I'm going to be waking up about five hours from now, getting ready for work. I specifically asked for nothing for Christmas and I was granted my wish, I could only imagine reluctantly. My parents love me and want me happy. This has been a major driving force in many of their decisions they've made in life. I won't say it has been the only driving force since they're human and alive and are incapable of purity of heart which can be defined as to want one thing. For that reason, I don't blame them for anything. They're human, bound to make mistakes and be selfish.
I've recently realized that I've had prayers answered lately. The prayers have been along the lines of "please show me my brokenness, make me aware of it constantly." I was granted this and now I don't know how I feel about it. Even as I asked for it, I knew that I didn't know fully what I was asking for, I knew that any romantic notions of self-awareness of dependance on God or whatever I was going on about were probably going to be dashed as the reality of pain and need set in. Ignorance is indeed bliss, I've found. Sometimes I yearn for it. It sucks, knowing you need someone else to always help you. I mean really knowing it, not some scholarly "Yea verily, it is a sad truth," type thing where you know it but are detached from it. If you don't know it, that's fine, most won't and will be content with it.
One thing which has been liberating is knowing that I'm really no different or better than anyone else. Yeah, I can do some stuff other people might not be able two, but there are people that can do that same stuff better, and the people who can't do the stuff I can, can in turn do stuff that I myself can't. No pressure. My accolades and things I can pride myself on are pretty useless and meaningless in eternity. I'm happy when I do something of eternal significance, but I'm happy with the knowledge that I was driven to do whatever it is because of the love and grace God has shown me. The Bible spares no feelings when saying that all our righteousness is a used tampon. This could be referring to the unsaved and not those who know and love God, in fact it talks about the crowns we'll receive in Heaven for our deeds. Taking those two statements at face value, okay sure, we're not totally useless. But you can't help but look at an almighty and perfect God and think of yourself and what you do as being pretty small in comparison.
Dryness or awareness or perhaps just winter, whatever this season of the soul is, I'm decidedly lonely. That is, I've chosen to be lonely. For what end, I don't know just yet, but I know that I'm dependent on God and I'm pretty certain I always will be. No romanticism, no flowery poems, no built-up emotions leading to a cry for Abba--not the band--find me here, lonely and confused about a lot of stuff.
Now I want to be clear that this isn't a cry for friendship or sympathy or anything. I actually am quite happy, but I've been taking stock of the importance of things that have made me happy in the past and I've found that the stuff that has made me happy has been mostly temporal, unimportant stuff. I've sequestered myself and deprived myself something that really truly does make me happy and that's meaningful conversation, especially about how good God is and what He's done. I've erred in that regard, potentially others.
To conclude, I've gotten what I asked for and now that I have it, I see what it is. Now, to ask for and go about getting the next set of things I need. Let's find out what it is. I suppose I'll talk to some people.
LOVE,
Colton
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Thoughts on Contentment and American Greed
There's a very fine line in between contentment and "settling," I think. I couldn't say where this line is, exactly. I guess that's the point of this post. I've heard it said that the greatest enemy of "the best" is "good." In regards to God's perfect will for us, of course I want what's best, not just what's good. Depending on how reformed you are, this may be a non-issue since His will is unalterable. You'll always get His best, His plan A. One scripture which has bugged me ever since I really thought about it is when Jesus mentioned Moses making provision for divorce because of the hardness of their hearts. Divorce was not the best choice, nor was it plan A.
Let's start with this: I think it's important to be content. In 1 Timothy 6, it talks about godliness with contentment. If I had to sum up the topic of settling vs. contentment, I'd have to say that we ought to be content with what we have like food and clothes and such since getting obsessed with stuff will drive us away from God. For pertinent stuff like who we're going to marry and getting a good job, it's a little trickier since you can get carried away in really anything. Be happy with what is good for you. Some of the most happy and content people I've met are people in third world countries who don't have anything. I won't say to settle for a spouse who isn't good for you just because you're content. I won't say not to, though.
Basically, it's this: We want more and more stuff because the world tells us to be number 1, which requires us to have the best stuff. This mindset causes us to never be content with what we have; we'll always need a cooler car, a better phone, a nicer guitar. (I've wanted all three of those within the last week, by the way.) Where discontent goes wrong is when we desire things that don't matter and when we fail to be thankful for what we do actually have. It's not a sin to want a new phone, but it becomes one when you go on and on about how you hate your phone and can't stand it and just have to have a better one. If it works half the time, you're better off than a good portion of the world who doesn't have a phone at all. Where we go really wrong is when we start the prosperity gospel bullcrap and start talking about all the stuff we deserve because of our salvation. "I'm faithful to God, therefore I should have this nice truck." If you do have a nice truck, count it as a blessing. If you have a vehicle at all, count it as a blessing. A blessing is a gift, not something we deserve. Christians have a good way of using God to justify our desires and point of view. God does not conform to us.
Now we can be content to the point of not really desiring anything much at all. This can be good, but it can be bad. I don't have a huge desire for a nice job or a college degree. When I get to Heaven, having a nice job or college degree or not won't matter. But it would still be good to have them because having those things would help me in effectively serving people. Better job means more money to donate and use for stuff other than the mortgage.
So where is the line between healthy discontent and greed? It's when you fail to be thankful and fail to desire things that will in some way help your or someone else's relationship with God, but rather trivial things. You focus on yourself. Where's the line between healthy content and laziness? It's when you fail to desire and go after things that will help your or someone else's relationship with God because you're content to be lazy.You focus on yourself
The moral of the story? Desire God. Be thankful. Desire noble things like political justice and things that will help your ministry. But first and foremost, desire God and His commands. His commands don't mold around us, God doesn't automatically want what we want.
God is enough. God is everything. Singulare Momentum.
Love,
Colton
P. S.
I didn't flesh this out like I wanted to but it's been sitting in my browser for three days and I wanted it posted. Also, Joel Osteen is going to have some explaining to do when he gets to Heaven.
♥-c
Let's start with this: I think it's important to be content. In 1 Timothy 6, it talks about godliness with contentment. If I had to sum up the topic of settling vs. contentment, I'd have to say that we ought to be content with what we have like food and clothes and such since getting obsessed with stuff will drive us away from God. For pertinent stuff like who we're going to marry and getting a good job, it's a little trickier since you can get carried away in really anything. Be happy with what is good for you. Some of the most happy and content people I've met are people in third world countries who don't have anything. I won't say to settle for a spouse who isn't good for you just because you're content. I won't say not to, though.
Basically, it's this: We want more and more stuff because the world tells us to be number 1, which requires us to have the best stuff. This mindset causes us to never be content with what we have; we'll always need a cooler car, a better phone, a nicer guitar. (I've wanted all three of those within the last week, by the way.) Where discontent goes wrong is when we desire things that don't matter and when we fail to be thankful for what we do actually have. It's not a sin to want a new phone, but it becomes one when you go on and on about how you hate your phone and can't stand it and just have to have a better one. If it works half the time, you're better off than a good portion of the world who doesn't have a phone at all. Where we go really wrong is when we start the prosperity gospel bullcrap and start talking about all the stuff we deserve because of our salvation. "I'm faithful to God, therefore I should have this nice truck." If you do have a nice truck, count it as a blessing. If you have a vehicle at all, count it as a blessing. A blessing is a gift, not something we deserve. Christians have a good way of using God to justify our desires and point of view. God does not conform to us.
Now we can be content to the point of not really desiring anything much at all. This can be good, but it can be bad. I don't have a huge desire for a nice job or a college degree. When I get to Heaven, having a nice job or college degree or not won't matter. But it would still be good to have them because having those things would help me in effectively serving people. Better job means more money to donate and use for stuff other than the mortgage.
So where is the line between healthy discontent and greed? It's when you fail to be thankful and fail to desire things that will in some way help your or someone else's relationship with God, but rather trivial things. You focus on yourself. Where's the line between healthy content and laziness? It's when you fail to desire and go after things that will help your or someone else's relationship with God because you're content to be lazy.You focus on yourself
The moral of the story? Desire God. Be thankful. Desire noble things like political justice and things that will help your ministry. But first and foremost, desire God and His commands. His commands don't mold around us, God doesn't automatically want what we want.
God is enough. God is everything. Singulare Momentum.
Love,
Colton
P. S.
I didn't flesh this out like I wanted to but it's been sitting in my browser for three days and I wanted it posted. Also, Joel Osteen is going to have some explaining to do when he gets to Heaven.
♥-c
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Thoughts on Christians (a Rant)
I'll start off with the topic I had thought about writing about the other day. Then I'll start hollerin' and cussin'.
I find it ever more strange how people can just look at other people and know if they're Christian or not. Now I've been surprised in the past by finding out someone was Christian that I didn't know was, so at least for me it's not always something I can see. Yeah, the ankle-length denim skirt is going to be a giveaway, but it's more than that. Stranger still is that non-Christians can even tell who the Christians are. When I went out for my birthday, some very drunk people decided to get on the stage at Boyd's Jig and Reel and sing really loudly, off-key, and profanely. And they kept on. And we told them to get off the stage. And they kept on. And I went up and calmly explained that I was trying to have a nice birthday dinner with my friends. And they kept on. When the Kenny Rogers look-a-like bouncer got them off the stage, the guy who was the leader for their impromptu, drunken band mumbled "fucking Christians" as he got off the stage. I'm really glad I didn't hear him for several reasons. It's just strange because we weren't wearing Christian t-shirts, we didn't have our Bibles on the table, half of the people there at my party weren't even Christian. But somehow he knew.
Maybe it was the fact of us not wanting him to yell "mammaries" while plunking away on an upright bass that gave it away, but I feel like anyone wanting a nice quiet dinner would request the same. This was an instance where we were well-behaved and we handled it calmly and properly. But there are too many instances where Christians are assholes. There is no other word for it. I called a long-time friend "fat" tonight because I thought it would be funny. That makes me a really big jerk. Be it reasons like this or more "holy" reasons, Christians get a really bad rap. This is because we freaking deserve it. We are not known for our love as Jesus commanded us to be. No, we're known for being ignorant assholes. This breaks my heart.
Jesus' name wasn't meant to be used as a PR trick. It wasn't meant to get people on your side so they'll vote for you or to use your plumbing service. No, Jesus' name was meant to inspire love and spread hope. Jesus' name was not meant to justify our own agendas and ideals. Jesus name was meant to revolutionize and utterly shift our wicked selves.
There's so much wrong with the Church. Jesus' bride, at the moment, is sullied and short-sighted. I want to be clear when I say that I don't give a shit about your healing ministry when people died because they stopped their HIV medication because you said they were healed. I don't give a shit about your prayer meetings when your marriage just ended because you couldn't pull your head out of the false glory you conjure up. And I don't give a shit about what small titles you hold in your church when you can't stop criticizing your friends on absolutely inconsequential, trivial shit.
(That last one there, that one is me.)
To be very clear, I have seen a man regain his sight in front of me. I have seen impossible things happen because of prayer. I've seen prideful, ignorant people teach me lessons that leave me feeling more prideful and ignorant than I thought they were. It's ultimately all redeemed by the sacrifice of the blood of Jesus, all our stupidities and sin, but with only some foresight we can make it better for ourselves and save ourselves some heartache. Jesus is and wants to be our Redeemer, but I really honestly think He wants us to make good decisions that glorify Him, too. We're constantly given the chance to either glorify God or make fools of ourselves and we all too often do the latter. It's because we never focus on the very basic principles.
We need to love people more. That's it. I need to love people more. When you love somebody, the focus is on them. But no, we just focus on ourselves and what we want and pleasing whatever stupid, contrived ideas we come up with. We inexplicably have the crowned King of the Universe, in His entirety, contained within us, but we still focus on ourselves! I prayed to be ever-aware of my dependence on God and this is what I'm shown!
I try to run from Christianese. I don't care about your weekly prophecy bulletin. I don't care about increasing my territory. I don't care about your trip to the Third Throneroom that's decorated in lilac and cherubim. The unimportant stuff tends to be first in our line of visions and thus what we focus on. My Coke is flat, she was mean to me, I hate my job. Because we're "saved", we think we're entitled to stuff. We complain about things that don't matter!
I could go on about this forever. I say all these things knowing I'm not excluded from them. The winter makes me cynical. I am wrong about things and a couple of years down the road I'll look back and go "oh man, what was I thinking?"
We are irrevocably dependent on the Love and Grace of Jesus Christ. "5Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men." Phil 2:5-7
We don't get it. I pray we do. I believe. Help my unbelief.
Love, the only important thing, the thing I wish I had more of,
Colton
I find it ever more strange how people can just look at other people and know if they're Christian or not. Now I've been surprised in the past by finding out someone was Christian that I didn't know was, so at least for me it's not always something I can see. Yeah, the ankle-length denim skirt is going to be a giveaway, but it's more than that. Stranger still is that non-Christians can even tell who the Christians are. When I went out for my birthday, some very drunk people decided to get on the stage at Boyd's Jig and Reel and sing really loudly, off-key, and profanely. And they kept on. And we told them to get off the stage. And they kept on. And I went up and calmly explained that I was trying to have a nice birthday dinner with my friends. And they kept on. When the Kenny Rogers look-a-like bouncer got them off the stage, the guy who was the leader for their impromptu, drunken band mumbled "fucking Christians" as he got off the stage. I'm really glad I didn't hear him for several reasons. It's just strange because we weren't wearing Christian t-shirts, we didn't have our Bibles on the table, half of the people there at my party weren't even Christian. But somehow he knew.
Maybe it was the fact of us not wanting him to yell "mammaries" while plunking away on an upright bass that gave it away, but I feel like anyone wanting a nice quiet dinner would request the same. This was an instance where we were well-behaved and we handled it calmly and properly. But there are too many instances where Christians are assholes. There is no other word for it. I called a long-time friend "fat" tonight because I thought it would be funny. That makes me a really big jerk. Be it reasons like this or more "holy" reasons, Christians get a really bad rap. This is because we freaking deserve it. We are not known for our love as Jesus commanded us to be. No, we're known for being ignorant assholes. This breaks my heart.
Jesus' name wasn't meant to be used as a PR trick. It wasn't meant to get people on your side so they'll vote for you or to use your plumbing service. No, Jesus' name was meant to inspire love and spread hope. Jesus' name was not meant to justify our own agendas and ideals. Jesus name was meant to revolutionize and utterly shift our wicked selves.
There's so much wrong with the Church. Jesus' bride, at the moment, is sullied and short-sighted. I want to be clear when I say that I don't give a shit about your healing ministry when people died because they stopped their HIV medication because you said they were healed. I don't give a shit about your prayer meetings when your marriage just ended because you couldn't pull your head out of the false glory you conjure up. And I don't give a shit about what small titles you hold in your church when you can't stop criticizing your friends on absolutely inconsequential, trivial shit.
(That last one there, that one is me.)
To be very clear, I have seen a man regain his sight in front of me. I have seen impossible things happen because of prayer. I've seen prideful, ignorant people teach me lessons that leave me feeling more prideful and ignorant than I thought they were. It's ultimately all redeemed by the sacrifice of the blood of Jesus, all our stupidities and sin, but with only some foresight we can make it better for ourselves and save ourselves some heartache. Jesus is and wants to be our Redeemer, but I really honestly think He wants us to make good decisions that glorify Him, too. We're constantly given the chance to either glorify God or make fools of ourselves and we all too often do the latter. It's because we never focus on the very basic principles.
We need to love people more. That's it. I need to love people more. When you love somebody, the focus is on them. But no, we just focus on ourselves and what we want and pleasing whatever stupid, contrived ideas we come up with. We inexplicably have the crowned King of the Universe, in His entirety, contained within us, but we still focus on ourselves! I prayed to be ever-aware of my dependence on God and this is what I'm shown!
I try to run from Christianese. I don't care about your weekly prophecy bulletin. I don't care about increasing my territory. I don't care about your trip to the Third Throneroom that's decorated in lilac and cherubim. The unimportant stuff tends to be first in our line of visions and thus what we focus on. My Coke is flat, she was mean to me, I hate my job. Because we're "saved", we think we're entitled to stuff. We complain about things that don't matter!
I could go on about this forever. I say all these things knowing I'm not excluded from them. The winter makes me cynical. I am wrong about things and a couple of years down the road I'll look back and go "oh man, what was I thinking?"
We are irrevocably dependent on the Love and Grace of Jesus Christ. "5Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men." Phil 2:5-7
We don't get it. I pray we do. I believe. Help my unbelief.
Love, the only important thing, the thing I wish I had more of,
Colton
Monday, December 5, 2011
Thoughts on Being 21
Two days from now I will be 21. This is kind of strange to me. See, I get myself built up to these things and get all excited about reaching a certain point, but many times there's not much that's special there. Being 16 was notable since I got my license and could drive places without my parents. Being 18 was kind of notable since I felt a little more grown up and could buy cigarettes and porn. Twenty was weird because I could no longer call myself a teenager. I still honestly think of myself as being anywhere from 16-18, though. Now that I'm almost 21, I'll soon be able to buy beer and can get into some concerts or restaurants I couldn't get into before. Aside from getting to do more stuff, I haven't felt terribly different when I became any notable age. Once it sunk in and I realized that I was in fact older, I did feel a little older but in retrospect things weren't terribly different. This whole paragraph has been about how I've felt different but not felt different. I've confused myself, I think. Let's try again.
Two days from now I will be 21. This is kind of strange to me. I'll be able to buy beer and get into Barley's after 10pm, but beyond that, not much will be different. With each notable age I've reached, Ive gained new things I could do, but none of them aside from being able to drive by myself are really worth much to me. I managed to get along fine before I could go to 18+ shows or buy cigarettes, I managed to survive this long without being able to drink, I could always find an adult to go with if I wanted to see an R-rated movie. Being certain ages now allows me to do important things like rent cars or open checking accounts or stuff like that, but most of what people wait for is largely unimportant. That's not to say I haven't partaken of the privileges I was granted when I hit 17 or 18 or that I won't do what I couldn't do before when I turn 21. The point, though, is that I'm okay without those things. It bugs the heck out of me when someone goes on about being deprived of their rights or privileges.
I've made mention before of my lack of sympathy for people when they talk about what they're owed. Sure, go ahead and want something, there's nothing wrong with that, but when you go on about what you're owed and what you deserve, you're treading dangerous water. James 1 talks about asking for faith, but it makes mention that we shouldn't expect anything from God. Tell me, what have you done lately that has earned you something from God? I haven't done much in that regard. Now Paul does talk about his rights in 1 Corinthians, but he talks about how he willingly gives up his rights.
My point, before I begin to sound holier-than-thou as is the prideful tendency, is that I'm not going to let any of my privileges become a thing. It'll be nice to have a beer with some friends or go to a 21+ show, but I don't want that to become an issue. I've smoked various types of tobacco on and off since I turned 18, but it's not important to me. Half the time I wonder why I even do it anyway. That said, I could easily give it up since I don't hold it dear to my heart. I don't hold it dear to my heart simply because I know it's a contentious thing with people and my relationships with people are more important than whether or not I smoke. By the same token, I will not let drinking a beer get in the way of anything that is important.
This is a long issue that has a lot of stuff to be addressed in it. I'm going to leave it at this: We aren't owed anything. The things we think we are owed aren't worth anything. Nothing beyond our relationship with God and people is really that important
"13The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. 14For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil." Ecclesiastes 12:13-14 (emphasis added)
That pretty much sums it up. Ecclesiastes is one of my favorite books in that it's right up my alley, saying that everything is meaningless and pointless. Folly, even. Whether or not we had respect, whether or not we were treated properly, whether or not we smoked cigarettes, whether or not we enjoyed alcohol, nothing at all matters. Our relationship with God is the important thing. The only important thing.
Haha, on the eve of my 21st birthday, I come to the realization of how sobering the things God has been showing me are. Oh, irony.
Love, man.
Colton
P.S. It's also very, very important to mention that just because someone reaches a certain age, that does not mean that they are all of a sudden entitled to or are free from anything. "Oh man, when I turn 18, I'm not going to have to listen to my parents anymore." "When I hit 19, I'm going to do what I want." "Once I'm 20, no one will be able to tell me what to do anymore." "My 21st will be awesome since I'm going to now be able to justify what I've been disobeying and doing all along." Age is a number. It's a reference point, but it isn't a magical apex that grants you anything. In my experience, a mother doesn't stop loving or worrying when her son turns 18. The son doesn't magically know better when he hits 18. He's still dumb and rebellious, just a year older. At least that was the case for me, I don't know about you. Retard.
♥-c
Two days from now I will be 21. This is kind of strange to me. I'll be able to buy beer and get into Barley's after 10pm, but beyond that, not much will be different. With each notable age I've reached, Ive gained new things I could do, but none of them aside from being able to drive by myself are really worth much to me. I managed to get along fine before I could go to 18+ shows or buy cigarettes, I managed to survive this long without being able to drink, I could always find an adult to go with if I wanted to see an R-rated movie. Being certain ages now allows me to do important things like rent cars or open checking accounts or stuff like that, but most of what people wait for is largely unimportant. That's not to say I haven't partaken of the privileges I was granted when I hit 17 or 18 or that I won't do what I couldn't do before when I turn 21. The point, though, is that I'm okay without those things. It bugs the heck out of me when someone goes on about being deprived of their rights or privileges.
I've made mention before of my lack of sympathy for people when they talk about what they're owed. Sure, go ahead and want something, there's nothing wrong with that, but when you go on about what you're owed and what you deserve, you're treading dangerous water. James 1 talks about asking for faith, but it makes mention that we shouldn't expect anything from God. Tell me, what have you done lately that has earned you something from God? I haven't done much in that regard. Now Paul does talk about his rights in 1 Corinthians, but he talks about how he willingly gives up his rights.
My point, before I begin to sound holier-than-thou as is the prideful tendency, is that I'm not going to let any of my privileges become a thing. It'll be nice to have a beer with some friends or go to a 21+ show, but I don't want that to become an issue. I've smoked various types of tobacco on and off since I turned 18, but it's not important to me. Half the time I wonder why I even do it anyway. That said, I could easily give it up since I don't hold it dear to my heart. I don't hold it dear to my heart simply because I know it's a contentious thing with people and my relationships with people are more important than whether or not I smoke. By the same token, I will not let drinking a beer get in the way of anything that is important.
This is a long issue that has a lot of stuff to be addressed in it. I'm going to leave it at this: We aren't owed anything. The things we think we are owed aren't worth anything. Nothing beyond our relationship with God and people is really that important
"13The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. 14For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil." Ecclesiastes 12:13-14 (emphasis added)
That pretty much sums it up. Ecclesiastes is one of my favorite books in that it's right up my alley, saying that everything is meaningless and pointless. Folly, even. Whether or not we had respect, whether or not we were treated properly, whether or not we smoked cigarettes, whether or not we enjoyed alcohol, nothing at all matters. Our relationship with God is the important thing. The only important thing.
Haha, on the eve of my 21st birthday, I come to the realization of how sobering the things God has been showing me are. Oh, irony.
Love, man.
Colton
P.S. It's also very, very important to mention that just because someone reaches a certain age, that does not mean that they are all of a sudden entitled to or are free from anything. "Oh man, when I turn 18, I'm not going to have to listen to my parents anymore." "When I hit 19, I'm going to do what I want." "Once I'm 20, no one will be able to tell me what to do anymore." "My 21st will be awesome since I'm going to now be able to justify what I've been disobeying and doing all along." Age is a number. It's a reference point, but it isn't a magical apex that grants you anything. In my experience, a mother doesn't stop loving or worrying when her son turns 18. The son doesn't magically know better when he hits 18. He's still dumb and rebellious, just a year older. At least that was the case for me, I don't know about you. Retard.
♥-c
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