I'm going to be waking up about five hours from now, getting ready for work. I specifically asked for nothing for Christmas and I was granted my wish, I could only imagine reluctantly. My parents love me and want me happy. This has been a major driving force in many of their decisions they've made in life. I won't say it has been the only driving force since they're human and alive and are incapable of purity of heart which can be defined as to want one thing. For that reason, I don't blame them for anything. They're human, bound to make mistakes and be selfish.
I've recently realized that I've had prayers answered lately. The prayers have been along the lines of "please show me my brokenness, make me aware of it constantly." I was granted this and now I don't know how I feel about it. Even as I asked for it, I knew that I didn't know fully what I was asking for, I knew that any romantic notions of self-awareness of dependance on God or whatever I was going on about were probably going to be dashed as the reality of pain and need set in. Ignorance is indeed bliss, I've found. Sometimes I yearn for it. It sucks, knowing you need someone else to always help you. I mean really knowing it, not some scholarly "Yea verily, it is a sad truth," type thing where you know it but are detached from it. If you don't know it, that's fine, most won't and will be content with it.
One thing which has been liberating is knowing that I'm really no different or better than anyone else. Yeah, I can do some stuff other people might not be able two, but there are people that can do that same stuff better, and the people who can't do the stuff I can, can in turn do stuff that I myself can't. No pressure. My accolades and things I can pride myself on are pretty useless and meaningless in eternity. I'm happy when I do something of eternal significance, but I'm happy with the knowledge that I was driven to do whatever it is because of the love and grace God has shown me. The Bible spares no feelings when saying that all our righteousness is a used tampon. This could be referring to the unsaved and not those who know and love God, in fact it talks about the crowns we'll receive in Heaven for our deeds. Taking those two statements at face value, okay sure, we're not totally useless. But you can't help but look at an almighty and perfect God and think of yourself and what you do as being pretty small in comparison.
Dryness or awareness or perhaps just winter, whatever this season of the soul is, I'm decidedly lonely. That is, I've chosen to be lonely. For what end, I don't know just yet, but I know that I'm dependent on God and I'm pretty certain I always will be. No romanticism, no flowery poems, no built-up emotions leading to a cry for Abba--not the band--find me here, lonely and confused about a lot of stuff.
Now I want to be clear that this isn't a cry for friendship or sympathy or anything. I actually am quite happy, but I've been taking stock of the importance of things that have made me happy in the past and I've found that the stuff that has made me happy has been mostly temporal, unimportant stuff. I've sequestered myself and deprived myself something that really truly does make me happy and that's meaningful conversation, especially about how good God is and what He's done. I've erred in that regard, potentially others.
To conclude, I've gotten what I asked for and now that I have it, I see what it is. Now, to ask for and go about getting the next set of things I need. Let's find out what it is. I suppose I'll talk to some people.
LOVE,
Colton
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