernism and Existentialism and all those philosophies, we quickly lose sight of Truth and meaning. If Truth is treated as an undefinable, nebulous thing that means whatever we want it to, everything falls apart. Morality is gone, purpose is gone. Truth is definable, yes, but determining exactly what Truth is is impossible without Jesus.

Jesus said to him, "I am the Way, and the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6 ESV, emphasis added.

Truth is the only way people can relate to each other. People are so very different, their biases, their experiences, their prejudices, how can we ever hope to relate to other people? We share experiences, interests, we share Truth.  The same way, it is through Jesus and only through Jesus that we can relate to God. He is our sacrifice, our high priest, our mediator. 

Example time, based off an experience the other day. Here we have an apple:

The apple is green. One may call this particular shade of green Kelly green, another may call it grass green. Either have many valid reasons why they believe it is that color, let's say one is an artist, the other is a screenprinter. To them, the apple is the color they say it is, but regardless of what they say, the apple is the color that it is. They could both very well be wrong, but their wrongness or rightness does not change the color of the apple. That is Truth, and Truth is unaffected by people. Incontrovertible.

My first point is that Truth is so incredibly important. It's something I've been thinking so much about lately. People get well caught up in their ideas and presuppositions and even things they've learned and they often lose sight of the Truth. I understand the need for knowledge and its importance, but I also know that things people have believed beyond the tiniest shadow of a doubt to the point of putting people to death because they didn't believe the same have been proven wrong, one example being when people thought the earth was the center of the universe. It was heretical to believe otherwise. The Truth that the earth is not the center of the universe hasn't ever changed, though. How then do we pursue Truth rather than knowledge, which has been proven wrong many times before? It's Jesus. Oh my, is it ever Jesus.

I try really hard to attain truth. I miss it a lot since I'm human. It's frustrating most often since I'm wrong a lot and it's much easier to go about life leaning on my and others' suppositions. But that just doesn't work. That doesn't quite settle it for me. Now I'm not saying I'm always, 100% of the time truthful. Whether it be a misunderstanding or my own pride, I don't speak truth. But then I feel dumb and go about trying to have Truth around my waist, holding my pants up so I don't show my ass again. For the purpose of finding Truth, I try to be precise in my language so people get what I'm saying rather than what they think I'm saying. Again, I'm bad at this sometimes and I don't get my point across, but it's better to keep trying.

So, point one is this: Jesus is Truth. Truth is found only in Him. For this reason and the reason that Truth is the only thing that we can count on, Truth is and ought to be preeminent to all.

Now then, the unbearable lightness of being. The book where I got that phrase from focuses on the idea that since we have only one life, there's not much pressure. In a way, our one life is incredibly important and heavy because it is our one and only shot. At the same time, however, the Bible talks about how our days are like a breath, here then gone. A single breath, a patch of dust, these things aren't important and are quickly gone. Everything we do is both exalted and made humble by Jesus' sacrifice. Our works alone don't save us, Jesus does, our faith does. Our faith is dead without works, however, so they are indeed important. All this, however, is well overshadowed by Jesus dying on the cross. 

People place so much importance on this life, forgetting that it's a very, very small part of the story. This side of eternity literally can not compare to the other side. It doesn't work mathematically. The point is to do our absolute best while having in mind the fact that Jesus has saved us and we cannot compare or come close to doing anything anywhere near the worth of what Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit do every day. I don't think I need a lot more explaining than that, I'd just be rambling and repeating myself if I did. And I never do that...

Sarcasm aside, be happy. Happiness is important. It's hard to want to do anything side from acquainting yourself with a pint of Ben and Jerry's if you're unhappy. Being, existing, doing life isn't so nearly as hard as we think. Jesus has promised to take care of us. Job went through some incredibly hard times, but was doubly blessed when it was all over. Pain recedes, our old bodies are glorified, we meet Jesus face to face.

To recap: Truth is found only in Jesus. Truth is the only hope for an imperfect and unholy people.  Life is ultimately easy because we have Jesus. The reward is much greater that we can see. 

Love,

Colton

P.S. I didn't stress enough our personal burden of Truth. Truth is important, but the only way it can have the prevalence it needs is if we all constantly put aside ourselves and seek Truth. We must seek Truth. Not knowledge, not opinions, nothing but Truth. That, and I must stress this one more time, is only found in Jesus Christ. Everything else is chaff. We are commanded to bring the Gospel, the Good News, to all the world before Jesus returns, the Gospel being the Truth of Jesus. It is our duty, which is only able to be accomplished with and through God. Go speak Truth.

Thoughts on patience and giving a crap and my ambivalence towards that.

TL;DR: Live life, make decisions, don't fret. I'm Colton and I make a lot of sense sometimes, but today my thoughts aren't incredibly coherent.

I've noticed that I manage twice-monthly posts on this blog, so I figured it's about time for another. I am in a strange season right now as many friends will attest to my claiming that. As I was telling my Baptist friend Jacob today, I almost always want to skip steps. When I'm doing tedious or menial tasks, physical stuff, I like doing everything in order and doing it properly, but when it comes to people or relationships or life, I want to skip steps. Physical pain easily fades, I have just faint memories of the worst pain I've ever been in, nothing that scares me or keeps me from doing stuff now. The thought of emotional work and doing stuff that's not easy is scary, though. I know it's necessary and I always end up a better person from either the experience or the lesson learned from it, but that doesn't make it any easier in my head. A thing that goes along with that is that since I'm a pretty black and white person (much to my own chagrin), I tend to hate the transitional learning period because of the lack of wholeness in it. I want to be done with something shortly after I start it simply because I don't like not being "there". I hate mess-ups and especially steps backward. These are all necessary in the learning process, but it's a pain in the butt.

Patience. Yep, patience is what God's working with me on right now. I'm too impatient for this.

It is, however, in the steps, the mess-ups, the mistakes where we learn the lesson. That said, I'm 20 years old and often feel as dumb as I did when I was 16, making similar, if not the same mistakes. Thankfully, I make them less frequently. I talked with a friend last night who's in his mid 30's (man, I have a lot of friends who are older than me) and he was describing to me how he still feels like he's 18, it just hasn't sunk in yet. I also have friends who are younger than me that say they feel old. Life, feeling old or young, being mature, they're all fickle things. The more I grow into God, the less I care about that stuff. It all comes out in the wash, I think. I care about that stuff and about appearing a certain way because the desire to care about it is innate within me, but the more I learn of God and the closer I grow, the less important that stuff becomes. Yes, being mature is important, don't get me wrong, but becoming mature comes from growing in God and making proper decisions, not willing or wishing or thinking yourself mature. That's why I try not to fret too much about feeling young or feeling old or feeling or being mature. Those dang decisions though, that's part of the whole "steps" thing that I want to skip. It's inescapable, life is a series of decisions, or however that inspirational quote goes, and I will always have decisions to make, steps to take and all that. (The Step-by-Step theme song is playing in my head right now.)

Breather. Okay, let's boil this down to the simple points that I do for myself and for the reader that may be lost in the point I'm trying to make since I'm not that good at making a cohesive point with any tact:

• Life is difficult at times, but is usually only as difficult as we let it be. 
• Don't fret, just live and trust God. He's better at this than you. See above bullet point.
• I'm really, really ADD today. Many rabbits found in the holes I've traveled in my conversations today.
• I'm impatient, but the main way one becomes more patient is to just simply be patient when things test your impatience. Like my friend Alex Norwood says "Don't ever pray for patience." 
• The only thing I care about right now, which is a good and perhaps bad thing, is God. That entails Jesus, my relationships with people and my ability to love them and show them the love of their Savior. Good because, well, that's good, but bad because I don't care that much about anything else. Like my job or whether or not I have money in my bank account. I care some, but the only reason I care about those is because they're relevant to my loving people and God.
• Like I said, it all comes out in the wash. Get your priorities in order and it will all fall into place. Lord I hope that's true, look at the previous bullet point.
• Scripture and really the whole Trinity is kicking my butt right now. 
• I love life. Oh my gosh do I love life. It's awesome. I wish people who hated life could see what I see. As much as I complain about stuff and even life itself, I love it and could not currently think of doing anything else. 
• Random songs that have entered my head during the course of this blog: the Step-by-Step theme, Alive by P.O.D., and one more I can't remember. Wait, it was How to Save a Life by The Fray. Not sure why.
• Whoooo, I'm lacking in making sense today!

Haha, well, any semblance of coherence in thought now gone, I'll wrap up. I am a son of God. He will always be my Dad and I'll always be learning from Him. That relieves a lot of pressure. Now you, yeah you, stop fretting. 

Hahaha, oh gosh. I hope I don't weird anyone out. Like I said, I'm feeling strange today. I normally make more sense than this, I'm sorry. I'll make more sense tomorrow, hopefully. One thing I'm certain of is that I am a multifaceted individual. There is rarely a normal Colton, but the one most common aspect is that I'm smiling a lot. At least that's an aspect I like to have a lot.

Gah.

Love,
Colton

Love, it'll make you a man, it'll make you a child again.

It's 10:30pm on a Thursday and I have to be at work at 5:00am tomorrow morning. I just don't find much motivation to go to bed and get sleep, really. I'm putting off getting ready for a trip I'm going on I guess because I just don't feel like packing now. I have most of my laundry done, I just have to put it all away. That, however, isn't the topic at hand or the reason I started writing a blog tonight.

I am so very happy. Joy fills my chest and I'm thankful for that. God is wonderful and I'm a jerk and that's okay because God is, as I said, wonderful. The past few days have been ridiculously encouraging and I'm ready for a fight I'm so excited. I have moments of sadness, moments of frustration, even doubt and confusion, but the underlying understanding and knowledge of God's grace and His gifts to us don't cease. I'm still in the process of wrangling my thought processes and starving out the sin inherent in my human body, but I seem to be making some progress and I thank God for that.

One thing I've noticed which makes me really really happy is that my love for people and things has grown lately. Because of my heightened emotions right now, I can also get more frustrated with people than I have in the past, but I am also a lot more understanding of the human condition and the fact that we can't do a dang thing about our sin apart from Jesus. I love the quirkiness of my friends and the little things they don't like about themselves tend to be some of the things I like best. I sometimes fear that the fact I'm happy turns people off from me, even pisses people off, but perhaps that means I'm doing it right.

Man, I could go on and on about all the stuff that's changing right now. I will say however that the human body is a complex thing and that it was designed to love. All the systems work together, if one thing is off, it throws other stuff off. This includes the physical as well as the emotional and the spiritual. One example is this: One gets exercise walking, the more one walks, the more exercise is had. If we then are made to love and one part of love is putting others before yourself, then parking farther away from an entrance to a building not only is considerate of others and thus loving, but also does yourself well by getting just a little bit more exercise than you would if you'd parked in one of the handicap spots. Now I know this isn't the most rock solid logic and it could be said that giving another person an opportunity to exercise more than yourself is also considerate, but it's like opening a door for someone. They'll most likely be okay if you didn't do it, but the consideration is the important part, I think. My point is that we are holistic beings, spiritually, physically, emotionally. Now go open a door for somebody.

I've been writing a lot here lately, a few of you know that. I hope I get a good couple of songs knocked out this next week up in the mountains of Kentucky. I'm taking the scenic route, jumping off the interstate 30 miles before I even hit Kentucky. 

I love everyone, or at least try to. I wouldn't want that any other way. God is so good, grow close to Him, understand the worth He has put in you, and what He's done for you in sacrificing His Son. Freaking yell, jump up and down, run, love, just exist as much as you can and glorify Him in all you do. NOTHING at all matters except for God and what He wants us to do, a big part of which is to simply understand that He loves us.

God, let us love all the more. Grow us into Your will for us. Let us know Your joy more and more every day.

FREAKING LOVE, MAN!
Colton

Joy and Heartache

It is God's will that my heart should hurt. The life a follower of Christ is called to is not an easy one. Being wholly dependent on someone is not easy and can be heart-wrenching at times, but can also be the most fulfilling thing one can experience. God desires us fully and with undivided attention. Practically, this leads us to being scared, being vulnerable, being wrong, being a lot of other things that are not fun. If we are open and dependent on Christ, He will make us into who He most wants us to be. Most often, this means we're more caring towards our friends and other people. Maybe I'm a masochist, but I would rather my heart hurt for the ones I love than have half a friendship. We cannot do anything halfway. Revelation 3 confirms this. But the thing is, we will never experience the unmatched Joy communion with God brings unless we totally open ourselves and give up everything. But note the phrase "unmatched Joy." Though we will never repay God for what He's done, He still give us Salvation. By that logic, God will also grant us the greater gift of eternal Joy in exchange for the pittance of our existence. But let's ignore that for a second.

" ¹And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. ²For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. ³And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, ⁴and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, ⁵that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God." 1 Corinthians 2: 1-5

With all of the events that have happened in my life recently, I take this Scripture to heart. If Paul, the guy who wrote a giant chunk of what God considers His perfect message to all of the Church, says that he doesn't know anything, save for one thing, what are we doing theorizing and fretting over anything at all?

I have resolved within myself that I do not need anything at all, I do not care about whatever circumstances I find myself in, I do not care who I am or how I feel as long as I understand what Jesus did and still does for me. If I understand that, then I will serve Him with my whole heart and that is the only thing of importance. I will give up everything I have and will ever have, be the things good or bad or neutral if I can follow God more closely. I once told my motto "love, then everything else will follow" to one of my friends who promptly disagreed with me, saying it wasn't so simple as that, but if it's real Biblical Love and not the emotion of affection and butterflies in your stomach, then that conquers everything else. God is Love, Love then is all you need. Love is preeminent. Our Joy is found in our identity in Christ and that alone. My Joy here recently has come only from really understanding what God has done for me.

Give up everything. Resolve to know nothing, save for Christ's crucifixion. Trust in and believe on Jesus. Amen.

love,
Colton

Thoughts on Overthinking

Well, since I have a blog and I just recently got back from Honduras, I figured I would blog about my visit there. Before we left, I had a couple of people tell me that I would get something out of this trip. Until this very moment, I hadn't realized what it was that I really got. I got no spectacular revelation on this trip, no slobbery, snot-soaked crying session, nothing noteworthy aside from one noteworthy thing I got the chance to be a part of. There was a man at a church we were at who complained of pain in his joints and said he was blind in his left eye. I was one of a couple of people to pray for him and when he opened his eyes, crying, I grabbed a translator who related that his vision was now perfect. I then cried a bit while hugging him and went to sit down after that. What I just now figured out that I got was faith.

That was the first time I'd ever laid hands on someone in prayer and seen them immediately healed and it set me back a little bit. Since then, my confidence and faith in God and what He wants to do has pretty well increased. I think that one of the keys to having faith is to not overthink things. I don't know how many times I've said to myself and others "stop worrying, just love Jesus." We know what faith is, we know how to have it, but we still find ourselves faithless more often than confident in what Jesus can do. It's easy to begin to think "oh, well, what if he's not healed?" or "what if I look like a weirdo going to pray for this guy?" Honestly, it doesn't matter. God, being sovereign and Holy has control and will not let His name be sullied. Jordan Evans and I had a long conversation the other morning where we talked about faith and how the American Church is pretty faithless. Again, the thing is, faith is really simple. You just believe.

Now that sounds all good and well and it sounds like it would make a nice greeting card, but it really is that simple. We overthink everything. One thing I've found out is that overthinking leads to inaction. I feel like I've said that before, but it bears repeating. Now one must take caution because too little thought leads to stupid decisions. A few incidents come to mind with this, but that isn't the focus of this blog. Stop thinking too much and just act. A lot of people don't have any problem overthinking and acting, I commend them for that, it's something I wish I could do with greater ease. I tend to think of every reason why something won't work out or will go bad and then I get so flustered with it that I don't do anything about the present situation.

I've noticed that I've begun a habit of getting my momentum rolling when writing a blog, then abruptly stopping and stating my point bluntly. Not sure if this is a good thing, but it is what it is.

Have faith. Don't overthink it. Go now therefore and act.

Love,
Colton

P.S. Honduras was awesome. I've caught the mission trip bug and I'm definitely going next year wherever we go.

The Plastic Jewels of Pride

Pride is a terrible beast. It beats it's furry chest and makes us cry when we hurt it. It's a big handsome demon that prevents us from laughing at our silliness. It infects every single person and lies barely noticed until it's so prominent you don't care anymore. I swing between hating pride passionately and being thoroughly but comically annoyed by it. Pride leaves us insensitive and leads us to hurt others. Oh pride, it leaves us blind.

For some reason, I've become really sensitive to pride lately, really good at seeing it and seeing it's effects. I've also noticed that often times, our initial reaction or choice of words is what we actually feel or think before we have time to rationalize it and say what we think we mean or want to mean. That isn't always the case, however, and it varies from person to person. One thing that pride has done to me is separate me from my friends and God, both when I have pride in myself and when I see it in my friends. Pride is one of those things that doesn't go away as we grow up, it only gets worse.

We all know what pride is and what it does, telling all that would be beating a dead horse. To say I have no pride would be both untruthful and prideful, which is quite the opposite of what I would be trying to say. I have lots of pride, unfortunately, and I can now see it better and see what it does, whether it affects me or others. The lovely thing is that Jesus has relieved me of some of my pride and given me the ability to laugh at myself a lot more than I used to be able to. (I phrased that last bit as "used to could" in my head before I typed it as it is. I will always be a Claxton boy and I'm okay with that.)

The only way we get rid of our pride, however, begins with begging Jesus to break us of it, then constantly doing stuff to humble ourselves. God will certainly provide you with enough opportunities to do so. We must then realize that we haven't done anything or achieved anything of worth apart from Jesus. All our talents and gifts are God-given and unless we thank God for them and know that we didn't earn them, it just becomes pride.

When we break our pride, we begin to truly live and truly serve others. When our pride is broken, we know a lightness and a happiness that we couldn't have known before. Because Jesus has broken me of some of my pride, I'm much happier. I laugh a lot more, I don't give the tiniest crap about keeping secrets about myself. It is better to be humble. Much, much better. Again, I know I'm still prideful. I know that I don't know how prideful I am. I've reworded some of these sentences so they didn't sound so prideful which, noting the above point of how our initial reaction is often the truest one, is in itself prideful. If you ever see me being prideful, feel free to call me out on it in front of as many people as you wish. I'll probably cower for a minute, but then agree and laugh about it later.

The pride game never ends. It goes by many names: respect, entitlement, and the like. If you've ever uttered the phrase "I deserve better," you may be correct, but you may also be acting pridefully. Truth is, we don't deserve crap. We have all treated people poorly and God worse. Someone slaps you, whether physically or emotionally, relationally, or whatever way someone may hurt you, you are commanded to turn your cheek so they can do it again. One thing I'm trying to do is to only insist my point or my rightness when it really matters and when I know for a fact I'm right. I often end up insisting my rightness when someone is being prideful and insisting their own correctness, which ends up with me being prideful right back, which I don't mean to do, but it happens a lot more than I like.

Haha, I started this off thinking that I'm kind of humble, but I ended up reminding myself that I'm really still prideful, which brings me to the secondary point of this blog, which is that God often answers prayers in ways other than the ways we want or ask for. I pray, expecting a wad of cash to fall into my hands that will pay for mission trip, but end up balancing my checkbook and realizing that the small donation I did get is just enough to let me work out my finances and not have to worry so much about money when I get back. That in itself was humbling, realizing I'm a greedy dick who would rather take a handout than be fiscally responsible.

All in all, I guess I'll end with this: God is Jehova-jireh, meaning He will provide for us. He is a good Father who loves His children desperately. Jesus is the Great Physician, healing us of our hurts and the hurts we cause others. God probably chuckles as we all run around with our paper crowns and plastic jewels, prattling on about what we're owed. God doesn't, however, screw around and fiercely desires a spotless Bride. That said, we ought to get our crap together, drop the chaff, and focus on Jesus. Lord knows I need to.

Love,
Colton

To reiterate and surmise without saying it the first time.

Well dang, computer died and I lost the post I was writing. Meh, I'll just surmise the points:

• I don't know things, but I learn them slowly and get closer to God and that keeps me going
• God is good and I'm dumb, but that's okay, because God is good
• The simple, foundational things are the most important: read Bible, pray, know that God is good, don't flip off old ladies
• People are all different
• Glorify God, love God, love people

I'll repost a prayer I prayed the other day since it was a good and simple prayer.

Lord, let the Truth be known. Mend broken hearts and bring people nearer to You. Jesus help us. Amen.

Amen and amen.

Love, I think,
Colton

The Greatest Joy

The greatest joy we will ever experience is being used by God, doing the things He's made us to do. God did not make the larger portion of us for middle management desk jobs, which is why a lot of people in those positions are unhappy. God did not make us to run around incessantly, giving ourselves away and for little to no price. God did not make us to feed our own egos.

God made us to lift each other up, to encourage one another. God made us to learn who He really is, not our preconceived ideas of Him. God made us to love and be loved.

Cast down your cynicisms and build up your brother. Fret not, because God is certainly good.

Love,
Colton

P.S. I chose not to sleep last night, this is a by-product of my experiences and lessons learned over the last while as seen through sleepy eyes.

The Reason We're All Buttholes

I couldn't honestly say if this theory is Biblically supported. To avoid any potential heresy, let me go ahead and clarify that I think that sinning and being a jerk or a butthole or otherwise acting in an inconsiderate, uncaring manner are two different things. Many times they involve the other, but they are not inherently the same thing. To stay as close to the Bible as I can, let's quote some scripture that is pertinent to my point I am going to pontificate. But first, I must note that I purposefully placed the words in this and the previous sentence to alliterate, because I do so love to alliterate. Righty then.

". . . for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," -Romans 3:23

Let it be clarified that first and foremost we are all uncaring jerks. This is because we are sinful, fallen creatures, which is made abundantly clear in the Scriptures. Everything that we do that is unpleasant can usually be boiled down to the fact that we are all effected by the human condition. What I'm looking at is a more specific reason and a very common cause as to why we are jerks and buttholes.

We, as humans, act in unkind, uncaring, generally jerky and dickish ways most often times because we have been hurt in one way or another.

Is this an excuse for our behavior? Mostly no. It means we should have grace when someone is a jerk to us. It means we should aim to avoid hurting people. Hurting people and being hurt are unavoidable, unfortunately. We are a broken people living in a world we broke long ago and continue to break. God is sovereign and is Love and is the Savior of the universe, however, and our actions are made small in the sight of a really big and great God. Let me repeat that: God is Love and our brokenness is inconsequential because of His grace.

It should be noted that many times when we've acted uncaringly, it's because we simply were being inconsiderate. Does that excuse it? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. We should still feel bad for hurting someone and we should still try to rectify it, but this is just another reason why we act the way we do. The larger problem of acting out of hurt is the main focus here, however.

I've used the example before of humans being like dogs and God being the master. You get a pack of dogs and they can be loving and playful one minute, but can turn on each other the next, snapping at each other, then being hurt because they were snapped at which causes them to snap at each other even more. With all our combined knowledge and technology, we can never get over our jealousies, our pride, our hurt, our human nature. We are like dogs who return to their own vomit. Hey, that sounds vaguely familiar.

In no attempt to justify or excuse my actions, let me tell you that most of the times and possibly even all of the times that I've been a jerk or acted in an unloving way, it's because I was hurt. I've ignored customers at my job when I've been emotionally hurt. I've ignored friends who have tried to help me when I've been hurt. Should I have tried to get over my hurt at least to the point that I'm not a jerk to people? Absolutely, but unless I was wallowing in my hurt, I don't think God will be very upset with me for acting human.

I won't drown you with examples of this like I tend to do when making a point. The point tends to make itself. Just think about the last time you were a jerk to someone, you should see what I mean. The catch is when we act in response to things we don't know we're hurt about. Whether it was our parents not telling us they were proud of us leading to machoism in guys or mothers not showing love to their daughters leading to controlling women, we act out of our hurt.

Please, please, please, try to examine yourself and see why you act the way you do. If someone has accused you of being a jerk, find the root cause of why they think that. Either they have been hurt and are interpreting your actions as being unkind or you have acted unkind because of some hurt you've experienced, the latter being the more common reason. We are, a lot of times, unaware of our own true intentions, be them good or bad. A good quick start to fix any hurtful situation or to avoid them in the future is to act out of love, which many times starts with just being nicer and more humble. Crazy idea, I know. Just be open to the idea that there is a reason why someone is crappy person, other than them simply being a crappy person. Be open to the idea that you yourself have acted uncaringly and unkindly and that that is why someone has acted that way to you. No one started it, no one is the first to blame, we're all hurt, let's understand this and move on.

I have many times not acted out of love and I regret and am sorry for each one of those times. If I have hurt you, you are more than welcome to tell me about it and I will give you the sincerest apology I can muster. I may explain to you why I acted the way I did, which may or may not lessen your hurt, but I will hopefully not try to excuse my actions.

In conclusion, know this: when people are jerks, it's probably due to the fact that they are feeble, hurting people. Have grace for them like your Father has grace for you. (I feel like that is in the Bible somewhere) Forgive and forget, that's what 1 Cor. 13 tells us.

I love you as much as my feeble human form will let me. We are all dicks. Please excuse the vulgarities, but they're necessary to show how crappy we all are. I'm sorry for treating my friends and loved ones badly. Let us all forgive one another and look to Jesus, the only one who can make us less crappy.

Love,
Colton

P.S. It should be noted that I'm terrible at this. I realize the need to have grace for people for this reason, but I'm not very good at it so I apologize if it came off as if I thought I was. If Paul was the chief of sinners, consider me king of buttholes. 

Thoughts on Being Okay with Who You Are (and Pretentiousness)

"I'll have a grande 5-pump, no water, soy Chai with one Sweet & Low at 145 degrees with light foam, and make sure it's light foam and 145 degrees."

I got this from a customer a couple of weeks back. This, or at least something similar, spawned the "Self-Entitlement" song we are fond of singing at Starbucks. I constantly struggle with being okay with who I actually am and trying not to seek validation from others' opinions of me. The funny thing is that when people do this, they get the opposite result they want, most times. Let it be stated forthright that I'm talking about myself moreso than anyone else in this blog.

(I'll keep this blog short, if only to forgo getting down on myself for being stupidly guilty of this for enjoying the lovely day outside)

God made us who we are. Most often times, if not all of the time, any bad habits we have are actually good habits or things that are misdirected. God gave us the genes He did on purpose, gave us the parents He did for a reason, gave us our eccentricities intentionally. Wishing you were different or trying to be different or your idea of better than who you are is, at it's core, dishonoring God. If people don't like you for who you are, then they won't be your friend and that is totally okay.

The fact you like stupidly complicated drinks doesn't make you cool or any better of a person, it gives you no more control over your life. Anyone who knows me knows I have liked my stupidly complicated drinks, hopefully they know me well enough to know that I recently have simplified my drinks. I can still taste the difference between half a pump and a whole pump of vanilla in my chai, but I'm now less picky about it. I've also given up my double tall, half-caf, breve, wet cappuccino with two raw sugars.

Stop having pretenses about yourself, be honest. Stop the constant self-evaluation, love yourself as your neighbor. Just freaking love God, dummy. You know how to do this.

Love,
Colton

P.S. This probably has a darker tone than I meant to, probably because I was fretting over how much of a butthole I can be at times. It's honestly not such a grave thing, everyone does it and God probably just chuckles at how silly we are. To quote Aaron Weiss, "We're like children dressing in our parents' clothes, saying 'nobody knows me, nobody knows me, no one knows my name.'" Fret not, loves and children, God loves us through our pretentiousness and general silliness. Reread this while having in mind the scene of sitting in a sunny window. After you reread this, go outside and enjoy the sun, free from glass.

Thoughts on Progress, Regression, and Stagnation.

Progress, you strange and fickle thing.

I think I've mentioned before how I'm frustrated with having to learn the same lessons over again. This is better than never learning them, but isn't the first choice, were the matter a choice. Let's take my diet for example. For a while I had a decent diet, eating wheat bread rather than white, getting grilled instead of fried chicken, getting salads and the like. Somewhere along the road, that regressed back to my previous diet of Hardee's and frozen pizza. I'm not sure when it happened, but it did and that's little frustrating. Part of it may have been convenience, since salads are more work to eat than a burger. Perhaps it was due to cost since eating healthy is expensive. Whatever the reason, I regressed and I'm now going to try and at least somewhat get back on that since I'm working out with some frequency now.

It's the same with reading my Bible and praying. For a while, I did both frequently, but somewhere along the line, I began to do these things less. I think a lot of it is due to my trying to use my emotions to propel me to do things. Emotions die down, then so does whatever they're fueling.

Our society is all about convenience and rarely about quality. Things that are of lesser quality are easier and cheaper to produce. Without going all ranty about society and apathy, I'll simply voice my distaste for the problem of American convenience with this: The easy, cheap way is rarely a good way and I hate that I've been indoctrinated into not only settling for, but desiring the convenient way. This thought process is pervasive into every aspect of life. It's much easier to watch T.V. than to actually read a book and think. It's easier to think about someone than to actually talk to them. Simply settling, that is stagnation, and stagnation is no bueno.

The thing with this mindset is that after a while, we begin to regress as a society. We lose people skills when given the choice of communicating exclusively through Facebook. We lose comprehension skills when all we read is online magazine articles. This is too deep a topic to really properly get into when it's nearing midnight and I have work at five in the morning, and again, I don't want to get preachy if only because I'm terribly guilty of all this myself.

In conclusion? Crap, I don't know. I guess trying to power through doing the hard, better stuff while not riding emotion is all we can try to do. There's a scripture on going from glory to glory in the Bible somewhere, I've never been 100% on the context or intended meaning, but I do know that simply because of age, we gain experience, then knowledge, then wisdom. All it takes to achieve those things is a genuine concern for progress. It's awfully frustrating, trying to have the world figured out at 20 years old, though. I'm not totally bought into the idea that I know everything, rather I'm aware that I don't, but I'm trying to anyway.

Love,
Colton

P.S. Here's a quote from a song that's semi-relevant to the topic. I'm a big copy-cat since Haylee posted lyrics in her last blog, too.


Salvation just an emotion like the one you're riding now.
The foundation was never there.
Turn on burn not the most peaceful thing, but truth is out of my hands.
Love is never easy.
Not too attractive for the weak.


-Maylene and the Sons of Disaster

On the Mezzanine Floor

"Everyone I know seems to be having a hard time right now." Those were the words of consolation my mom offered as I trudged off to my room today. Sometimes our spiritual seasons don't match the seasons of the earth, but sometimes they do. I've heard it's supposed to get cold again this week before it finally warms up for Spring. I tend to get bogged down easily with things. I let things get to me through my convoluted, over-analyzation of things that leads me to confusion rather than an answer. I don't understand who God is a lot of times. This is the third draft of this blog simply because I don't know what to say.

I am not a new Christian anymore. My relationship with God has been tried and tested and I'm still here, aware of the fact that God is very real and very faithful. I've got the concept of John 3:16 down. I think the next thing I, as a Christian, need to understand is found in 1 Corinthians 13. I won't go into breaking it down and saying what it is I need to learn and why I need to learn it, that's too tedious a task for my level of tiredness right now. God is Love and Love is very clearly defined in here. My hermeneutically sensitive friends will probably point out my failure to include context in removing this chapter from the rest of the book, but it stands well enough on it's own.

I think I'm going to sit down and try to memorize the whole chapter. I've forgotten most of the scriptures I've memorized simply because my mind doesn't retain things well, but this is too important to let myself forget. I've a lot on my mind that I either can't or don't want to put into words right now, so I'll end with this:

" ¹If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. ²And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³ If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
  
^"4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant ⁵or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; ⁶it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

^"8Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. ¹¹When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. ¹²For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

^"13So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."

 I'm trying to become a man now. I can not do this, nor anything else, apart from Love.

Love, perhaps,
Colton

P.S. I must admit that I stole the title and somewhat the idea from miss Haylee, since I can't exactly get away from giving credit where due since 50% of my readership was there when the conversation was had that sparked this blog.

Psalms 51, the Heart, and Getting What I Want

^"16For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. ¹⁷The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. ¹⁸Do good to Zion in your good pleasure; build up the walls of Jerusalem; ¹⁹then will you delight in right sacrifices, in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings; then bulls will be offered on your altar." Psalms 51:16-19

When I first read this while actually paying attention to what I was reading, it freaked me out. "But that's how they did things back then, having burnt sacrifices to attone," I thought. It messed with my head because that's how things were supposed to have changed in the New Testament. I then realized what people meant when they say that God is the same and is unchanging. It's always been about the heart, He's just changed how we interact with Him. Having a right heart is inescapable when wanting to deal and commune with God.

My dear friend Whitteny asked me how I communicated with God yesterday which was a question I'd never been asked before. My answer was something to the effect of "I thank Him a lot." It takes a certain amount of humility to thank someone. When thanking someone, you're showing your appreciation for something that someone did or something that happened that you didn't or couldn't have done yourself. Just the same, thanking God for whatever He's done is acknowledging that He's done something for you that you didn't do which means you've relied on Him to some degree. This is one way of showing humility while also showing your love and appreciation for God.

The Psalm above talks about a greater humility. Of course, it's possible to thank someone while not really meaning it. The broken and contrite heart is endlessly thankful and appreciative for anything that comes it's way. This Psalm says that God doesn't want our actions, but wants our heart to be accessible. Being contrite can be defined as being remorseful of our past sin and being resolved to avoid future sin. Basically, that's all there is to it. Yearning for God and avoiding sin not because sin is bad, but because it separates you from God. Once you do that, then He'll be happy with all the things you do for him.

I think I can say that I love God. Neither I, nor anyone else will be able to say that we loved God as much as we could, there's always something more we could have done. The important part, however, is having our heart in a good place, which is attained by following the above scripture. I'm at a point now where I'm tired of not experiencing what God has for me, not being obedient to His will for me. The thing that I've realized is that things are oftentimes not handed to people. To be obedient, one must pursue his (or her) destiny, for a lack of a better term.

In the Men's Fraternity meetings I've been attending, it was posed that Adam's sin didn't lie in eating the fruit so much as failing the task God set before him of protecting his wife and failing to own up to what he did. Let me pose this, then: if sin is moreso failing to fulfill God's plan for us, then having a broken and contrite heart, yearning to "go and sin no more," the heart would be filled with a desire to have what God has set for us. Of course, this is not the sole way of sinning, but it's a bigger part of it than we give it credit for.

All that said, I'm taking hold of my destiny. I've said before that I don't believe in coincidences, and I still don't, but I also don't believe in fate, or to use a more theological term, predestination. Obviously, it's possible to not make it to a destination you have plans to get to if you don't get in your car and drive there. Just the same, the future is not already written and has the chance of going differently than we or God has planned. There are some things that will come to pass, regardless, otherwise God wouldn't be God, but it's all too possible for a person to not live up to their destiny. Again, I'm taking hold of my destiny, my calling. I will have what I want and I will only do so with the help of God. But by God, I will have what is set for me.

Love,
Colton

P.S. I could go on this for a long time, talking about so many aspects of it, but I will leave it here, for here is enough to ponder. Also, I skipped breakfast to write this and it's almost lunch time.

Thoughts on Life, God, Relationships, and the Inescapable Human Imperfection

Fuck it, let's do this thing.

Love,
Colton

P.S. Thank you, Whitteny. For everything.

The Post-Modernism Blog and Thoughts on Something I'm Not Sure How to Put Into Words

It's not that it's such a grandiose topic, nor any great truth, but rather, a lack of knowing exactly what I'm talking about. I guess personal conviction and it's involvement with love is the topic I'm after. How does one stay humble, while being sure of his personal convictions? Moreover, how does one interact with another with different personal convictions in love? These aren't rhetorical questions, they are what's on my heart right now.

While Haylee's blog seems to be one of having figured out things, mine seems to be of things I've figured out that I haven't figured out. To clarify, I know now that I don't know much. Knowing that I don't know much leaves me reluctant to say anything definite. I think that people take the principle of having personal convictions, which can be clarified as one person feeling a certain way about something whereas another may feel the opposite, and take it too far to the point of truth being personal and relevant to the person, which would be Post Modern thought. (Hey, looks like I didn't put that blog off!) Whenever two people feel different ways about something, a lot of times, they are both right on various points, but neither is the sole winner.

Where I stumble lies in the interaction with people of different convictions. It's really easy for me to think that my way is the sole right way and everyone else just hasn't figured it out yet. Trying to be consciously humble can easily lead to being prideful, I've noticed. I know logistically that the way to do it is to talk calmly and explain your side without discounting the other person's as wrong, but doing so is dang hard. Even then, balancing that with staying away from the "everybody has their own truth" bullcrap is even harder.

I suppose a definition of Post Modern thought is needed. I define Post Modern thought in the phrase "truth is relevant" meaning there is no ultimate truth, but rather, each person has an individual version of the truth and that there is no greater form to it. People see things through their own filter and act accordingly, therefore ignoring the greater truth, unhindered by their filter, so in a way, the Post Modern mindset is self-fulfilling. The problem lies in the fact that the single actual truth is not changed by people's perception of it. Let's say there was a story being told by a person to a group of people. The people in the group will mishear parts of the story and when they relate the story to others, they repeat what they thought they heard, which was incorrect. Their retelling of it affects their life from that point, but doesn't change the events that actually occurred. This is where those of the Post Modern mindset and those who don't ascribe to it diverge. (I'm getting sick of typing out Post Modern all the time, so I'm going to shorten it to PM now.) PM thinkers think that if the perception is changed, the original event then becomes irrelevant because it no longer has the proper bearing on proceeding events. Non-PM thinkers still value and search for the truth, finding it to still have value.

I'm not a PM thinker simply because PM thought leads to chaos. If everything is relative to the person and if everyone is different, there soon becomes a lack of order. With no ultimate guiding light, any number of conclusions can be reached and unity becomes unattainable. On the interpersonal level, or even at the Church level, we need unity. It's not hard to figure out that humans are social creatures and the one thing that any social structure needs to work is unity. PM thought does propel us to think outside ourselves and make us realize that there are more viewpoints than our own, but that's where the pros end.

There is really only one answer to any question posed here tonight, whether it be how to deal with people who think differently or the debate on Post Modern thought. "Jesus answered, 'I am the Way and the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me.'" John 14:6 NIV. As cheesy as it sounds, Jesus is the answer to everything. If we turn our eyes to Jesus, whether we were right about anything or what we were right about becomes irrelevant.

Love,
Colton

P.S. Were this a persuasive paper, I would have done this differently, but this is a blog written by a guy who likes to border on stream-of-consciousness writing. That and this is just the truth as I see it. (insert sarcasm emoticon here)