Thoughts on the Hardened Heart

Tough skin and a soft heart. That's what Aaron Jones, long time mentor and friend, told me I'd need to have to be in the kind of ministry I want to be in. Hardness of Heart, to use some Christianese, is an awful thing. To say that it's all bad would be incorrect since God chose to harden the hearts of people at times in order to accomplish His will. There is a difference, however, between that and a heart hardened by choice of the owner.

"I'm really detached," would be what I would say if I were joking with my friend Jordan, but it's the truth to a degree. I am and have been in this strange place where my mind, or essence, or spirit or whatever is being polarized and I'm getting to watch it. It sounds kind of dramatic, but rather than there being one Colton, there are two: the old Colton who was a jerk and liked that fact, and the new Colton who's more mature and sensitive. If I'm paying attention, I go back and forth between those two sporadically. The strange part is that I can immediately observe my decisions and reactions and can tell which Colton did what.

Stop.

Okay, the thing I've just realized/remembered is that I'm thinking too much about myself. That's kind of how I got to where I am. Introspection is a good thing to a degree, but easily and quickly leads to self-centeredness, which is a symptom of having a hard heart. To surmise this initial point and move on to the next and main point, God is slowly working out the bad habits I have by showing me what they look like and their effects. It's really weird. There's a lot more, but that's a different blog.

I know I've said that if I could physically see Jesus, if I could be with Him in the same room, that would be enough to keep me from ever sinning again. I know many others have said that, too. This, unfortunately, is just not true. Take for example the disciples: Twelve dudes who were with Jesus constantly, yet they betrayed him for petty things, lost focus, bickered among themselves, and just plain sinned in His presence. Jesus went so far as to call Peter Satan. That must have hurt. Now imagine you are Judas Ischariot. With Jesus always, Him doing nothing but loving you and helping your dumb self along, planning to give him up for some cash.

Hardness of Heart is a creeping thing. It sneaks in without you noticing it and it kills you. It takes so many forms that I can't hardly begin to expound upon them. If it is powerful enough to cause the Israelites to lose hope and make and worship a golden calf when they were waiting on their leader to come down with the very word of God, if it is powerful enough to convince a man who was constantly in the presence of God incarnate to sell Him out, it's certainly powerful enough to sneak in and convince you to be a jerk to your mom. I know this.

I've prayed a lot lately that my heart would not be hard, that I would be given a heart of flesh. As great and terrible a thing as a hardened heart is, it is conquered. Perhaps not in the time or fashion I would like, but knowing that God is sovereign I'm not going to fret too much about it.

¹⁶ Therefore say, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD: Though I removed them far off among the nations, and though I scattered them among the countries, yet I have been a sanctuary to them for a while in the countries where they have gone.’ ¹⁷ Therefore say, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD: I will gather you from the peoples and assemble you out of the countries where you have been scattered, and I will give you the land of Israel.’ ¹⁸ And when they come there, they will remove from it all its detestable things and all its abominations. ¹⁹ And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh, ²⁰ that they may walk in my statutes and keep my rules and obey them. And they shall be my people, and I will be their God. ²¹ But as for those whose heart goes after their detestable things and their abominations, I will bring their deeds upon their own heads, declares the Lord GOD.” Ezekiel 11:16-21 ESV

One thing that has been glaringly clear as of late is that I don't have it right. There was a short time where I thought I did, but still had the knowledge that I couldn't have had it right. God grants me my honest prayers, I just have this way of praying for hard lessons. Gah. One thing I know is that it is almost never a "one and done" type deal, that the whole process of salvation is just that: a process. Philippians 2:12-13 is a strange and notable passage.

There's so much I have to say, but sorting out what is relevant to this topic and what is a different topic and what is simply something I must say to myself is a really large task that I don't care to tackle right now. That and it's lunch time.

Love,
Colton