I have this nasty tendency to do self-destructive things for whatever reason. Consciously self-destructive things which I then justify away. I still often wonder whether these things I do are okay or not. Obviously, it's not going to be the best choice all the time, but I feel, in the moment at least, like it's a good choice. It usually happens that I'll do something to piss somebody off and then play it off as pushing them away in order to give some sort of propriety to the relationship that was lacking before. Not that it's an improper relationship, just that I've let someone get a little closer than I'm comfortable with. I then upset them, purposefully or accidentally, then say it's okay because it's putting the relationship where I think it ought to be.
On the surface of my mind, I almost always have good intentions for this. One instance, there was a person who thought I was just awesome and could do no wrong. I purposefully said or did something to let them down so they would have a more realistic idea of me. Instances like this, I feel like it might be okay, but I've always attributed the phrase "self-destruction" to stuff like this which is a negative term. Other times I've done something unintentionally, then rid myself of the guilt by telling myself that whatever I did was okay because I was getting too close to the person and that what I did would serve to widen the gap between us. That's happened a lot more than the former. One instance recently, I slipped into my "I'm Colton and I'm wise and I know and say things that are hard, but true." I said something before I thought about it and upset the person I was talking to. Was what I said true? Maybe, I'm not so sure, but I know it upset the person when I was supposed to be lending an ear to a friend who needed one.
I am forever learning the lesson of "it's how you say it." First and foremost, I must take care to speak accurately, but right alongside it, I must also speak carefully. Truth is Truth, it is of utmost importance and it is at times inexorable. I just now looked up the definition for inexorable and it means a little more than I thought. It can mean adamant and stubborn, but also pitiless and cruel. The truth hurts many times, but we, being scared, fragile beings, have a tendency to close up when pain is involved. The real trick, the thing that involves finesse, (I definitely just added that so I could use "finesse") is saying the truth to where someone will actually listen and grow from it. But, you know, making sure what I'm saying is right is important too.
I've joked that I'm a bit of a masochist. That would explain the self-destruction thing. In a way it's good, it makes certain aspects of denying yourself easier, but that can get out of hand if your focus is taken off of Jesus. Because it really is all about Him. Read The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis, he does a good job of revealing the many, many, layered ways we focus on ourselves instead of Jesus. If you've read it, read it again. I hope to read it once a year at least.
I'm going to leave this blog with no conclusion. I don't really have one, I didn't find one in the course of it, I'm not going to conjure one up. That's all.
Love,
Colton
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Thoughts on Meaningless Stuff
I've been realizing the need to look to Jesus. I mean really, really looking to Him. Remembering all the things I say is hard since I say a lot of stuff. When I post here, I usually plan out and think about what I say and make sure what I'm saying is accurate, or at least potentially accurate. I can pose conjecture all day long and a lot of what I say is theoretical. That's not necessarily bad, it helps to figure out stuff, so long as it's balanced with absolutes. The problem lies in finding those absolutes. It's dang hard. The other day, I was going back and forth on a situation, trying desperately to find which of the two sides was right. Jordan Evans pointed out that I should go with whatever side pointed me toward Jesus. Mark Medley solidified that by saying simply to look to Jesus.
C. S. Lewis said something in The Screwtape Letters to the effect of everything being meaningless, but that the important and meaningful part is a thing's tendency to bring you closer of further away from God. This rings pretty true with me. Having a talk with Whitteny the other day reminded me of the fact that earthly things and motives are almost never purely anything. An overall good motive may have some selfishness or bad in it whereas an overall bad thing may have had good motives. The idea of trying to weigh the good and bad of everything makes my head cloudy and my legs fidgety. I honestly believe that everything can be boiled down to how it effects our relationship with God. The degree to which things effect that relationship varies from great to tiny, but it all matters and it all adds up. Should we not fret about how our chicken we had for lunch will effect our relationship with God? Probably, but it matters in some small way. And it's most often times about the heart behind an action and not an action itself, which reinforces the first statement in this paragraph. Am I eating this chicken because I wanted chicken or am I eating it despite my doctor's pleads to eat healthier, thus essentially mistreating my body and the temple God has chosen to live in? Everything is meaningful in a way, but it's also meaningless. God really just wants us to be considerate of Him which requires us to be considerate of people and a lot of stuff we didn't consider being considerate about.
Looking to Jesus, not looking to the painting of Jesus holding a lamb, not praying about what color to paint your room, but really depending on Him and asking for help is all we can do many times. And it's all we ought to do many times. Of course there are physical, practical things we can and should do in life and in situations, but we can't forget the importance of asking Jesus, our Great Counselor, for help. I do all too often. And then I get all existential and worried and doubtful and unfaithful.
In conclusion, I don't know. All I can do is take what I know of Jesus and go from there. Thankfully I've been learning about Him a little more. Not as a historical figure, but as a person. I make bad choices a lot of times, I make choices that upset people a lot of times, and I make good choices sometimes. Thankfully, the ratio of good to bad choices is shifting a little more towards good choices. As long as the choices I make ultimately point me or others toward Jesus, I'm glad I made them. When they don't, I'm glad God has grace for that. With all the doubt and uncertainty and lack of wholeness this world offers, all anyone can do is look to God, the Truth, the A to Z, the author and perfecter of our faith.
love,
Colton
C. S. Lewis said something in The Screwtape Letters to the effect of everything being meaningless, but that the important and meaningful part is a thing's tendency to bring you closer of further away from God. This rings pretty true with me. Having a talk with Whitteny the other day reminded me of the fact that earthly things and motives are almost never purely anything. An overall good motive may have some selfishness or bad in it whereas an overall bad thing may have had good motives. The idea of trying to weigh the good and bad of everything makes my head cloudy and my legs fidgety. I honestly believe that everything can be boiled down to how it effects our relationship with God. The degree to which things effect that relationship varies from great to tiny, but it all matters and it all adds up. Should we not fret about how our chicken we had for lunch will effect our relationship with God? Probably, but it matters in some small way. And it's most often times about the heart behind an action and not an action itself, which reinforces the first statement in this paragraph. Am I eating this chicken because I wanted chicken or am I eating it despite my doctor's pleads to eat healthier, thus essentially mistreating my body and the temple God has chosen to live in? Everything is meaningful in a way, but it's also meaningless. God really just wants us to be considerate of Him which requires us to be considerate of people and a lot of stuff we didn't consider being considerate about.
Looking to Jesus, not looking to the painting of Jesus holding a lamb, not praying about what color to paint your room, but really depending on Him and asking for help is all we can do many times. And it's all we ought to do many times. Of course there are physical, practical things we can and should do in life and in situations, but we can't forget the importance of asking Jesus, our Great Counselor, for help. I do all too often. And then I get all existential and worried and doubtful and unfaithful.
In conclusion, I don't know. All I can do is take what I know of Jesus and go from there. Thankfully I've been learning about Him a little more. Not as a historical figure, but as a person. I make bad choices a lot of times, I make choices that upset people a lot of times, and I make good choices sometimes. Thankfully, the ratio of good to bad choices is shifting a little more towards good choices. As long as the choices I make ultimately point me or others toward Jesus, I'm glad I made them. When they don't, I'm glad God has grace for that. With all the doubt and uncertainty and lack of wholeness this world offers, all anyone can do is look to God, the Truth, the A to Z, the author and perfecter of our faith.
love,
Colton
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